To forgive or Not
I’m 43 and have 2 kids, in the past 2 yrs I felt very alone because my husband distant himself from us. I was going through a hard time with my dad’s battle with cancer and eventually died from ALS 6 months ago. During this time he didn’t offer any emotional support and I thought he was depressed. So I am working to change myself and ask for counseling but he turned it down saying everything was okay. 5 days ago I found out he was talking to another women for about a year and he left. I am still in shock. I did ask him one time if he has someone else but he laughed at me and I felt bad to even ask. So I trusted him. This is my 2nd marriage, 12 yrs. My first marriage was 10 yrs and my ex also left me with the girl he cheated on me with and it took me so long to recover. With my husband, he knows about this and he said he would never do such a cowardly thing. I trust him and didn’t want my pass trauma to affect this relationship so when I found out, the pain is even worse. After my dad passed away, I told him things need to change, he is so cold and distant from me. And I started working on myself, gave him more attention and just doing all that I can. And he is still giving me silent treatment when I try to communicate with him, I just feel like a bad person around him, like a needy controlling wife. I’m starting to go crazy. He texted me a day after he left and say he is sorry and that he loves me and the kids. I said to come home and talk about it and he ignored me for a couple of days, then I texted him come home, family is important and to forgive himself. yesterday he texted me a long message about his guilt and how he can’t face me. I did not respond because I don’t know what to say. Maybe I am just so lost, anyone here have a suggestion?
i think I want to stay together to work it out because of my kids and I feel like grass is not greener elsewhere. You just have to keep watering your own grass. That have always been my mentality and he knows it. I never cheated on anyone in my life because I know how that felt from the first marriage. It can really mess you up. Going through this a second time almost make me feel hopeless to be honest. How can I ever trust people again?
I am worry I cannot forgive him and that would be my reason I don’t want him back. Also, if he really want me back he should come to me instead of sending me text saying he can’t face me. So if I was him I would man up and own the mistake and tell me what he done wrong and how he will work on being better. Basically right now I only get the apology but no action. So if I say come back, would he be coming back with 100% effort?
It just drives me crazy that this whole time I was begging him to work on our relationship when he already has his emotional needs satisfied by her. It was until the last moment when I saw the text from her that he finally gave in and told me the truth. The thing is he said it’s only talk and it’s been one year. I can’t help but question if that is the truth or not. If he still talks to her or not? And then if they have cyber sex or not. Just so many things going through my head.
Thanks for listening, I don’t know where to vent, I keep this to myself so he doesn’t have to look bad if we work things out. If everyone knows they will always look at him differently. Any comments/ suggestions are welcome. Thank you.
@limegreenBeechwood6100 Thank you for sharing this. I can only imagine you feel very lost and confused withy your husbands actions . You feel your past trauma is making you doubt him. When things are explicitly told to you in which someone shares they have cheated or betrayed you the hurt it causes can be so shocking. Trust your own intuition with what you wish to do and make your decisions carefully and with input from people in your life you trust. Perhaps friends and families have been through same issue. You wished your partner had told you the truth but in their mind they are thinking of the consequences in telling you. In them explicitly telling you to your face about what’s going on would hurt you but hiding the truth is more hurtful and for you to find out in ways they cannot imagine. Ask yourself what in general you expect from relationships? What are your boundaries in relationships? People often blame themselves for their partners cheating and I hope this is not the case with you. It’s difficult to give your trust to your partner when they have done something which is really difficult to accept any apology for. You are not weak for accepting their apology if so. And you are not weak if you choose not to.
oh man, my heart goes out to you. I have no idea what I would do in your position either. I understand not wanting to talk to anyone about this because of fear of him looking bad in the future. Ur it’s very hard d to keep all of this bottled up. I’m glad you’ve chosen to come here to vent but I’m sure it probably hasn’t helped you make a decision on what to do. I just hope you can find peace of mind and happiness. You sound like such a caring, devoted person who deserves to have that same care and devotion returned. I wish you the best. 💚💚💚
I wish my words become hugs and reach to you, I wonder how a small heart can manage to have so much pain. In my view one time vent out of your feelings and unsaid emotions is not enough. Feel free to connect me when you need someone to listen with empathetic heart. May we can change something. Hugs
Today I found out he lied again. He said he quit smoking and I caught him with one this morning. So basically through this healing process I told him no more lies and we start on a clean slate. So now what? He crossed our trust boundary. Do I just give up or how many chances do I need to give?
