Am I selfish?
just posting a thought:
I feel selfish sometimes when I think about this almost 40 year relationship. I am the self sacrificing type unfortunately. I made sure my spouse had everything he needed for a longtime , now in therapy I realize due to my extremely traumatic past I did this as a protection tactic. I have also realized that I am so stupid to sacrifice all my needs for his. I was doing all this in fear -not of him - he's a decent albeit self centered person.
So this being said I am trying to communicate what I need in this relationship for 3 years now and to no avail. He just doesn't hear me. I feel in some way I laid the grounds for this relationship so long ago that he thinks this is normal and its all about him. I think he is just being himself but is unaware of his selfish tendencies.
I feel I am selfish to want other things from this relationship because I let it be the way it was for so long. Almost like I lied ( not on purpose -out of fear) about myself for so long that he's confused by my sudden changes. I want more, need more and I'm not getting it no matter how I ask. I suppose he just can't be something this new me, the real me needs.
I suppose I care about him and this relationship because I'm still here. I feel I've exhausted myself trying to communicate to him that I need more from this relationship. Its so frustrating.
Maybe I just need to commit this struggle to God and hope he can open a path for me so I know what to do.
Still in therapy likely for the rest of my life because I have been so conditioned by my abuser as a young person and continued to use that conditioning to guide me through my life. I am trying to recreate new pathways in my brain so as to overcome all that robotic conditioning I endured and followed to survive .
I want more from my life and trying all new things I am capable of to achieve some contentedness.
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Ouch, that sounds like a really challenging place to be.
It can be hard to distinguish "being yourself" from "being selfish" -- I can relate to that as well.
It sounds like you've tried really hard to try to communicate your needs to your partner. I assume you've tried different tactics and different phrasings, and he just doesn't seem to get it. That does sound very frustrating.
Just curious, how does he react when you say you want things to change? Does he get mad when you bring it up? Does he just ignore it? or...?
It's REALLY hard to break out of set and established patterns, for everyone involved. I applaud you for trying to listen to yourself and take care of your own whole-being-needs.
@GoingInCircles365
And to answer your actual question, "Am I being selfish?"
No. I don't think it's selfish to want to be yourself. You can still be a good partner and be true to yourself, but that takes a lot of work from everyone involved.
@GoingInCircles365
Thank you so much for reading my post. I appreciate your supportive response.
I am glad you don't think I am selfish.
One of the avenues I tried to communicate with my partner was to write detailed letters . He tried for awhile to accommodate my requests but then slipped into old patterns again. I think he's uncomfortable with some of my requests , I can tell even though he didn't say it.
He married me when I was the young timid scared girl and very accommodating. Now I'm more in tune with my true self . It's kind of unfair to him in a way because he thought he was getting X and then I changed into a Z...
It's difficult for me to connect with people including him because of my past. I fear judgement and criticism. I have done things I'm not proud of and he wouldn't be either.
I grieved for a few years over my stolen identity and I'm trying to connect to my real self. I have been through way more than the normal. It's been really rough.
ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Hi ABB, It sounds like you're doing a lot of personal work trying to connect with your sense of self and self-identity, and honestly, I think that's the best any of us can do.
We all change over the course of our lives. Based on what you've said, I'd say you have changed into a more confident person, a more self-aware person, and someone who tries really hard to communicate clearly and effectively rather than sweeping unpleasant stuff under the rug. Those are all positive changes, and good for you! :)
@amiableBlackberry92
No, it is not selfish to be human or to have needs.
and No - you were not stupid the past 40 years. The journey you followed led you here to this moment, to have walked so far away from the abusive younger years, to take some space and reflect, while maintaining a safe space in the only way that you felt able to all those years. Choices and decisions made at the time were based upon who you were then.
I am glad therapy and healing has led you to step up to want more, claim more from life and the relationship. 3 years is a reasonable time to evaluate his responses to what you've been saying. If he isn't hearing your words, maybe a different method of communication can be tried.
You were a different person with a different way of doing the relationship 40 years ago, that was not a lie just as today is not a lie. People grow, evolve, mature and needs change.
Much strength to you.
@amiableBlackberry92 My situation is somewhat similar to yours. Five years ago, I left my husband of 15 years. He was emotionally abusive and very controlling. Like you, I minimized his responsibility. I had been on lithium for 18 years and when I went off it, I realized how numb I had been to allow myself to be treated badly. After I left him, he begged me to get back together. Luckily, I had been getting some therapy and learned how to set boundaries. I told him we could be together only if he stopped trying to control me and that things would be different in our relationship. It's been 5 years now and a big learning experience for me. I've learned how to recognize when he starts being abusive and speak up about it. I won't allow him to treat me badly anymore. He has been open to hearing about what I'm learning to take care of myself better and is mostly supportive. It still isn't perfect, it's an ongoing process. I hope you can continue to ask your partner to treat you the way you want to be treated. You have the power, you deserve it. Wishing you all the best.
@adenturousVillage7138.
Thank you for responding to my post. I understand the struggle of relationships. So difficult to navigate. I have to say my spouse is a gentle soul . I'm sorry your struggling too.
Thanks for your encouragement and words of kindness. It's very much appreciated.
I wish the best for you too .
ABB 💜
There is so much that i wish i could adequately convey to you, but i lack the words. I can relate to so much of what you say. You are far from selfish....you are brave and courageous in doing the hard work to discover who you really are. Underneath the years of pain and cruel conditioning you are now stepping out into the light and trying to be the person you were always meant to be. That takes a massive leap of faith and courage. Unfortunately, your hubby is probably utterly bemused by these changes. No one finds change easy and perhaps he is stubbornly sticking to the narrative of old. Just as you need time to evolve, he needs time to adapt. This could be an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow together. We are not the same person as we were yesterday...let alone many years ago. We are constantly in a state of flux. I slightly cringe at my next suggestion as it may sound very cliched, but would your hubby ever consider couples counselling ? Another approach may be to circumnavigate the relationship challenges by enjoying new activities together. Those endorphins released by going on a massive walk, playing tennis, walking along the beach holding hands and acting daft , can strengthen your connection. Anything that releases the feel good hormones will strengthen your bond and in time, after enjoying each others company and you are both content and relaxed you might find hubby more receptive and more willing to try and understand. But above all to accomodate and support you on your continuing journey. Apologies as i seem to have waffled on a lot ! You have every right to grow and after 40 years of marriage you don't need me to tell you that humour is what oils the wheels of any relationship. I think you are doing amazing and your hubby just needs time to come to terms with it all. Please though, don't compromise your growth for a quiet life. A union of such time can withstand being buffeted by the wind and still remain intact.
I applaud your courage. And wish you well, you deserve it xxx
@sooty41
Thank you for your words of wisdom. . We have accomplished some of these suggestions. I have days when I feel encouraged and some I feel discouraged but I'm not a quitter. So I keep trying. I find myself on a path of self discovery alot of times. We are a work in progress..
Thx for responding 😊
ABB 💜