Applehorse Member Profile

...See more My Life has been a series of failures for decades. I am tired, jaded and lost fool. I am 40 this year and completely ashamed of myself. I've failed to: ~ Achieve my life dreams in time (when all my peers are thriving well settled with career & family) ~ Thrive in my Self Employment: Business in fields of my passions. When i started I had my mojo and things were growing reasonably for a while. then lost my mojo and struggling to build it back up My Life Dream during my personal best times (3 years) ... were these: 1] Get a Scholarship: was a 90% student, athlete, deep intellectual research. singing, engineering passion etc 2] Begin my Business: Pooling all my talents and creative energy to empower lives. 3] Settle with my own Family All within usual age of 20-30s. Anything wrong with that?? esp when most peers do that? ------------------------- ~ On the day week of the major examinations ... I got nervous breakdown (despite being positive and excited) forgot all my points, understood nothing, forgot my English grammar ~ Instead of 90+% I ended up barely passing the examination with life-long record of it to boot. ~ Life after that was a downward spiral the more i tried to rise up till today. ~ While i hate working under others instructions, I did for 3-4 years apply for every job in all valid sectors upon my graduation from 26-30. few 1000s job - to start me off I got NONE of them. I did some part time gigs ..worked hard ... but got let go for not being a fit. While i worked hard ... I hated every moment of being employee. ~ My family (folks extended fam): Narc Toxic (folks) and family of enablers (since they are doing well). Massive family showdown happens at 30 ... because tired of getting nothing, i decided to start freelance towards my dreams. I became the useless black sheep and scapegoat. to this Day. ~ My freelance work began being a tutor, then added FX trading (which for a few years i was nailing 3-5% daily, but with limited capital from excess of other income.). in 2020 I tried to add building an E-business. ~ I lead a simple personal life on a budget < $500. I end up spending my less like $200-300 monthly only ... so its more than enough for other essential expenses. the rest of my income in savings. ~ Tutor income was limited by my being a solo tutor (offline). ~ My Fx capital was limited by profitablity + top ups from being a tutor. I kept both a levels I could afford. ~ except that the savings and everything .... while more than enough to support my survival is not enough to get my own place. ------------------------- And then in the pandemic period....Lots of things happened .... 1. I lost my FX mojo. most trading decisions are wrong, and does not help that when i progress, now i am allowed 10-20% per trade. So its pointless I top up capital .. unless I trade right! I hate myself so much because ppl who do this by now are usually multi-millionaires? How am I working? 2. Tutorships dwindled to nothing this year. with everything going online as well. I am tryign to transition into coaching courses ... but marketing has yielded no results. 3. E-Business: over 2 years .... hardly any sales with initial version and had to keep modifying business model and researching to make it work. At my wits end. ------------------------- My folks have retired but doing part time. Using that to gaslight and blame shift and the whole works. Interrupt my work etc...I work from home yes. They love to praise themselves and compare. I can only ignore so much. They have their monthly annuity source though. They expect me to sponsor the whole house expenses. Does not help that my own health is showing its signs from less than in 20s. I know I need to exercise and all. But doing so reminds me of my failures and I instantly lose motivation. Forcing myself ironically tenses me up ... which becomes dangerous to exercise then. Let alone hating myself for not haveing my fire in me Still getting my own place to live. As in my country ... its mighty expensive and i can only go for private property due to regulations. ------------------------- I am 40 and have lost my sense of purpose in life. I do not know what I am going forth towards. It feels I am just heading towards senility and grave. I feel I am past all the usual life establishment chekcpoints but am at Zero. I am afraid anyone reading this ... may conclude I am just giving excuses. I know I am not. I am fighting and fighting for decades to have my personal life, space and way - away from toxicity. Just keep face planting. Seeing others thriving simply adds on to my sense of failure. I am Lost, Jaded, Sad What should my next step be?

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