Take it from someone who ruined 1 marriage with dishonesty and being unwilling to change and is in the process of ruining another one. Change is a long process. I always felt like I was sparing my partners feelings by not telling them things that would hurt them or stretching the truth when answering questions about things I always thought it was a good lie, right? I’m still in the process now of coming to the realization of how much these actions can hurt someone else. I’m not an expert, but I’m not sure those changes can be made unless you really want them to be made. Which is a difficult thing, looking inward and admitting your flaws. Unless he’s had some serious time for deep reflection, he may not be ready to change. Set a firm boundary with him. Let him know what you won’t tolerate. Let him know if he crosses that boundary, it’s over. Then hold yourself to it. Your happiness and mental well being is what’s important in the end. Don’t hold yourself back for a person that isn’t willing to keep you happy.
@limegreenBeechwood6100
hey Lime...im a little late to respond but im with some of the other support here esp those mentioning this might be a long process and wont be a quick one..
I too, read how you yourself identified things good in your life...thats important because if we are only stewing in the 'down' we might not find 'getting up' so easy
so...leaving room to work hard on your situations, but also lots of room to take breaks, and take into account good things
I read to the part you mentioned the lie about smoking...also some bits earlier on how you wondered how much to forgive, and when etc... personally I would share that I think those lines are decided by ourselves
..I used to think people are very unhelpful and unkind, when they refuse to tell me "exactly what" only realizing later - because we fight out actual battles...(or using analogies say...starting a business so to speak) only we know "how much capital" to invest because someone might spare $50,000 but maybe, we have $80,000?? so my point is.. it feels a) scary, may feel b ) "alone" that you have to come up to a decision yourself
but the good thing is - supportive people celebrate the steps you go...and not so much the nitty gritty of when you forgive, how much, and how you forgave..
"I should be grateful for what I do have. Sometimes when I focus too much on the negative, it seems like end of the world. I think it will take time to heal" - these are very, very, very good pathways to healing up
and again I am so sorry that happened to you.
when TWO people made a decision, and carry it on 10 years...12 years and then one party decided to not do so anymore, it says NOTHING derogatory about us, or detracts from our worth
it just says the other party decided differently now. of course we can go into crazy details how a) we may have caused the change b ) oh how silly we tried putting out the fire best we can..and then we didnt..
just keep on going the best you can.
and we are not supposed to save 'every single world'
sometimes things crack. ..and it's not all bad
pace yourself, keep going
and you are being supported because AS FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS, we cheer each other on
keep on going, Lime ! ✊
@limegreenBeechwood6100
I understand you are lost...confused...disheartened ...feeling wronged and cheated on...terrible situation..
But great clarity of mind i must say....you sound like a very very strong woman....i believe u need some time to get settled with the fact that he cheated upon you...
I believe ...we are less intuitive when we are stressed out....
you will be able to take a firm decision about him when u are less stressed out and more comfortable with the reality ....
take your time...no need to hurry...let urself be settled with the fact and then take decision....
Thank you all for your kind words, it’s nice to have this type of support. I have been reading Elkhart Tolle and listening to Untethered Souls by Michael Singer, both books are helping because it talks about how our emotions drive a lot of our unhappiness. I think things will happen no matter what, how we respond to it is the only control we have. I am letting my feelings of sadness live in here but not letting it take over me. It’s getting better but some days are hard. The hard part is really fighting with myself, always a part of me cannot fully trust him because of his past actions and like most of you mention, change takes time, there are things that are suspicious but I am letting it go and not dwell over it. The part that fights within me is that it’s because I let it go before that’s why he keeps lying to me. So I feel dumb to let it happen again but it’s not for sure, thus my mind is chaotic.
I need time to heal and not want from him any more. Once I am strong enough, and the truth is he loves us then we can grow from that. If trust is still an issue, I hope to be at a point that i can walk away feeling freed, knowing I tried my best and not beating myself for giving up.
