Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of
depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to
me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an
irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself
again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work.
By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it.
Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
That's sure takes a lot of discipline of the mind and heart for that, especially when you try to continue to be "civil roommates."
You sure have some good insight on things. You seem to have a lot of wisdom on personality traits and behavior. You kinda given me some new insight on this. I didn't think about her sense of security watching the same show over and over again.
We do have different personalities in certain ways, but yet in some ways we are a lot alike. Did I mention that we are both first born?
You do seem to have the gift of being able to "read someone's mail"
Today we are both home. She's got a day off, and the icy weather is keeping me home. Not much interaction between us though. She's not much for conversation today.
I really appreciate your insight on things...😊
@Jwanzy2020 I was trying to tag you in that message above...
@Spearman60
No, I didn't know that you were both first born. That also tells about personality especially if you or her had siblings, means you held responsibilities early on probably of some sort to the younger kids and that creates a sense that you just want to rest after all this... and have someone take care of you instead, in a way.
Sometimes shifting the way we think about things helps in accepting why things are the way they are , it certainly does not mean it's solved or changed, just some hope , a certain calmness comes in place.
Peace to you
@Spearman60
Thanks for your nice words about me.
Hoping to help, much appreciated 💐💐
@Jwanzy2020
You're comments and thoughts are helpful. You have a good perspective on things.
We both have 3 siblings each and her mom and dad are nearly the same age as mine. She had been a motherly type to her siblings while growing up at home as a child. That does carry out in the way she lives here in our home, but certainly not the way she takes care of me emotionally and intimately. She's just not willing to take care of those two needs in my life. You know, for men, our needs are very simple. If a woman (unless she's married to a jerk) would take care of his basic needs, a man will move heaven and earth for her. I know I would. But with this attitude and passive aggressive demeanor she constantly exhibits around here on a nearly daily basis, it does nothing but frustrates and aggravates me to extreme heights. All I want to do is just get away from her.
What I need to do mostly right now, to keep me from going insane, is to take care of me and get emotionally and mentally healthy again. This is a daily struggle for me. That's why I'm so active on here at 7 Cups. It gives me a place to unload and vent some. I appreciate those like you, who have interacted with me and shared their opinions and comments. It does help. It keeps me somewhat in perspective. But life is so challenging when you live under the same roof with someone like my wife. It's hard to believe I've dealt with this for 40+ years. It was off and on at the beginning of those years, got really bad at times along the way, but in the past 2-3 years, it's gotten worse.
I don't want to jump the fence, even though at certain times, the temptation is there. But if I did that, I know it would bring more misery in my life. I just need to learn to discipline my mind to stay away from those thoughts and concentrate on hobbies and things I do enjoy.
And I don't mean to be clingy with someone like you who responds to my comments and threads, I do appreciate the attention and insight you give. It does help me when I'm able to have interaction with others here... 😊
@Spearman60
I understand you perfectly. 😊
I Wish you peace of mind in abundance in your journey
https://youtu.be/tqWg0sMXM-I
Yes, sometimes we give away too much of our own power without realizing. But once realized, you're halfway through to your goal, and there is no stopping to you. Things start to fall in place.
I'm glad you re starting 👍😊
@Jwanzy2020
Yes... true. Yesterday was a good starting point for that. I was more focused and seemed more like myself. I'm going to keep working on that. But I feel this situation with her will always be grinding on me in the background of my mind. But maybe that will fade more in time. We'll see... thanks! 😊
@Spearman60
Well I can't promise it won't keep grinding🙂 , it most probably will in the beginning, but as you tread new paths, repeatedly your mind will reconize it more and more and the old paths will start fading like you said.
Just keep at it!!! You can do it.
I mean after 40+ years, disappointments become a very well learned response, and in itself the motivator to redirect you at each time to the new path.
Keep going, stay strong 💪
@Jwanzy2020
Thanks... I'll do my best... 😊
@Spearman60
Great !!! Good luck 😊
@Spearman60 I’m sorry it’s so hard for you and admire your determination. I’m a wife in a marriage a lot like what you describe. I Can tell you why i back away and seem like I don’t care. I don’t know if your wife is feeling similar to me but maybe. The truth is I am severely depressed and see no point to trying. I don’t see hope for a better future. My husband is a nice guy but has so often not seen or heard me that I don’t want to put myself out there again. I have been through so much and felt so unsupported that I don’t trust him with my feelings. It took 12 years for him to lose that trust and I’m not sure he can ever earn it back. But if he can, it’s surely not going to happen quickly. I live with chronic pain, ptsd, depression and anxiety and he just wants to “do something fun together”. There is nothing fun for me. But instead of showing recognition of how desperately I am suffering, he just wants us to have some fun. Yeah not happening. I understand your resentment. But is there a chance you’re not seeing her for real? Just asking. Not judging. I wish you the best.
