Life choices, lost future.
I have never written my thoughts anywhere before but I know that something within me is breaking and I do not know how to proceed. To explain i am a man in my 40s. In my life, i made choices to work hard, establish a career, and make money so that one day i could make a home and a family. While i did very well in my work and my career, my love life is like something out of a book of curses. I know I am not the most attractive man and have weight, but I thought (and was always told) that none of that matters and your personality is all that counts. I heard this in my 20s while I was getting established, in my 30s while I gained my stability, and even now in my 40s with all the resources. Now that I sit here looking back at my life, I see all my friends and family who have much less and are much happier. I know now that I choose a path that has left me without the chance of a future of family and kids. It bothers me so much and being a man of intelligence, I planned out how my life will end. While I am smart enough to know that it is not the way, holding back all the regrets and pain gets harder each day. I am lost within myself and stuck in a place of darkness. I am losing my motivation to work, for social interaction, and just life as a whole. As a man of logic, I am trying REALLY hard to find and understand the problem and find a solution. I just fear that the solution I come up with will be a literal dead end.
Do I still have a future?
@InexorablyFated
work on your fitness, then with your position in life finding a partner won't be hard
@determinedShip1191
I agree my fitness is always been an issue, but if my looks are an issue, then I've wasted a lot of time as people always judge by looks. As for my "position", I am quite stable there, and sure, love can be bought (and someone even suggested it), but then what is the point of trying to find love and a real relationship?
It's a midlife crisis
You will hear suggestions but only you know what you need to change in your life
I would say what needs work is the way you are with women. Sure, looking fitter would help but its more about attitude
Maybe you need a complete life overhaul? You have money, you have options
How do I do a "complete overhaul"?
@InexorablyFated
Buy a yacht and sail around the world?
I don't know what your life is like but I doubt you will find a magical love by continuing to do the same exact things. Or it would already have happened, right? You had your priorities and now you are re-assessing them. It's super painful to realise that you missed out on something but the reality is you still can have a wife and children at your age. If you are financially secure that is often important to a woman. Let's say you met someone who was 38 and she wanted to have kids. It's not like in your 20s when you take a long time to consider everything. At this age, if you are in agreement then it can happen quickly
I get the feeling it won't happen if you carry on your life as it is because you're hoping for the "addition" of love and that's not how it works. You need to meet it halfway, and open the pathways for it to enter your life because, from your story, it sounds like there never really was room for it before. So you need to make room and that means changing or removing some of what is currently there
Man of intelligence, man of logic - how about a man of action?
thank you for sharing this. I’m in the same boat but I’m in my 20s. Looking to build my career and be stable then later focus on rships. The perspective you’ve shared is really enlightening so again thank you.
I think you 100% still have a future with a likeminded person, the problem is finding them as I’m getting that you are a bit of an outlier.
I have my fingers crossed for you and if you don’t mind my asking, do you regret the path you have taken? Would you recommend that one not take that path?
@mytwistedmind
I can only say it like this. I do not "regret" my choices, but I feel that maybe I was not the best partner maybe due in part I never truly understood what any of them needed. I do know that when I look back on my life and think about the relationships I have had in the past, I would have done the following different:
- Be more forgiving - I know my first relationship she cheated, and it hurt, but I never knew how much she hurt for what she did to me until later in life. (perhaps my only regret).
- Be more understanding - I was probably not the best at taking her needs first. Maybe my goals clouded the truly good things I had in my life.
- Be more open - I was emotionally closed off for most of my life. Maybe it made me seem cold and unfeeling.
I do know that if I could, I would trade my position in life for the families most people have today.
@InexorablyFated
You've shared here wise words indeed gained from much painful experience. You have had relationships; they just didn't lead to the future you talk of. Yes, you have learnt from the past and from what you've shared here, you now realize people aren't perfect. They make mistakes; even bad ones at times. Thing is, there is no such thing as a perfect family or perfect relationship. Every single individual, you and me included, is flawed to some extent. We are all imperfect with our share of strengths and weaknesses. It is upto us as imperfect beings, to build that perfect relationship with another imperfect being on terms that are mutually acceptable to both. While love is an emotion which we can feel without needing reason or logic, a relationship is a conscious decision taken between people who choose to be together. Relationships come with expectations on both sides.
