Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of
depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to
me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an
irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself
again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work.
By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it.
Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
Wow I feel we are experiencing the same thing. I feel I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or which direction I turn. I love her with all my heart. But it seems she doesn't have the same devotion to us as I do. When is it time to say it is done? Here is a quote:
No matter how individually small a criticism seems, IF IT IS part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, how then are you being valued as a true equal, or even valued at all, let alone loved unconditionally?
Pretty much sums me up right now. Guess we just try to keep our chin up and go on hoping.
Peace
@aquaCircle4302
Nice quote sums up a lot for many of us....... we get to a point where every item is twisted or taken wrong often by both partners ........ hard to make any headway when you cannot even communicate effectively and they do not even want to try ... every discussion becomes a fight ... every suggestion is twisted to an insult ........ so we live in silence all alone even with a person sitting in the same room
@toughTiger6481
Wow... again, as always, you're going through the same thing as I. Same attitude and same responses I get with her as you get with him. We're both sitting in the living room now with very little communication.
@Spearman60
While nice to know i am not alone with this i would not wish this on people i do not like.... it is a miserable way to live.
@toughTiger6481
Yes, it certainly is. I'm sorry you're going through it too. It is miserable , especially when you have those days when it really gets to you. Those of us in this kind of "marriage" long for companionship and close intimacy and it's just not there.
I do appreciate you being in touch and your comments. It has helped me knowing someone else out there gets it. I feel your pain...
@Spearman60 Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. Sexless marriages exist, unfortunately. Have you thought of telling your wife you are thinking of straying if it gets worse? ( not sure how it could get worse ). Sex and intimacy are part of marriage. Withholding them from your partner is a form of abuse. You should be frustrated. I am sorry you are going through this.
@jovialPeace5099
I'm going to be transparent here... thought I better warn ya... 😊
Sexless is what it is... now anyway. For many years, those moments were few and far between. She never seemed to be in the mood. She did say one time in so many words, that she figures if I wanted it, I'd come around for it. What kind of wife says that? I mean, that's not how I want it to happen! "Well, I'm here for you if you ever need it."..... I guess some men would like that, but I need more than that. I need conversation, intimacy and affirmation. I need her to take an interest in my needs for once!
As of today, it has not happened now for 2 years. It's been hard, but I've been disciplining my mind and heart to keep from going astray. Some days it's easy, some days are not. And yes, it's highly frustrating to say the least. But I try to keep my mind on work and my several hobbies I have. But I'm afraid that one of these days, I'll be at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong kind of person. But I'm trying to avoid that.
Thanks for your response to my thread here. Yes, I hate being in this club that nobody wants to be in. It's frustrating to say the least.
@Spearman60
Yes i agree for those of us ladies on the other side ...... a little bit of conversation / romance and an item my spouse NEVER understood ..........FOREPLAY.
imagine if you will throwing back covers to reveal standing at attention ......... expecting me to climb on and act like a pogo stick just for his need .......10 years .... of that, the last two only twice a year .....
an offer comes my way you better believe i will take up on it ........
@toughTiger6481
I guess I'm the odd duck in the huge crowd of men in this world. I need interactive intimacy and romance really. I mean, I need her to give me something... a conversation at least. She just doesn't seem to have the need for physical intimacy. I just don't understand her in all this. Maybe she finds me repulsive? I just don't know. Hadn't been successful in getting her to open up about any of this in the past.
But here we live day by day just like two people who are nothing more than roommates trying to get along. I have fought with this sexual frustration for many years, and I don't have any answers. Apparently it's not that important to her and she seems to be able to just live along without it. In the mean time, I continue to live in this no win scenario.
I realize I'm being really straightforward and transparent here, so I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules with this subject matter.
Again, thinking about your situation, mine and the others dealing with the same thing, I just don't understand why relationships have to be such a challenge. So frustrating isn't it.... 😒
@Spearman60
I also wonder what these folks feel ... zero interest or need in anything physical ........ EVEN as my spouse claims it is NOT a reflection on me ... it does make a person question their attractiveness their appeal etc.... that is a horrible feeling ........ when others said no it is NOT that i felt better but also mad he let me feel this way.
Either male OR female has zero libido i think a doctor should be consulted
@toughTiger6481
I was reading recently that a woman's libido decreases year by year after they turn 35. Maybe that's her issue. A man's libido may not decline until way into their 60's and 70's. So there you go... that must be our issue then. Hers is down and mine is still maintaining along.... 😊
Yeah, I don't know what they feel when there is zero to no physical interest. Everybody is just different I guess. I've known about of few people who had to have it all the time. Then there are those who are sex camels and go without it for long periods of time. So then you have couples who are sexually imbalanced with one another and find themselves in a troubled marriage, and eventually an affair potentially happens.
