Are You Dealing With A Covert Narcissistic Passive Aggressive Wife?
I've come to realize after 40+ years of marriage, that the root of our marital issues is her covert narcissistic passive aggressive behavioral attitude. I had always put the blame on myself a lot for some of it, and even beat myself up over it both emotionally and mentally. It's been a long hard struggle a lot of times dealing with this in her. After becoming more aware and educated in it recently, I really see it in her now. She may not be a full fledged covert narcissist, but she has many of the traits for sure. The main issues with her is she has a lot of pride, she's somewhat self righteous, self centered, has very little empathy, and she's quite passive aggressive in her attitude with me.
At the beginning of our marriage and dating, I was too ignorant and stupid to realize what I was getting into. The signs were there, but I wasn't smart enough to see it then. Physically, I was attracted to her back then, and thought that in time, the marriage would get better and improve. Then after two kids, things were still challenging and over the years I just stuck it out because of moral reasons. I was always taught that divorce was not an option. However, I considered divorce after the kids were gone. But I didn't go through with it. I've always been a person of commitment, so it was a hard decision. Now it's even harder being so embedded in this so called life with her.
Right now, because of her behavior, I'm miserable and deal with depression a lot. Some of that depression has to do with being this late in life and change is hard. Family relationships, friendships and the financial situation make it hard to consider separation, but then again, I don't want to be miserable the rest of my life. Hope in her changing... well, there's very little hope in that. Narcissists don't change.... so I've heard anyway.
I hadn't shared anything here in a while, and thought I would come and "unload my brain" on this and maybe some could offer some helpful advice. And maybe I could do the same in this thread. I'm not kidding when I say I'm miserable. Maybe you are too? Feel free to share what you like. Supporting one another does help... 😊
A thousand home extensions in a hundred cities conceal Narcissistic wives and lovers!
Wow this hit home.
It takes 2
Sorry to tell you but if you have been dealing with it for 40 years then you are as much to blame as her. You admit you are co-dependent but you are "working on it". I suspect it goes much deeper than this. Narcissists don't just attach to anyone. They need someone equally needy, otherwise you would have shaken her off a long time ago
@WhatNameidk
You know you have no idea what the full scope of my situation is so how can you sit there and comment like that. You don't know what I'm going through you don't know the details. Saying that I am just as much to blame as she is totally off base. What you need to do is gather up more information about situation before you decide to comment on it like that
I went through the "exact" same thing. Physical, emotional, psychological and mental abuse as a child. When I married as I learned later, I married the chaos that I was use to as a child because and I know now, I married her because I didn't believe I deserved better. She love bombed me the first 6 months of the marriage but after that it was all down hill. I didn't want divorce. She had bipolar and BPD. My counselor said she really did not want divorce but wanted more power. Power for her meant control me. I divorced her. Do I regret it? Yes and no. I regret what could have been. But I rejoice in my peace. I learned that I needed to fix in me what was broken for me first. I had and still have depression.
@Dennis2542
Thanks for your comment. I guess there's times that we just attach ourselves to things that are familiar. I think that's what I did when I married her. My mother was a overt narcissist and still is today. My wife is a covert narcissist in a lot of ways. She at the time at the beginning reminded me of my mother so I went with what I was familiar with and didn't know better. It wasn't till recent years that I've discovered what I'm exactly dealing with in my wife. It's a tough road and I'm not optimistic it's going to last much longer.
@Spearman60
Hi Spearman Looks like we have a lot in common and I’m here to listen to you if you need to vent. I was in a relationship for 22 years with my narcissist boyfriend and finally grew a set of balls and kicked him out 6 months ago
Since a year ago in march things had gone from bad to worse and he dragged me into this dark hole that I was so depressed that I couldn’t function anymore
They seem to get worse as they age and they will never change because they don’t even admit that they are the problem
Its only been 6 months but I’m getting my life back and take it one day at a time
Please take care of yourself and connect with me if you need to chat
@sympatheticCat267
Thanks for your response I appreciate it. It's been a tough road and I'm not sure how much longer this is going to go. I'm not optimistic it's going to last very long. I'm kind of torn up in this and dealing with a lot of depression now and then. But I'm trying to move towards self care. I'm trying not to let her get to me and plus trying to keep myself busy with work and my hobbies that I have. I try to go off and relax and have some peace and quiet to myself. I'm trying not to let her get to me and not to react to her. Sorry I don't come here a lot everyday. I'm just now getting back to responding to some of the replies. Thanks for reaching out! Are you a listener here at 7 Cups?
@Spearman60
Im sorry I didn’t get right back to you for I know how hard it it to land back on your feet 😥 I’m not an official listener here because I’m new and still trying to navigate through this site but I’m willing to listen to anyone that is going through the same situation
I need you to understand that waking away from your Narc wife and going NO Contact is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you think you are depressed now well I only tell you from my own experience that if you stay with her she will drag you deeper into depression.