From you current achievements in the goals you had set yourself for, it is clear that you are able to remain focused and successfully accomplish what you set out to do. Maybe now that you have achieved most of everything you set out for, you find yourself at the crossroad looking at other things that got left behind in the journey so far. The journey is yours, the next phase of goals will also be yours. It appears you would like to focus on building a family. As other members of the community have mentioned, at your stage of life, you are better equipped to make that decision today since you already have the stability and financial security to start a family.
@InexorablyFated
Sorry I broke up my response in 2 posts so that I could answer the two aspects separately without mixing them up.
In this one, I'll try to focus on your struggle to find and solve the "problem", the one that's currently holding you prisoner in a dark place. The regrets and pain that impact your ability to enjoy your achievements or find happiness in your success. The feeling of being bothered and missing out, which hampers your social interaction and even work.
It sounds like you're blaming yourself for being in this situation and punishing yourself for it. Although I am one of the people who believes love doesn't need a particular body type, I understand and respect your desire to feel physically attractive to potential partners. You have worked so hard at getting where you are, why do you feel you won't be able to put in the same effort and dedication towards a personal fitness goal (if that's what will make you feel better)? Why would any solution necessarily be a dead end, ignoring the fact that you have already demonstrated immense resilience, determination, focus, perseverance and hard work towards achieving your goals?
@0m
You ask good questions. It is said in life that true love comes once in a lifetime. What if it has already passed me by? Presuming it hasn't, with all the logic I have and my "accomplishments", love cannot be earned, taken, or forced. It can be only given and with everything I have tried, nothing ever seems to have stuck. In my 20s, I never understood what I had. Now in my 40s, I figure I will never have what I had.
@InexorablyFated
Why did it never stick?
@0m - I asked myself that question for almost two decades. My first relationship when I was 22 ended with her running off to California and killing our dog on the way out. Further relationships were even worse in how things ended. I blamed myself for a long time, but then I at least came to the conclusion that perhaps the "type" of woman I seem to attract is the problem. I wish I had a more definitive answer so I could have a solid path forward. I feel like a semi stuck in the mud trying to move but only to end up in more mud. I likely waited too long to ask for help.
@InexorablyFated
It does seem strange that they all ended so badly. I'm not sure I understand the "type" of woman thing because every person is unique in their expression of love and expectations from relationships.
What is your understanding of love and what do you expect from the relationship? Perhaps if we knew what you're looking for, we might begin to understand why it didn't happen in all the chances you've had at relationships so far.
@0m - my understanding of love now is much different than it was 20 years ago. I moved three times for love and traveled half the east coast of the US for what I thought were people who loved me. I always believed that if you love someone you do whatever it takes and everything else is easy in life if you have someone that loves you unconditionally.
I know with the first relationship, I tried to be whatever she wanted. I guess in the end, I wasn't what she wanted. As time has passed and I sit here now, I truly have no hope in love / true love anymore. Most people around my age have / had their families, have their legacies, or do not want such things. I know I need to be positive, but the world takes the time to remind me how being a man in their 40s with no kids is a "red flag" - either because I am non-committal or not a good partner.
There are three particular relationships I truly regret losing because even though they cheated, perhaps I could have still made it work and had a family. Now, I look in the mirror, and beyond what I physically, in my eyes, I see an emotionless, soulless being that is trying to find reasons to exist each day
Yes, you still have a future, if you want it. You are, today, the youngest you will ever be. Today is a good day to start making changes, as is tomorrow. I've done it, restarting my life and freefalling for what seemed an eternity. Don't fall into the idea that everyone has a better life than you, I assure you that some envy your life and choices made, just like you are doing with others now. Small steps in the direction you wish to go.
@InexorablyFated its great that you're reflecting, learning and using your experiences to help others.
You definitely definitely have a future. I know a lot of guys in the 40s who have started new and wonderful relationships. As people get older (men and women), their priorities for what they look for in a partner evolves - character, humour, stability, values become much more important. And it sounds like you have a lot to offer in those departments.
And it may not feel like it, but having a family is also possible. I know a couple in their 40s who recently used IVF and now have happy and healthy baby!
The other thing that happens when you're older is that relationships move fast. You know yourself better so its the norm to move very quickly into a committed relationship and try for a family within 12 months of meeting - if it clicks.
But to get what you want requires you to take steps. Continuing what you are doing today will not get you what you want tomorrow. Some examples, that do not take into account your personal situation, below:
- Get fit and healthy. It may or may not be important to a potential partner, but it will help you build confidence. Confidence (without becoming arrogant) is the key to being attractive to others.