And what makes it even worse is when the one with the low libido doesn't seem to care about the other, and really doesn't have an interest in working out some kind of balance. It's called selfishness in my opinion.
I don't know.... maybe I need to make chasteberry a large part of my diet.... LOL!
@Spearman60. Did you say exactly those words to her? “I need conversation, intimacy and affirmation. I need you to take an interest in my needs for once!” Does she know how miserable you are? Does she know you are on this forum venting because you are so miserable? Since you are comfortable sharing this with all us strangers, you should definitely feel comfortable sharing with your life long partner. I know you said you have, but are you being 100% clear? What if you showed her everything you wrote on here?
@jovialPeace5099
Over the years, those needs have been communicated to her, yes. And no, she has no clue that I'm on this forum communicating these frustrations. I am feeling a slight sense of guilt over that, but being this is a totally anonymous sight, I feel somewhat safe in venting and sharing my frustrations.
Like I said, I have in the past shared with her more times than I can remember what's been bothering me and how I've felt, but it's always met with cold and very indifferent responses. I have put up with this for many years. She's very passive aggressive and very inward focused. I just have a hard time dealing with that anymore. I don't know what else I can do to get through to her. She's always been the type of person that generally doesn't concern herself with other people's needs, nor takes action to help others. I honestly think she would be just as happy being unmarried as to be married. It's very evident that our marriage and our relationship is not her top priority.
i am sure they FOUND stats to write such an article but in talking with many of my friends and myself .....no we are NOT running on zero interest zero libido..... mine increased greatly when i lost weight as well.... and we are older.....
I can grasp someone who lost any interest .... but like i told my spouse if teh tables were turned i would try or be open to his exploring outside interest ..... i would not make him feel like a leper and it was his fault ........ there is no real excuse for that it is just mean
@toughTiger6481
You're right, there is no excuse. That's the point of my my other thread, as to why a spouse has to make marriage such a challenge. And this thread... why is it that the one spouse has to be the one to breath life into a marriage while the other does very little to nothing. I've always been the type to strive to get along with others. But I don't understand why this marriage relationship has to be so challenging with her. Well, I give up. She's going to have to help breath life into our marriage or else it will just keep going like it's going.
I wished your situation would be better too. Wished you could find happiness in him changing. Wish all the other couples out there going through what you and I are going through could be happier.
So frustrating...
@Spearman60
Thank you for the kind wishes........
i Know now ........that even if he changed..... i might hold one to this resentment for a long long time.....
everyday makes it less likely i can truly forgive.
@toughTiger6481
I understand the resentment... I've thought the same thing. It would be hard. Even if your husband goes through a complete change of heart, it would be hard to distinguish the resentment. But if he actually did change and become a better husband, it would be something to build on. It would take time, and not something that would happen overnight. Large wounds take longer to heal.
I'll admit I've had moments of hope that my wife would change, but it's short lived and then she falls right back into her passive aggressive self-centered attitude. That personality trait is so embedded in her, it would take a miracle to see her change. Generally, outside of a miracle, people don't change from their embedded behavioral patterns. They are what they are. But change is not totally impossible if they are willing to make the sacrificial effort.
@Spearman60 I can feel you, I have seen a lot of my close ones to go through similar marriages. Marriage is a two way road and your feelings are justified here. I hope you will be able to find peace and a way out of this feeling. Best wishes.
@Ani0107
Thanks... not sure what to do anymore. Peace is what I need for sure.
@Spearman60 Rooting for you. I am sure you will figure it out. Everyone deserves to be loved and love should be peaceful.
I'm not sure if I can hang on to much hope anymore for things to change. It's hard living with someone who just doesn't seem to have a lot of interest in you. I work with my hands and I'm a skilled carpenter. I've built all three of the houses we have owned with my own 2 hands. I've been a good provider. We are a 2 income family, yes, but the reason we have what we have is because I took action and the initiative to get it. If it wasn't for me and the grace of God, we wouldn't have what we have.
I'd like for once for my wife to give me affirmation and show appreciation for what I do for her and I both. I'd like for once for her to give a little praise to me for the things that I do. I'd like for her to take an interest in me and my accomplishments. But I get none of that. In our 40+ years of marriage, nothing.
For me to be the one to keep breathing life into this marriage.... well, I'm finally out of breath. I give up. I've made a point to just enjoy life by myself and the things I like to do and just not worry about including her in my accomplishments, because quite frankly, she just doesn't care. I've prodded and even opened the door for her to acknowledge my accomplishments, only to be met with disappointment.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, things have changed now. I no longer care what she thinks and no longer will I look for her praise and admiration towards me. She doesn't care. I don't know why, I really don't. It's not like I've abused her in the past, because I have not. And what's really said is, I know deep down inside, she wants something from me. She wants something from me that she's unwilling to provide to me. That's what they call a one sided marriage. That's why its always me that breathes life into this relationship. Well, not any more. I'm done. I'm out of breathe and I can't do it any longer. So I guess from here on, civil roommates is all we'll ever be. How sad when it could be so much more if the light would finally go off in her pretty little head and she realizes what she's doing. Oh well.............
