My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool
My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool. I am 40 this year and completely ashamed of myself.
I've failed to:
~ Achieve my life dreams in time (when all my peers are thriving well settled with career & family)
~ Thrive in my Self Employment: Business in fields of my passions. When i started I had my mojo and things were growing reasonably for a while. then lost my mojo and struggling to build it back up
My Life Dream during my personal best times (3 years) ... were these:
1] Get a Scholarship: was a 90% student, athlete, deep intellectual research. singing, engineering passion etc
2] Begin my Business: Pooling all my talents and creative energy to empower lives.
3] Settle with my own Family
All within usual age of 20-30s. Anything wrong with that?? esp when most peers do that?
~ On the day week of the major examinations ... I got nervous breakdown (despite being positive and excited) forgot all my points, understood nothing, forgot my English grammar
~ Instead of 90+% I ended up barely passing the examination with life-long record of it to boot.
~ Life after that was a downward spiral the more i tried to rise up till today.
~ While i hate working under others instructions, I did for 3-4 years apply for every job in all valid sectors upon my graduation from 26-30. few 1000s job - to start me off I got NONE of them. I did some part time gigs ..worked hard ... but got let go for not being a fit. While i worked hard ... I hated every moment of being employee.
~ My family (folks extended fam): Narc Toxic (folks) and family of enablers (since they are doing well). Massive family showdown happens at 30 ... because tired of getting nothing, i decided to start freelance towards my dreams. I became the useless black sheep and scapegoat. to this Day.
~ My freelance work began being a tutor, then added FX trading (which for a few years i was nailing 3-5% daily, but with limited capital from excess of other income.). in 2020 I tried to add building an E-business.
~ I lead a simple personal life on a budget < $500. I end up spending my less like $200-300 monthly only ... so its more than enough for other essential expenses. the rest of my income in savings.
~ Tutor income was limited by my being a solo tutor (offline).
~ My Fx capital was limited by profitablity + top ups from being a tutor. I kept both a levels I could afford.
~ except that the savings and everything .... while more than enough to support my survival is not enough to get my own place.
And then in the pandemic period....Lots of things happened ....
1. I lost my FX mojo. most trading decisions are wrong, and does not help that when i progress, now i am allowed 10-20% per trade. So its pointless I top up capital .. unless I trade right!
I hate myself so much because ppl who do this by now are usually multi-millionaires? How am I working?
2. Tutorships dwindled to nothing this year. with everything going online as well. I am tryign to transition into coaching courses ... but marketing has yielded no results.
3. E-Business: over 2 years .... hardly any sales with initial version and had to keep modifying business model and researching to make it work. At my wits end.
My folks have retired but doing part time. Using that to gaslight and blame shift and the whole works. Interrupt my work etc...I work from home yes. They love to praise themselves and compare.
I can only ignore so much. They have their monthly annuity source though. They expect me to sponsor the whole house expenses.
Does not help that my own health is showing its signs from less than in 20s. I know I need to exercise and all. But doing so reminds me of my failures and I instantly lose motivation. Forcing myself ironically tenses me up ... which becomes dangerous to exercise then. Let alone hating myself for not haveing my fire in me
Still getting my own place to live. As in my country ... its mighty expensive and i can only go for private property due to regulations.
I am 40 and have lost my sense of purpose in life. I do not know what I am going forth towards. It feels I am just heading towards senility and grave. I feel I am past all the usual life establishment chekcpoints but am at Zero.
I am afraid anyone reading this ... may conclude I am just giving excuses. I know I am not.
I am fighting and fighting for decades to have my personal life, space and way - away from toxicity. Just keep face planting.
Seeing others thriving simply adds on to my sense of failure. I am Lost, Jaded, Sad
What should my next step be?
@Applehorse
Hello!
I’m sorry that you feel this way.
40 is still young! Its important not to compare ourselves to others.
As long as you are here and healthy, that is an achievement within itself.
Perhaps setting small goals will help give you sense of purpose.
Or indulging in hobbies or exploring new ones to find new interest.
I appreciate you sharing with us.
The community is by
your side<3 🌿🌺
@innateJoy9602 So sorry to hear this.
If you need emotional support please, try a listener.
To find one, please visit: https://www.7Cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Or if you would like to talk with a therapist please visit: https://www.7Cups.com/online-therapy/?Ob=1
Also 7cups has support rooms, where members support members, and where members come for support.
I hope this helps.
I hope things get better for you.