@Birdie0613
Thanks for your comment... 😊
With 40+ years of marriage, we've had so many talks about this where I've just run out of things to say or do to try and remedy our situation. The main problem is she's so inward focused, that she doesn't make herself open to what others are going through. She's self centered in that respect. I really don't understand why she treats me like this. As I mentioned, she's a VERY passive aggressive introvert that has no gift of encouragement and absolutely no empathy towards me.
I hate to toot my own whistle here, but I'm not a hard person to get along with. I treat others with respect and the honor that is due to them, even her. My needs are simple. I don't demand anything, including intimacy. But the problem is, unless the stars and planets are lined up and all the required environmental conditions in our home for her are rightly in place, nothing is going to happen in the area of intimacy. When I do things for her, appreciation is barely, if not at all, expressed to me. The minor burdens of life overwhelm her. I just don't know what to do anymore. She won't open up to me. As far as I know, I haven't really given her any reason not to trust me with her feelings.
Over the years, she's closed herself up to me so much that I have to work very hard to get her to open up and talk to me about certain things. Her mom is not in the best of health, and she won't give me updates sometimes unless I ask for them. One of our kids could call on the phone to talk with her, and share an issue they are having and when she hangs up, she won't tell me about it unless I pry it out of her.
Honestly, I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment from her. I'm a good provider... even her dad thanks me for taking good care of her. She just won't open up to me and appreciate anything I do. And I'll admit, yes I have a lot of resentment towards her right now. I generally don't get along with people who can't reciprocate kindness to me when I've been kind to them. I'm not a perfect husband and I make mistakes. But not enough to deserve all this that she's doing to me.
So... in recent years I've developed some hobbies that help to keep my mind on more positive things. It's still a struggle, and that's why I come here to vent too. I feel sometimes I'm losing myself in who I am in dealing with her. So I'm trying to stay positive and be emotionally and mentally healthy.
I realize I've written a long response here... sorry about that. And I'm sorry about your situation too. I understand the pain and heartache in it. Thanks again for sharing here... 😊
You do not need to force it
@Spearman60
Thanks for sharing brother. I am new to this site and i immediately saw your post. It is sad that we are in these situations and i heavily relate to you. I hope it all gets better, they say talk it out with your wife but it's not the easiest thing to do especially when you know how she reacts. It's as if we are never allowed to show emotions even though we try our best to keep the relationship alive.
I do sometimes feel that i probably loved her so much that she became too confident that whatever she does, i will beg her to come back and love me. Seeing your post makes me think that you showered her with so much love that she has become too confident and too focused with her own happiness. I am here for you brother just chat away. Much love man. All the best
@owyow
I don't know if it's going to get better unless she makes the effort to change. And you're right, talking it out isn't that simple, I wished it was. After 40+ years of marriage, just about everything has been said and done, and if she never seems to get it, what makes me think she's going to finally get it this time? If she would just have a little bit of empathy towards me and others, that would be a great starting point. But it's just not in her.
You're welcome to read my response to Birdie0613 above about some of this if you want.
Maybe you and I as well as others ought to have a specific support group to help one another... 😊
But this sight has been good for me to come and vent and as someone told me, "let 'er rip."... LOL
There are some days when I just want to pack up and just move away and start another life somewhere else... today is one of those days.
I do think about it and fantasize doing it sometimes... and that is, maybe taking a cruise by myself and finding a loving friendship to spend time with someone, or taking a trip somewhere. I just can't seem to get what I need here in my own home. Mercy, this is what sets the stage for adultery in a marriage! A wife that is unwilling to meet her husband's needs, then he wanders off to another woman, then the wife wonders why it happened? It's not that the husband is justified in doing so, but sometimes it happens in that kind of unloving environment.
My wife doesn't seem to take an interest in making life better for the two of us. I take steps to reach out to her, but I get a cold response. Like this morning... I wanted to share something funny with her I found on FB, and her response was cold and negative and wasn't interested.
Often times I think part of the problem is she's jealous of me in some ways. For now, I won't get into a lengthy explanation as to why I think she is, but it seems there is evidence of it. Had a friend that knew some of our situation, and he thought jealousy might be part of the problem.
I guess the only thing I can do for now is come here to 7 Cups and whine about it now and then and keep trying to make myself more emotionally and mentally healthy the best that I can. I have good days and bad days... but I'm going to try and make today a good day... she's at work and I'm at home with a day off, so it should be easier... 😊
@Spearman60,
you keep oing on analyzing her and keep on going saying you did everything for her (which might not be what she needed) and you are not in a good place.