@Spearman60,
sounds like you have given her all you could with the best intentions and from a good heart.
I moved in with my wife end 2015. Left my home country, sold my house, burned all my bridges.
I followed my heart. I noticed she would come home from work being exhausted, quite often. Not good.
So I planned to find a well paid job so she could quit hers and focus on her hobby, a hobby where her heart lies at, a hobby that is her life juice.
My plan failed, let's say I took a wrong approach, underestimating how it works over here.
And I drove myself nuts, way beyond nuts. I crashed.
Later I realized I should have talked with her about my intentions.
And later I realized she just wanted me, that loving, caring, gentle and kind-hearted man she saw as the love of her life.
Those realization came too late for us. Our marriage might have failed anyway, she has deep issues, but my good intentions came back as a boomerang.
One lesson I learned, intentions can be good but often it is wise to talk about them first.
@dukeofdearham
Well, open communication is important in a marriage. My wife is passive aggressive and introverted, so communication is kinda limited with her. Like tonight, she came home from work tired and all, and I get that, but she didn't hardly say anything to me or acted like she wanted conversation. What she needs to do is leave that sour attitude at work and quit bringing it home and taking it out on me.
@Spearman60,
my wife would come home often exhausted, heading straight to the bedroom.
Not talking.
I never had an issue with that.
And I'm and introvert but enjoy having talks with people. I only need to be alone now and then. Introvert is not the same as being closed down.
@Spearman60,
my wife would often come home being exhausted, would say "I'm off" and would go straight to her bedroom.
I never took that personally and didn't feel like sour.
And I'm an introvert myself. Meaning, I like deep talks, company, and also need alone time now and then. Introvert is not the same as closing down.
Maybe you just more attention, more confirmation then your wife can give. Maybe she needs less attention then you, or attention in a different way.
Working hard, providing a house and food on the table is not what all women need. They crave for a loving caring husband.
I made that mistake. All my wife asked for was me, whether I had a swell job, would make a lot of money, or just a simple job that didn't pay too well. She didn't care, she wanted just to be loved.
We all have different needs, or needs at a different level.
You talk so much about your wife and you judge and label a lot.
That definitely doesn't help to get closer.
The question is never "what should she do to improve the relationship" but "what can I do to improve the relationship".
As for your marriage, the pattern is too deeply embedded it seems to ever be able to improve.
I understand where you're coming from but don't put all blame on her.
She might have tried her way and you simply didn't, couldn't notice. Ever.
@dukeofdearham
Well, here's the thing... please understand that you need to have more insight and knowledge of my situation. I have done things many times in the past to reach out to her as a loving husband. But the thing of it is, she's so inward focused, that she just doesn't reciprocate that loving affection that I've provided for her. She's not married to a cold hearted husband that doesn't care about others. I do care about others as well as caring for her. I just don't deserve to be treated with her passive aggressive introverted self centered personality where she is so focused on her burdens that she doesn't give much regard to others, especially me. She expresses very little appreciation and concern towards me and all the work that I do to provide for us. She's an inward focused person. I've dealt with this for many years now and I'm coming to the point where I'm tired of it. I've exercised extreme patience with her and this situation, more than anyone can realize, and more than a normal husband would be willing to tolerate. I'm at my wits end and just don't know what else I can do to change it.
The only way a person in this forum can truly understand our situation is to actually be here as a fly on the wall and observe it.
Here is what divorce is made of.... when I wife doesn't make the effort to take care of her husband and his needs, it is then when a husband begins to stray and end up in an affair. I know that society makes it all the husbands responsibility to keep the relationship alive. But women don't realize the power and the influence they can have on their husbands by taking care of them and giving them what they need, like affirmation and support. When we don't get that from our wife, then the relationship is severely weakened. It's a two way street, and it's about time that both men and women realize that.
@Spearman60
yes it is a two way street and what others think outside looking in ...
in my case no longer matters to me... both husbands and wives will stray if they feel alone and neglected...
there is no one size fits all narrative but if a person is negative and unhappy at a job etc and brings it home it is like mold it covers everything....... people will say many things to not change that and frankly most only see it AFTER it ruins a marriage etc..
If any one else reads these threads take it to heart especially in a long term relationship ... to take the time to appreciate your spouse with real appreciation not oh yeah thanks...
Do not take other items in your life that are negative and bring it home .......for those at home do not try to fix just LISTEN ...... while leaving someone alone when they had a bad day seems OK... and many times is ..... occasionally check ......because some day they may change their mind want to talk and now think it their spouse does not care.
every weekend is becoming something i dread told him last week the difference between how things he says/ does LOOK from my perspective he acted like ... NO NO did not mean it that way ...... but did nothing to change instead he wants me to learn to read minds nad no longer misunderstand his intention....... so NO progress.