@Happy900 I've listeners. always talking to them. Sometimes I've to type all of these again to each one or some version.
But here it's like typing to quora or open forum. better than just chat room. At least I can cry louder here. as it's that painful. But I am thanking all of you for your replies as well... I refer often when i need hope ...
I like feel all alone in this ... but you guys all here give me some glimmer to keep going
@innateJoy9602 Thanks for supporting this member.
You have a very supportive heart, just wanted to let you know.
@Applehorse hey
I’m kinda in the same mind frame, feel stuck and unmotivated.
life throw’s us unpredictable things. Sometimes I feel lonely and anxious.
work full time but sometimes I wish that I could just get away from everything and everyone … fake people all over the place.
@honestAvocado1343 Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Thanks for opening up with us.
Talking about your feelings, is not always the easiest.
You did an amazing job.
So very proud of you.
On the flip side I think this could also be a great place to be at to be honest. Although we are taught our worth comes from how much money and the job and blablablabla that kind of thinking very commonly, never leads to true fulfilment. Of course money is needed to survive and more is better, and having career goals is important, that isn’t all to life and shouldn’t be. I can guarantee many of those prior peers who you see as success stories are angry or lost or confused in their own positions in life. This is a great time for true self discovery, you can do whatever you want in this life and that may or may not fully line up with traditional and expected values, and comparing yourself to your peers is only exhausting. Take it easy and heal, purpose will come, try as many new things and hobbies as you can while you are lost, meet people, share stories. because why not
@tundroi Thanks for your words of encouragement.
You have an encouraging soul, just wanted to let you know this.
@tundroi Your words are so valuable.
I yearned to be Scholar: I love the intellectual knoweldge filled environment and learning. Also the prestige and confidence coming from it.
Business to me: yes its money ... but its also the service and product it provides and serves people that appeals to me. Cashflow is something I like too. But not because of quantity, but how the way money works and flows in the economy.
Similarly, my whole Mind is different from regular study for grades or work for money mentality. I simply cannot operate from that paradigm.
Also my Dreams is actually not to achieve these, But the Lifestyle After achieving these. Into the Arts.
@Applehorse I am much younger but I am heading your way. All because people reject me.
@Applehorse
@Applehorse
I'm 62 AND just this week... I finally got it. It came from not quitting. I've been a hardworking man my entire life but failing at everything. That did not mean I was a failure. You can imagine how many times/years I've felt exactly like you do now. (You just found 10,000 ways that didn't work yet) “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” Thomas A. Edison
I know you're lost and tired and Jaded.. Feeling jaded is a big deal. And I'm really sorry you are having these feelings. When you are feeling stronger remember this quote: “Everything yields to diligence.” Antiphanes.
I do not think you are making excuses AT ALL! You have organized your thought's, You've written them down in an organized manner. You've shared them with us, not only seeking help and guidence but also maybe to have witnesses to your rebirth and your future triumphs.
The reason I told you I was 62 and just figured it out is because it feels so good!.... SO GOOD! It is so worth not quitting or feeling impotent. Perhaps our ego's have to be reduced to nothing before we can use our time being thankful for our humble blessings instead of feeding into our epic failures and fears. Rest - Keep your post going - Again, plan the work, work the plan. You Got This!
A story will emerge that you will be proud of.... All that you have done thus far is experiment, learn and built some platforms. All these things will help you for many years to come if you do not quit.
Rest, Absorb, Reduce, Regroup. You've got many good years ahead of you my friend. 💪
Seems to me that you're being too hard on yourself. I have felt this way many times before and there are many life goals that I haven't accomplished but there's no timeline for anything there's no rule book either and failure is the road to success. We're all trying to figure life out and there's no right or wrong answer for anything. Putting unnecessary pressure on yourself is only going to end up making you feel worse. When you lay your head down at night ask yourself if you did the best you could and if your answer was yes than you won the day. So wake up the next day and try to win again. That's all any of us really can do. I hope you find this helpful.
I am wondering If I should just give up on all my dreams. Because I realise that my Real DREAM is not the Being Fit or Smart or Business setup. But the Life AFTER that is my Dream.
But at 40 ... is there any point in still wanting to live a life of my prime? I know for most people take it as it comes. For me, I cannot sleep without my former dreams reminding me of not fulfilling them. Sometimes I just feel like throwing everything away and just existing quietly till my end.