- Change where you spend your time. This could mean travelling, taking up new hobbies, moving where you live, changing jobs etc. Exploring a new location opens up a whole new world of people to meet. Going to the same job, meetups, gym, family visits etc every month will not lead to you meeting a new potential partner.
And happy to chat in more detail 1-1 if you would like.
@Chocpastry9516
I appreciate this and reading examples like the ones you have mentioned gives me a little light in an otherwise dim tunnel. I've never been good in public settings but I will try to get out more. You are right about today is the youngest I will ever be, but to many young people, I am far beyond those times. Forgive the partial rambling. My mind is trying to derive a logical answer to an emotional problem.
@InexorablyFated. I met my partner when I was 40 and he was 50 years old. I know other people who got together when they were older.
@InexorablyFated
Not sure why your latest post doesn't have a reply link so I'll just post a reply onto the main text, if that's alright.
You are absolutely correct, as we evolve over the years, our understanding of love changes.
I am sorry to hear that you made so many sacrifices, moved multiple times and gave your idea of love your all and yet they failed you. I can only imagine the pain your words have been written with.
Somehow, you repeatedly mention love, true love, family all in the same context. Do they mean the same to you? Is that your ideal world?
For the most part, love, happiness, relationships - all different words because they are not all necessarily entwined. One could be extremely unhappy in a relationship with someone they love; at the same time, someone could be content and happy in a relationship that they could never hope to find love. and that is okay. they are both okay. Thing is, most families, couples and relationships are far from perfect. It's about having someone willing to give everything and everyone else up, to put their all in with your lot. Sink or drown together kind of thing, you know?
From your words and intensity of expression, it is clear you aren't emotionless nor soulless.
If you feel so strongly about children that you feel soulless without them in your life and future, how do you feel about adoption? We live in a broken world filled with so much need and pain. We can't fix the whole world, but some might just be lucky enough to heal a broken piece or two.
@0m
I know I am not emotionless or soulless on the inside. However, each time someone hurts you with the promise of love and a future, it never gets any easier. The hurt piles on and all that runs through my mind each day is how much I never had. It is REALLY tough to still see memories in my head of being with someone who says they love you, saying they want to have kids with you, and then (in this case) leaves you for their own cousin. I now spend more time keeping back those thoughts and emotions rather than moving forward.
As for love, family, and children, I know with true love, the other two can come. Even two people who have been together for a long time and are "miserable" came together for some reason. You really do have to love someone in order to decide to spend your life with them. Even if they are miserable now, there is a root of love that exists which is why they came together. I know a lot of couples separate because of money issues so I figured if I got that out of the way, then whoever I would be with can focus on each other.
As for adoption, that is not viable for just a single man. There is a lot I would never be able to give them and without and I cannot teach what love means on my own. That takes watching two people as they live their lives to gain that inherent understanding. Since I was 19, I always believed if you are given true love, you can get everything else in life. Now being older and watching as the future is just a distant dream, I am pretty much just broken in some way and have very little hope.
@InexorablyFated
So many thoughts about what you've just shared.
With such clear memories and raw pain from your past, it seems like you have had no closure or healing from those experiences.
Also, from what you've said about love, families, relationships and raising children in a home of love, it sounds like you have always had some very set ideas of how things ought to be in an ideal world. So when that hasn't worked out in exactly that way, no other path seems like a viable option.
I hear you and understand why everything feels broken because this family aspect of what should have been a completed path, hasn't happened yet. Probably anything that does come along will need to compete with the despair of losing out of the 20 years, so it'll never measure up to what it should have been. Those past regrets are firmly in the way.
If you'd like to talk about closure or healing, feel free to message me or I am happy to continue the conversation here as well.
Much peace to you <3
@0m - I definitely appreciate you. With the right person and much love, the past can become distant memories. As long as the present is what it is, the past are the only memories I have. I know in the beginning I never had set ideals, I was open to anyone who would do something as simple as love me for me. Maybe I asked for too much?
@InexorablyFated
Every partner and relationship has importance in our lives. They come with their good and bad memories and experiences. We grow through them into the people we have become today. If we now know what we want (or do not want) in a relationship, it is partly due to those experiences.
"Loving me for me". Love doesn't need logic or reason. It's when love tries to become a relationship, that expectations step in, on both sides of the connection.