@Spearman60 Let it rip. Better to get this off your chest than to let it build up to an affair or you saying something to her you'll regret and can't take back. Sorry to hear that your wife is so withdrawn.
@ListenerinLa13
Thanks! If you've seen my other threads, I've certainly been "letting it rip" on a lot of things. This site has helped me to vent and get it off my chest. It's burdensome to keep this bottled up inside with no one that I can vent and talk to. I have no one to talk to about this face to face. Wished I had a friend I could confide in to talk to about it all. This is the only place right now that I feel safe. It's good to have typing skills like I do because my fingers are really getting a workout... LOL!
Thanks for responding... 😊
I'm probably going to get reprimanded on this, but here it goes...
With all that I'm dealing with in my marriage to my wife, she approached me today suggesting we plan a long waited vacation to Colorado this fall with our camper. We haven't really gone anywhere since fuel prices have jumped up the last couple of years, and I was glad to use that as an excuse not to go anywhere in the past. Honestly, with what I'm dealing with in her, I really don't feel like taking a vacation with her. It pains me to say that, but I just don't. I feel we have too many issues to just take off on some long vacation and for her to not be willing to deal with things first. I feel like I'm just her ticket out there and the issues between us has no priority with her.
So for now, I told her I wasn't interested at the moment due to the high cost of fuel still, and I also admitted that I didn't really feel that excited about it. I want her to admit that we have issues and deal with it. And some may ask, "Why don't YOU bring it up and start dealing with it?" Well, I have so many darn times in the past, and it gets no where with her. And nothing ever changes. I'm trying to force her hand to step up and first acknowledge that we have problems, own up to her side of it, and lets get something resolved for once. But her passive aggressive introverted attitude won't let her do it. As I've said, I'm ALWAYS the one to have to fix things and I'm ALWAYS the one that has to breath life into this marriage! Gosh darn it, I'm tired of it!!!
Some might read this and think maybe I'm the one with the problems. Well, first of all, people need to understand more what I'm dealing with here with her. I'm really sick and tired of dealing with her apathetic, passive aggressive, introverted let me live in my little shell attitude.
Right now I feel like looking for an open wide field somewhere and scream my head off! I'm aggravated and so stinkin' frustrated right now.
@Spearman60
I totally agree with your approach far too many people like our spouses think a vacation or even a semi nice weekend and all issues are swept away ... NOPE
It is the root of the matter that needs to be solved ...........
once we hired a yard care company ..... did it because we did not have time to dig out all weed roots and such. the company just took a weed eater and cut down to ground...... they raked dirt over any stub left ( we did not pay their rate) we showed them the facade .......... a week later the weeds were back. Same thing here i do not want a marriage that looks ok for a week or to those not really looking.
@toughTiger6481
Getting to the root of it is really my goal in my motives. I'm trying to make her wake up and realize something in all this. She doesn't want to open up and deal with this, well, hopefully, this is forcing her hand.
But I tell ya, I sure don't enjoy doing this though.
Honestly, if we were to go on this trip, this issue would be carried along with us and won't change, just like in the past. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they wake up and finally realize a problem needs to be confronted and dealt with.@Spearman60
I understand you completely in how you JUST wish her to take the initiative and try and solve your issues together. Like come and lets talk about this , well i gootta tell you some people just hate confrontation , they don't know how to do it , plus they hate to be in the vulnerable position. Instead they much rather believe in action. Having said that ...I know you still wish that she does it , but from my experience she most probably won't, unfortunately. And if she has any slightest intention to, she wont share that intent with you , she might surprise you in the trip and try to open up in a very subtle way but you have to be very attentive.
Some ideas for thought for you :
Ever heard of the 5 love languages?
Maybe her love language is not the one you are speaking ... YOU ARE SPEAKING most obviously!!!! just not HERS maybe. !!???
@Spearman60
I know I'll not be popular here by saying so, but she reached out to you with a gest of love/friendship, whatever you want to call it, yet your reaction was passive aggressive, me things. Was it not? No wonder she went back feeling rejected to her shell. So far we hear your story. We need to hear her story to see the complete picture. There is no question your view is going to be biased by definition. For all we know she might suffer from childhood trauma, or personality disorder, or depression and needs help. Have you talked to her about that?
Ultimately, you two may not be compatible with each other and may need to part ways. Trying to change your partner in relationship rarely works from what I read and saw myself. Hope you find the love you need.
great response by the Duke.
"Start my own life"... hum... so that's the answer. How do you do that when you long for the companionship of a good loving, caring and compassionate woman? 😒
@Spearman60,
by owning your life.
By taking your life back.
By choosing you.
