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Long rant warning
I really struggle falling into patterns of people pleasing close friendships. I wish i could just stop this cycle. It’s the worst knowing that the other person is not at fault at all that you have gotten into a people pleasing relationship, because at the end of the day it is my choice to constantly allow and show that i have no boundaries, that my needs are second to my friends.
Its worse because although i know i am at fault for this, i have a lot of suppressed anger at my friend now. She is the kind of person that is very blunt, knows what she wants, impulsive, and more or less the complete opposite of people pleasing type. Every time she is slightly pissed, i notice myself putting everything aside (especially if there are things i wanted to talk to her about, often boundaries, which is how it jusy continues and commutes to be set aside). It shouldn’t be up to me to regulate her emotions, that’s up to her, but it feels so hard not to, i’m scared to come across conflict at all cost and she is a very conflict prone person. The thing that pissed me off the most is when she once said that she can’t even imagine me angry, that its not something i would do. that was somewhat a wake up call, because how could she see that as a friend of mine for many years, when i know i get pissed and angry like most people in life and that’s fine - i’ll just never show it to her. or i did recently but when she called me out on it i just started laughing and saying i was a little bit pissed, instantly diffusing the situation because i started to make fun of myself.
Im sick of making myself feel like a doormat, but as soon as i put boundaries and come into conflict i back up, i am so scared that conflict will mean i will loose her and all my friends, even though it’s not true or if it was they would be bad friends over some conflict over boundaries…
Its also no good because the past friendship i was in similar to this i ended by ghosting her, now we are on good terms, but at that time i know it was an unfair way to end it. I don’t particularly want it to get to thay point with this friendship, although even now i can feel myself pulling away from it because i guess i’m angry all the time feeling like i can’t stop myself from allowing myself to be used. i remeber last time we were hanging out and i was making her feel better about some stuff and i felt so bad to say that i had to go home i stayed way past and pissed off my mum later and didn’t do any of the stuff i had planned to do. things like this just keep stacking up, and i just begin to resent the friendship.
it also feels like she doesn’t listen at all. i listen to her a lot, although now i have actually stopped going to the lengths, after realising all the energy was wasted because she really only wanted somewhere to spill all her thoughts to, not advice or actual thoughts about anything which is fair enough (people pleasing is one stupid thing goddamn, you don’t even need to do it, people aren’t pressuring you, you just i dont even know get sucked into it). And she always complains that i never tell her anything, it’s crazy because if only she saw every time i started a conversation the look on her face of actual boredom, she never asks any questions about the topics i start, nothing but one word answers or silence. i’m not the type to spill to people that aren’t interested in hearing it.
it’s just frustrating because i can see where i go wrong too, i don’t want to listen to her bull every day in day out either, i don’t need to pretend i care, if she has never set it up like she cares about every single of my conversations. and when she says stuff too blunt and i’m pissed at her i should be saying in that moment anything, to get across that i’m not just gonna take everything. my time IS valuable, and i am too, i just wish i could apply this to my relationships, because i do care about this friend, and it’s frustrating this stupid cycle has hurt the friendship.
she has also just told me she has a crush on me, so.. another layer i don’t know what to do with. i wonder why she likes me at all, because i give her what she wants? so i did politely say i want to stay friends, becayse if it’s this bad in a friendship, oh my god would it only be i don’t know how many times worse in a real relationship.
Hoping to figure out this stuff so relationships are easier on my heart lol