Im happy to hear that you are keeping busy with work and hobbies that is very important but it still doesn’t numb the pain you’re going through I know it sucks 😔 I also keep myself busy I’m retired so no more work but I have plenty to do here because I have a big property and there is always something to do around here. But it doesn’t seem to be enough I know and then I still get angry at myself for not having left sooner and waisted so many good years of my life. You must understand that they will never change and I don’t think you want live your life that way for you deserve to be happy 😃
Over the years I developed a drinking problem because all I wanted to do is numb myself in order to deal with my bad situation. Yes I’m a very functional alcoholic and not very proud of it and now that I have peace in my life I’m still drinking WHY? He did so much damage to me and now Im addicted to alcohol 😖😖😖
My therapist told me to write a goodbye letter to my ex and that really helped a lot. I did not sent it to him because that just gives them more fuel it was for myself. It was very therapeutic to say the least. She pulled out an empty chair in front of me and made me read it picturing my ex. I thought it was a great exercise. After that you decide what you do with the letter you can burn it, put it in the shredder, but I decided to tie it to a brick and throw it in the ocean and watch him drown. I know that sounds heartless but that is how I really feel. He took my heart and destroyed it and please don’t let that happen to you. They will slowly destroy you believe me
Please take good care of yourself for it’s your time to shine and keep me posted 😊
@Spearman60
Hi again I forgot to mention something
check out Danish Bashir on YouTube he has helped me a great deal I recommend him highly and no I don’t get a commission for it 😂🤣
@Spearman60
im new but dealing with the same difficulties with my husband. He is leaving me broke, homeless and I’ve been a mom and wife for 24 years. What do I do now?
@Kirsta
I'm so sorry he's doing that to you. Do you have anyone that you can stay with for the time being? I know it's been two or three days since you left your reply but wondering how you're doing now?
@Kirsta
please read my post to spearman it might help you
You can reach out to me anytime
@Spearman60 I understand, I have an exhusband/partner who isn’t so passive aggressive. He’s the aggressor. It’s a long story but I was gifted with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. I struggle every waking minute of everyday and to top it off I’m left asking myself if I’m crazy. Why is it hard to just leave? Start new. The psychiatrist I was talking to helped slot but economically I couldn’t afford to keep meeting with them. I’ve taken steps backwards and I very much hate myself for it.
@Becauseimdownbad
I'm sorry what you're going through I deal with depression anxiety myself on a daily basis. Do you have some good friends that you can trust and spend time with? I'd encourage you to take time for self care and to encourage yourself in some things whether it's friends Hobbies or something. That's what I'm working on it seems to be slowly helping. I don't have much and friends locally here. I wished I did cuz I knew it would help
@Becauseimdownbad
I understand not having the funds for therapy for it’s very expensive but please check out Danish Bashir on YouTube he helped me a lot
keep us posted please for we are all in the same boat here
@Spearman60: No I’m not dealing with a narcissistic passive aggressive wife since I don’t have one. But I’m dealing with people who is narcissistic in addition to many other negative qualities. They’re so called “family” members so till I’m free from them if I ever am I’m unfortunately stuck with them. Things like listening to music, keeping my distance from them, and sites like this are helpful but I really wish I was free from them permanently.
If you feel this way about your wife, then I completely understand what you’re dealing with and sympathize for you and am very sorry you have to go through this. I hope it gets better for you :) Please reach out to me if you need/want someone friendly to talk to or to listen to anything you wanna say :)
@akunknown
I would like to my two cents in for whatever it’s worth. I feel your pain but just because they are your family members doesn’t mean you need to be in this toxic relationship with them. I have a very small family one older brother, older sister whom I don’t have a relationship with because I can’t deal with their negativity and jealousy. I have no more room in my life for people like that family or friends. Sometimes I can’t stand people in general anymore and want to be just left alone. Maybe I’ve been disappointed too much in my lifetime. I’m a very giving person and that works against me a lot of times and it makes you bitter a lot.
I disowned my youngest son a few years ago because of his toxic behavior. Never seen my two year old granddaughter and another one on the way this month. I’m ok with it because I need tranquility in my life. Just be happy and if those family members are making you miserable then it’s time to more on or at least keep it to a bare minimum like a happy birthday or merry Christmas
Life is too short and you be happy
.
@sympatheticCat267:
“just because they are your family members doesn’t mean you need to be in this toxic relationship with them.”
Yes completely true and agree with you on that. That’s why I’m keeping my distance from them as much/as long as possible. But because they’re “family” members I can’t distance myself 100% from them, at least not right now. If/when I can do that I most definitely will because you’re right. I don’t need to be in a toxic relationship with them.
“Sometimes I can’t stand people in general anymore and want to be just left alone. Maybe I’ve been disappointed too much in my lifetime.”
Yeah I feel that way sometimes too. For me it’s not maybe because I’ve been disappointed. I know I’ve been disappointed too many times by people in my life and it’s still happening. Not always and not by everyone in my life but just sometimes and by some people.
“I’m a very giving person and that works against me a lot of times and it makes you bitter a lot.”
I’m too giving. I used to be a people pleaser putting everyone else before me. I still am however now it’s not for everyone like it used to be. Now it’s just for certain people and the others, well I just let them do whatever themselves or seek help from someone else. I’m done wasting my time, effort, energy on people who disrespect me, don’t value me, see no worth in me, never appreciate me or anything I’ve done for them. Why should I waste my life on them when it doesn’t benefit me and when I could be doing other things that are good for me??
It happens in more cases, that you might think . We all think we cans change the person. But nothing on this earth can change a train of thought
@Spearman60
Narcissist make everyone miserable. They ruined things, and yet why some people seem to feed their ego, and sacrifice others to please the narcissist?
Why do people seem to want to please the narcissist as if the narc was more important than those being 'sacrificed'?
Why can't people stop pleasing the narcissist? 😔
Cool , I get what you are saying. But you have to see. That power rules , ultimately. They make you think. It’s all your fault, to stand up to them , can be extremely difficult. They train your brain, or with violence. And there is the aftermath, of leaving, and the fear. Uou won’t cope, because they have told uou, no one will want you. Ofcourse it’s not true, but it’s like some one telling uou, 24. 7 yiur not good enough, and that they tell you it’s your fault, which ofcourse again it is not. If you speak to anyone Who had a narcissist in their life. Will ask, was it my fault .