You can keep on repeating yourself.
What do you need to say "enough, I choose me now"?
@Spearman60
I hear you, it's no easy situation you're in. I can't stress that enough . May God be on your side and grant you patience and serenity
Going away on a trip sounds good but I would believe; the intention of it is important .... focusing on your mental and emotional health is top priority here.
Your mind is still in rumination.
Rumination from the mind can be of the reflection type or brooding type.
In alignment with the thoughts of focusing on your emotional and mental health : do you think your mind is still trying to reflect on the situation? Trying to change or accept it ?
It's important to turn inwardly and trying to possibly understand why in order to know the how to after that.
Though we all think we know what is rumination knowing the details sometimes makes a difference .
A very good article to read
https://www.verywellmind.com/rumination-why-do-people-obsess-over-things-3144571
Let's me know your comments.
Peace to you
@Jwanzy2020
I read the article... rumination is something I've never heard of before. But I can identify with a lot of what is said about it. My only thought is, it would be easier to deal with if it wasn't a spouse that I'm living with and rather that it would be a friend I only see occasionally... 😊
When it involves a spouse, its much harder to deal with because they're a part of you and the biggest part of your life.
But I do have a tendency to rehearse and replay things in my head and compound the stress, anxiety and anger of the situation. However, I am working on disciplining my mind not to do that and focus more on positive things, like my hobbies and work.
But it also means I have to separate myself more from her so I don't deal with it so much. It's kind of a catch 22 situation for me... or in the world of Star Trek, Kobayashi Maru.... the no win scenario... LOL!
I'm going to go back and read up on that some more though. Thanks for the link.... 😊
@Spearman60
I'm glad you re focusing on your hobbies and work.😊
I understand what you mean about being the biggest part of your life, And this catch 22.
Time is passing anyway Spearman! Things are not changing for the better for you , staying in the same position is only draining you not her, mentally and emotionally. It boils down to the point where you're freezing your life in hope of her change and you not getting what you want or need.
That's why I say it's good to know whether you are in reflection mode or brooding mode. I'm happy you're reading more into it👍😀
If I understood you right, What happens when you seperate yourself from her? and I think you mean mentally or emotionally, not physically right ?
@Jwanzy2020
When I separate myself from her, I'm actually more at peace being home alone with my dog. Shame isn't it?
I don't know... it seems that most days are manageable, but I have days I just want to take off and leave. But right now she's dealing with her aging mother and father and they are both having health issues. I just wished she would finally open up and let me in. She's closed me off (and not because of her parents) and just won't open up. It's frustrating for sure.
Physically, there is much separation too. Nothing has happened for 2 years now. She's just not interested. And that's one of the main frustrations I have with her too.
@Spearman60
I feel you. 😔
I understand you how sometimes it's manageable other times it's not. I like to practice even when it's manageable on how to handle my times in terms of work and hobbies, that way when it gets tough you just follow the same routine.
To be honest being around elderly people and I don't want to sound judgmental but it is draining. Sometimes you don't even have the energy to open up. So I understand her as well.
I hope one day she finds solace in opening up to you.
All the best to you. 💐
After 23 years of marriage. My husband would say the same....but I feel he doesn't listen to me and he is doing the same....we are a mirror to each other...so I left him a year ago....I didn't want to.. but he is now ignoring me. Playing the victim....not fair....I'm not his carer and he's not mine....I'm tired of him playing on things for attention.....no wonder I left...and now it's a fight over the house and he hates paying bills. So I have done the wrong thing by looking after those things and him....not fair
You may possibly be involed in a narcissist relationship. Marriage is a two way street in which both partners must put into the relationship. One cannot always be the initiator of everything. From my my experience you may be under manipulation. Seek professional advice. And be careful.
i posted before in the middle of the second page, but it's buried, so I'll reiterate.
I honestly think she is unwell and needs help badly. when one is depressed, one has no energy and sense to ask for help and pursue it. it's up to the friends and family to help.
It could be so many things, depression, bipolar, other mood disorders, personality disorder such as avoidant, avoidant attachment style, chronic fatigue (including long covid), vitamin deficiency, alcohol, low hormones, and dementia/pseudodementia.
or, maybe her needs are unmet and she gave up? you'll never know if you don't ask or look into. I wish you both all the best!
@LostTurtle2
Well, the problem is she just doesn't want to open up and talk about our issues. And about the vacation she mentioned (assuming that's what you are referring to), I'm afraid I have no interest in spending lots of money on a long 2 week vacation, traveling across the country with her when she lets this issue between us go on. I know that I sound cold hearted turning it down, but we've been on other vacations just the same in the past and still our issues exist. I was hoping by turning down the vacation, she would open up and deal with this. But... it didn't happen. She hasn't talked about the vacation since. I'm not trying to play head games with her, I'm trying to get her to see the issue between us and own up to her side of it and deal with it. In other words, I'm forcing her hand in this. Maybe I'm wrong doing it this way, but over the years, I've just caved and done what she's always wanted and I get no appreciation for it.
