Loneliness
I’m an anxious happily married 43 year old woman who can’t keep close regular friendships. It’s got worse recently now that I work from home. So lonely. I either don’t like my friends or they don’t like me. Sometimes (often) I can’t tell which is the bigger obstacle. It’s funny because I know the problem must be me, but I can’t help thinking it’s just because everyone else is a brainless cornball. 😩😅🥺🤷🏻♀️ Can anyone else relate?
But really, the point of that post was to express that not being able to sleep and feeling lonely, confused and disappointed by life is super painful.
I too have been working from home and it's been so different and difficult at the same time. I can relate to some extent what you are saying. As humans we are social creatures and usually to stay in isolation and be lonely is not natural. However, the lockdowns have forced us to behave this way. Hence, loneliness and anxiety even when we do have friends is inevitable. We can only be patient and look to the future, that this will all eventually end and we'll have some normality back in our lives. At the same time if we make an effort to be there for our friends, I'm sure this would be appreciated and it would bring friends closer together.
Hi inspiredcup, I love your advice. I will certainly take you up on your suggestion. I can think of 2 or 3 or 4 women I could connect with. Thanks for your uplifting reply 🥰💜🌳
Hi Haesel, I'm glad it was helpful .. take care of yourself 👌🏻👌🏻😊😊
I can relate. I have borderline personality disorder. The way that I act out is why my friends don’t want to be around me. BPD can suck at times. Especially when it comes to friendships.
Hi Blaztek. Yeah, I keep considering BPD and whether or not I have it. Could describe a bit what it feels like? Thanks 🙏🏼
For me, I’m have too many with thoughts about lost relationships. Thinking what I could have done differently to avoid the abandonment. I have extreme mood swings. I can be happy and one small trigger and I’m angry and defensive. I’m always defensive because I’m majorly paranoid about people trying to take advantage of me and/or see me fail. Finally, many times my thoughts shift to arguments that haven’t happened yet and sometimes I create arguments based on those thoughts. I don’t create the arguments on purpose. Rather some trigger sparks the memory of the imagined argument. And so it begins... My case is unique to me. If you’re BPD, you may be extremely different. There are 9 criteria and you only need 5 to get diagnosed for BPD. 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 2. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. 3. Lack of clear sense of identity. 4. Impulsiveness in potentially self-damaging behaviors, such as substance abuse, sex, shoplifting, reckless driving, binge eating. 5. Recurrent suicidal threats or gestures, or self-mutilating behaviors. 6. Severe mood shifts and extreme reactivity to situational stresses. 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. 8. Frequent and inappropriate displays of anger. 9. Transient, stress-related feelings of unreality or paranoia. I have 8 out of the 9. Remember, less than 5 means no BPD. These traits and rules are taken from the DSM-IV-TR. From what I gather, it’s a Really Important Book with the mental health professionals.
Thanks so much for writing this all out for me. I have ADHD, and I see many similarities between the two. There seem to be similarities between so many of the diagnoses. I used to wonder about bi-polar, too. But having read the DSM description, I see that I don’t really qualify for BPD or bi-polar. Thanks again blaztek :)
I definitely relate to most everything you say. Except Mary the last part about others being brainless cornballs. I always seem to end up having high expectations of my friends. Maybe that’s what causes you problems too?
Hi navyWillow, it’s great to see your reply and to know you can somewhat relate! You’re right, I have too high expectations of my friends too. For you, do you know what your high expectations are to do with? I feel like my expectations have to do with me judging my friends’ ways of thinking and the way they discern and evaluate people and things in general. I feel like they don’t take enough context into account when they judge people and it makes me feel vulnerable like they might judge me unfairly too. That they may not appreciate me or all the often harshly judged things that I value. Thanks for inspiring all of this helpful introspection 😊
I think you nailed it @haesel For me it’s definitely the same. I also feel my friends judge too easily and to quickly wrote context or within enough empathy and understanding But I never considered that I judge them because I worry about my own vulnerability My own worry that I too can be judged by them, or others, if I don’t play along or act “properly” Thank you. That enlightened me
Hey there. Can totally relate. Lost a lot of friends during the pandemic. Mostly because I had all this free time to evaluate the quality of my relationships and it seemed like most of them did not have that depth or worthiness that made me feel secure and loved. I
Hi shimmerfruit, Thanks for your reply! Do you have a plan for how to get engaged socially now that you’ve let go of those friendships? Or do you not feel the need? Are you feeling good about your choice? Myself, I’m trying to diversify. I tend to feel too vulnerable and/or irritated with people if I have too few social connections. I seem to do well with a range of people. At least these days. I like the idea of one friend to really invest in, but when I had it, it felt too painful/vulnerable/raw/confusing/frustrating to have so many social eggs in one inevitably inadequate basket.
@haesel
I can totally relate. I feel like its harder and harder to connect to other humans, in a non romantic aspect. I am an intervert and socially awkward yet, still crave to have meaninful friendships with like minded individuals. Sometimes it takes awhile to find a fit, like in most aspects. Hopefully you find the group or individual who you can call friend and it curves the loney feeling.
Thanks for your message cassthoughts! I’m back to seeking a group of friends rather than one special individual friend as a goal. (Since you mentioned the two options) The periods of my adult life where I invested in one relationship in particular, I noticed I either felt bored or too vulnerable. I fantasize a lot about it though. It would be so nice to find a friend who felt like a childhood best friend. Ah dreams. You’ve made me ask myself again if it would be possible to find such a match.
I am 45 years old married with grown up kids. I was born in France and came to the US 23 years ago. I love animals and so I have moved to the countryside of Florida. My house is my heaven and he'll at the same time. I do not have people who think like me around me for years. I feel disconnected with the locals. Used to live in Paris and where we live is pretty but there aren't many things to do The locals that I have met are very closed minded and we do not share the same opinion on pretty much everything. I hang out with the neighbors but I spend most of the time pretending to be ok. I am bored so I work non stop cleaning gardening taking care my family and my animals . Have a lot of them! I volunteer I like helping but I still don't connect with anyone. I miss France and my family. Covid stopped us from seeing each others. My family is in the us but my heart is in Paris.
Lavande, it’s interesting to me that you’re French. I’m a French tutor (even though I’m anglophone), and I’m very interested in French culture. I was just talking to a friend this evening about the straight-forwardness of the French about certain topics and experiences. Anyway, I can imagine how homesick you must feel sometimes. I wonder if there’s any way you could connect with some of your compatriots in Florida. I wonder if there is a fun ‘French immigrants in the USA’ Facebook group you could be part of. I bet you could all share some good funny stories and opinions. Anyway, I’m happy that you found my little post and commented on it. Feel free to say again any time. It will be nice to hear from you again.