@Applehorse
Hi Ya Applehorse, Good to see you again. I believe most of us start off with plan, a goal, a dream. BUT very few of us realize the flipside of that dream. The hard work, The sacrafices, The failures and the hopelesness of it all sometimes. We do not think of; or ever see this flipside until it happens.
All we see is the success. We pride ourselves about our hard work. We wake up with a purpose and go to bed tired from working so hard. We are driven by desire, determination, ego and hope. When we lose these things and they dissapear it's normal for us to be lost and confused.
This Cliche or Quote is so valuable if you absorb it's full impactful meaning. "It's about the journey, not the destination" I'm 22 years older than you. The sooner you get it, the more years you'll enjoy it.
A young child wants to be a car racer. The same teenager has been working on all types of mechanincal things for years and he's really good. He enters a local dirt track race when he gets his driving license. He works every year making money to build his car to win. He loses most races but wins enough to make it to the big leagues. Still working and borrowing money for many more years to win the big race. He finally is keeping up with leaders of the pact. He gets sponsered and through all his failures he's almost made it. He has one lap to go to take the Checkered flag..... But he has a horrible crash.... Leaves him unable to drive ever again and in debt.
Years later we find him happier than he has ever been; teaching kids in a vocational school because he made a decision when he was lost from absolute failure and getting drunk and wasting his time.... He decided, made the choice to enjoy the work of his trade, tools and knowledge. He let the journey lead him and ended up in a vocational school where he still enjoys the journey of every individual day.
Just remember, It's possible!
I really can’t give any advices that can help with existential crisis, but one thing I do know that’s definitely gonna help—do exercise. Go jogging, play a sport, whatever you want. You might not be able to achieve all the big goals that you aspire, but exercising will make you feel good, both physically and mentally, so that you wouldn’t give up even at the hardest times. Your perspective and emotions is the basic of everything. As long as you don’t give up on yourself, there’s hope in anything. This is my personal experience, go exercise! You got this!
@Applehorse
I am sorry to hear of how everything has turned out and left you feeling so lost, jaded, sad. I read your post and all your subsequent posts in this thread.
It seems like you put all your efforts at any moment, into that future day when you can finally be happy. So when that doesn't work out, you lose not only that distant future potential happiness but also everything today, because today was never invested into today. That is so complicated.
There is another way, a simpler way; and the quickest and easiest path to it is to answer just one question completely honestly every morning when you wake up. If you have only this one day today, given all of your current present circumstances and resources, what would you be happy doing right now? Every single day. Until it becomes a habit to know you deserve happiness now, not at some random point in the future or conditional to meeting x number of milestones.
There is also a path in between the two above. That is to decide how much of today deserves to be invested into the potential future, and how much of it must be spent in the pursuit of present happiness. Potential future would be the big goals that need time and planning, like relationships, family, career, business etc. Present happiness is little ones that you can plan and execute today for today. At the end of the day, you've invested a little effort banked away for the future, and you've also banked happiness in a separate account of happy memories collected from today.
Oh, and about your parents trying to get you to pay all their monthly expenses - children are an expensive hobby, not a retirement plan. They already have their retirement planning luckily with the monthly annuity, but even if they didn't, just having had a baby doesn't guarantee all their retirement expenses. No matter how much they try to guilt or shame you into it, that's the simple fact.
You're tired so it is okay to take some time/space to recharge your emotional batteries before you decide what to do.
Much love and peace to you!
@0m Mom was asking for help for a medicines bills of $150 / month. She asks for $50>
Grumbling like crazy because when she worked group insurance meant she only paid $5 regardless of cost.
So since I do trading: I agreed. But today ..she says it'll be good if I can give $150 for Oct-Dec ... But NOT to deduct it from the $300 she insists on putting my bank as her allowance (so it doesn't matter if i make money or not .. she must give me allowance or its extreme rudeness to not accept in her pov.)
She then goes on to add the expenses she is meant to spend for
~ Her friends kids wedding ($200)
~ upcoming festive period ($400)
~ new house curtains she had to postpone ($800)
~ Holidays ($400/head - $1500 nett) ....
by claiming:
- "It's a shame that i still have to spend on all these - am i punished because I am working?? While you are young and sitting at home?"
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Make no mistake I am not against supporting my folks. In fact I wanted to build an annuity of US$40000 for them which amounts a swell $5000 / month (in local currency). which is above any salary they got.
I tried it in 2016. with $1000-1500/ month. They insisted I put it in their bank account. Like a fool I made money for them from Nov 2015 - Sept 2016. You do the math. My dad had heart attack (still alive) ... and I tried to give mom $3000 - but even that she insisted i put in her bank.