Besides, with the issues we're having, as I mentioned, I really don't feel like traveling across the country with her right now until this is finally resolved. 😊
@Spearman60
you are correct in your approach....... if she chose to not deal with things there is no reason to put up a pretense. no vacations no going to places pretending to be a happy couple .... i won't even go out to dinner anymore as he never speaks if i want to eat alone in a restaurant .........................i will.
@toughTiger6481
Well, I'm certainly not trying to be vindictive with her in doing that. In fact, I feel like I deserve the "Jerk Husband of The Year" award. But it's a means to an end... and hopefully a good end. I just want to get this resolved and dealt with, because I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm not living the rest of my life in misery like this. If it eventually means separation, then I guess I may have to consider it.
@Spearman60
understand completely that is how i feel too.... life is too short to live in misery if my spouse wants to wallow in whatever he is doing fine but it was his choice to NOT seek help ... NOT try.... and to be a jerk to me..... so he can wallow in his misery on his own.
@toughTiger6481
You've got to be tougher than me then. I don't know how you live with it every day. I mean, I have up and down days, but still I deal with it emotionally and mentally on a regular basis. If I don't keep my mind on my hobbies and work and my dog, I'll be in worse shape. I wished I had a good local friend to connect with here. I just don't have any.
So how was Valentines Day for you if you don't mind me asking...😊
@Spearman60- you really touched a place in many of our hearts. So sorry to hear about your relationship. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated. 40 years is a long time. For us it is only 28 years but just put my foot down and asked my husband to leave (he has a rent free family cabin nearby) I totally understand the yearning for companionship and looking forward to a better life - most likely with someone else. Never thought these thoughts would cross my mind 20 some years ago. Life is short, and being miserable is not a good way to spend our time. Best to you. Thank you for sharing your situation, lets some of us not feel so alone.
@barncat
I know there is a lot of people in the same boat as me, and it's sad that marriages end up like this. I know my wife can change if she wanted to, but she just doesn't make the effort. She's always the victim.
You're right, I think we all deserve to be loved. I hope you're situation works out for you in a more positive way. You're certainly not alone. Many are in this kind of a situation... more than care to admit. I hope the best for you... 😊
@Spearman60
im new here and your posts were the first thing I came across. Your situation sucks and I feel like mine is the same. But I give my hubby a little more slack cause I almost lost him to cancer a few years ago. Even though we were in this same mess then as now. He finally retired a year ago but is hopelessly depressed, grumpy and miserable. He will not get help for the depression. Recovering from cancer and what it has physically done to him is awful. But I’m not going anywhere, I just try to stay busy with my grandson and part time job. I talk to a lot of people in my job and so many of us are in the same situation. We are empty nesters, caring for our aging parents, some burned out on their jobs, throw in menopause or hysterectomy with ever declining health and looks. Your wife sounds depressed and burnt out at work. Sex can become very painful after menopause as well. If y’all are in a place we’re she could cut back to part time or change careers do you think it may help her feel happier again.
@Kittylove4ev
My wife has worked nearly 35 years in retail, I guess that would make anyone grumpy. However, it doesn't mean she needs to bring that home and take it out on me. I wished she could quit her job, but we're too heavily invested in it for retirement and health insurance. I'm self employed.
I understand her being burnt out and depressed over her job maybe, but I wish she would just show just some passion. There's got to be something there. I don't mistreat her and I'm certainly not abusive. I'm actually easy to live with, I'm a good provider, built a beautiful home for us with my own hands, it's just that her level of tolerance is so low, it's like walking on pins and needles here. All I want to do is stay away from her because she drives me into anxiety and depression sometimes.
And like I've shared in my posts and comments, I'm really tired of always, I mean always, being the one to keep this marriage alive. I'm the one that has to breath life into it all the time. Well, I'm out of breath. I just don't have it in me anymore....
I get it, I really do! Sounds like u have done all u can do. But my point was just that she is going through something as well and if u really want this to work and I’ve read all your posts and you sound like an awesome, sensitive loving man, you will have to figure out her “thing”. She can’t verbalize to you for some reason. It just sounds to me like you both feel stuck. She is basically working for insurance while u carry the load. I can feel her depression from what you have said. Menopause is a bia! Add depression and it’s worse. She keeps things in and I can assure u she’s not happy either. Has she talked to her doctor if she really is depressed.