I'm intrigued to know what you mean by "True Love"? Do you believe a true love would want a forever relationship with zero expectations?
@0m
All relationships have tasks and requirements needed to maintain them (i.e., communication). True love is the purest form of love. It is love without knowing it is love. You breathe. You do not think about every breath you take, it just happens. True love is the same thing. It is when two people love each other so much, it is a natural part of them. That does not mean everything is perfect, but it does mean that no matter what happens, they never ever have to question their love for another. Neither party ever worries the other one will "fall out of love" or ever doubt the love they have for the other. THIS IS MY ENVY.
I know it is something that sounds like a fairytale or a disney movie, but when I was growing up, the friends my parents had, it was common for them to be married 30, 40, 50, even 60 years. It is the only thing I ever desired since I was 16. i know it is more legend than reality and I know as I have gotten older, it is so far of an ideal, the chance of it happening is next to impossible (nothing is impossible). If my life is just work day in and day out, like living like a machine, then I am already dead inside.
@InexorablyFated I understand your situation somewhat as I faced this as well. Looks have some effect, but likely you are more attractive than you think. You talk of fate and losing some “once in a lifetime chance”, but perhaps “fate” may be a superstitious construct. Do you wish to believe you’re limited by fate? You envy others because they have children and spouses, but it is impossible to know their level of happiness or their level of distress because of these relationships. Do you have “a future?” Yes, absolutely. And it is perfectly ok to want what you want. Go after the life you want, but don’t suffer now because you are not where you want to be. Reflect on what happens when humans get what they want. It gives us pleasure for a limited time, then it changes. And relationships themselves are a changing and unpredictable things. You can find a great deal of happiness in gratitude for what you have and learning how to love yourself. If you are attuned to your self and know how to be happy, you become a much more attractive potential partner. But right now you seem to be asking for someone to calculate your chance of success. You seem to be successful and intelligent so you have a lot going for you already. Just consider that your mind will be demotivated and constrained if you start with the proposition, “when I have x,y and z, I will be happy.” Instead consider happiness as a primary goal, and in addition, “it might be nice (but not necessary) to have x,y and z.” “How should I be happy?” One way is to realize you have the power to suffer less. Learn to live in the moment. It is a practice, not a cliche. Learn to be grateful. Again, a practice. Learn to not cling to x,y and z - you can’t buy x,y and z, and you can’t wish them into existence. You can revere those desires as something important and dear to your heart. I would say they are noble desires. But letting yourself suffer because you don’t have those things right now is not necessary. You may have heard that a relationship will come to people when they are not looking for one. I say, go ahead and actively look for one, but don’t “need” it to be happy. If you “need” it you only scare away potential mates because they will sense your suffering, but they don’t want your suffering, they want the gift of your happiness. You have to gift that happiness to yourself. When you have that in abundance, you can gift it to others. It sounds hokey and cliché but I found it to be true.
@helpfulAvocado7912 - what you say does make sense. Even from a logical perspective, you are saying change the variables. I guess what holds me back is the unknown of trying to obtain something not controlled by me. Work, career, and the like are all things within my control and obtainable. What finally got to me is watching TV shows like Maury and watching these people who love other people who have cheated and do not even want their own kids. Maybe changing who I am in the only path. It seems like being a good guy is something people desire only after they fall in love with them. Love / Fate / Destiny - seem like just dice rolls in the grand scheme of life. Hmm...
@InexorablyFated please reach out to something like a crisis chat line if need be. Sometimes what we need at moments like these is for someone to hear how we are feeling, not “solutions.” You already said you are smart enough to know that an irreversible decision is not the answer. Texting or talking with a crisis counselor has really been a great resource to get me to a place where I could figure out next steps. Just know, there are a lot of people here that are here for you. My apologies to jumping straight to the advice response.
@helpfulAvocado7912 - No need to apologize. Being intelligent and heavily a planner, any decision I make, is very well laid out with a lot of preparation. Begin intelligent is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing for all the knowledge it gives. It is a curse because and final decision I make is already well-justified and rational, even if it might not seem like it. The reason for coming here is to have people listen and respond so that I can have as many answers as possible to make sure I travel the path I need to be on. I know other people go through much more serious problems than being some old guy who lacks a family, and rationally, I do understand my lower importance to them. I appreciate the time everyone here as put on this discussion because it means people care, even for someone they do not know.