By my calculation that is: $ 12000-15000 + $3000 = $18000 for the year.
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Along that year , before my dads heart issues ..... they tried to con me into running a convenience shop for them - "for their retirement" ... demanding they invest $20000 and that I sit & man in the shop from 6am - 10pm. Solo with my name as Biz owner!
Meaning I have to immediately give up my freelance work and successfully flowing (at that time) trading and tuition ... Oh: no wifi no nothing to be installed, they completely averse to e-anything ... and expect me to sit at the shop ... because they are paying me and my work can be seen 'doing something with my life'. - You mean to say I have not been. thus far???
All because they detest that i am freelance doing my own thing. Not "gainfully employed' as mom desired / expected.
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At the end of that year 2016 ... My folks can turn around and clain ... they had to spend so much for the year ... and that i contributed not a cent to them !!! $18000 is not a cent??? 😡
When i mentioned that : They went into "shock" and "When did you ever give us so much money???. you just gave $200-300 when dad was hospitalised. Since when you gave in $1000s?? Only in your dreams"
And attributed the $1000s to everything else from lotteries to late grandma's will to mom's briliant diligent savings etc ... and spend the week demanding and denying my account of giving them anything.
So I DECIDED I will not give them any money or allowance. I could have saved all that money for myself dammit! 😭
But in return they are happy to gaslight me to anybody as : "He's not working, we have to still support him, he cannot afford to give us anything. Our fate, while other children are getting thier folks colour TVS and gifts, we have nothing for all we have done to bring him up. ungrateful. Let alone unsolicited tell-offs & naysaying from society.
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So now I am torn. Should i still give her her Meds money ... or what else?? I am confused
@Applehorse
Oh no!! From everything you've described, you are already aware of what they're doing to you, your dreams, your aspirations and maybe even your self respect. It is really unfair.
Unfortunately, there are some people in our lives that we can never satisfy. No matter how much or how little you do, they will always find fault with you. So it is upto you how much longer you are willing to try and make them happy or comfortable. Or you can decide to try something new in life and go after your own goals for a change, see where that leads.
Much peace to you!
I am not at all trying to make them happy.
But there is that confusing guilt as a person and only son to now senior parents...
in addition to my own issues, being filial to parents as is meant of an offspring esp in their aging years.
Problem is they use that too and the idea that they are "retired": yet doing part time and making a net of $2000+ in addition to life time govt payout of the about same.
Mom has her life insurance to support her in crisis (She doesnt care to know, but I know how it works). She's adamant about "not touching her hard earned savings"
But dad has no health insurance whatsoever (& proud of it 🙄). unlike mom his govt payout is fixed and declines over years.
I definitely want to just keep to myself and my money for Myself until they need it. I don't need to keep my word to them do I? esp given their toxicity?
So in this combo of background I am in moral dilemma.
But thanks. by chatting this out I've realised that I don't need to give them more than I choose to
because they are not penniless and choose to Take on a part time job, get income from that and govt payouts. And all this was mom's planning.
Even now my any $$ given is taken I believe to be just a bonus and dismissed based on how much more she done for the family (of 3 of us) and it's the "least you can do as son".
Which meant that even if I had given them allowance she will have still dismissed it, used her provision as proof I am worthless and still use govt payouts anyway!
So screw it: I am still making money for my satisfaction and prove I can. But saving it for rainy days in case they truly need it. She don't deserve my profits! hope it's not a sin tho.
They even know work on actively denying or discouraging my choices and desires by "Why? Why now?" and suggest alternatives that work in their favour but takes me off my choice or direction.
So naturally my choice is cemented by rebellion and "My choice, your unsolicited opinion is not needed" mode.
So after setting my positive happiness, I've often to work thru that negative energy to get back to positive mood enroute to whatever choice or event I am heading to.
@Applehorse
I understand what you're going through and I agree with most of the sentiments you expressed.
While it is hard to overcome that constant push and guilt especially with your being the only son to aging parents, it is necessary to sensibly know where to draw the line so that enabling their lifestyle and their choices, should not come at the cost of you living your own life. As you have rightly pointed out, at present their "wants" are crushing your "needs". Important life decisions are reasonable and more sustainable when made rationally and not emotionally.
Much peace to you!
I can relate. I feel the same way. I hope the storm settles soon and you find your calm.
