Feeling defeated
I'm a woman in my late 40s never married, no kids, not even a career I'm proud of. I have been in long term relationships but they were never the one. People perceive me as being strong and capable. I am. I've had to be. I'm the only one in the family that gets things done. Any unsecurities and vulnerabilities I've had to manage myself. I constantly have to give. These constant lockdowns have taken it's toll. I feel stupid for admitting it as i have alot to be grateful for. I can work from home, i still have a steady income. My anxiety became acute. A great sense of lost opportunities in life and that I'm running out of time. I'm in a long distance relationship (complicated) and the connection has been amazing. But lately it's taken a turn. I've become more insecure, reacting and interpreting things that may or may not be there, exhibiting my anxieties and projecting my insecurities to my partner. It's caused a distance. I've been down this journey before and it has cost me relationships. I'm scared. I've become so insecure that I'm clingy and doubting myself. I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self. I feel i haven't got any area of my life right. Everything i attempt it feels like I'm doing it slowly and torturingly the hard way. It's like, I'm carting a trailer full of responsibilities and self doubt along a rocky path up the hill on my own. I admitted to my partner that for the furst time in our relationship i feel like I'm standing alone. He asked me what i suggest and i couldn't tell him. I feel like how i am feeling is wrong and ugly, that by sharing it with him I've cause irreparable damage to our relationship. I'm confused and counter arguing within myself about my insecurities and this relationship. What i want is quite simple really - to be loved unconditionally in my craziest and weakest, darkest moments. To be accepted for who i am, for someone to love me enough. Yet it appears its too much to ask. So now i have given up. I'm defeated. I don't even go out of the house anymore and dont feel compelled to socialise. I've spent a good 10 years trying to be self sustained. Yet i continue to feel the acuteness of loneliness, the feeling that I'm on my own. Unloveable, old, unwanted, past expiry date. Heavy sigh 😔 This is the first time I'm able to express this. Does anyone feel the same?
I feel exactly the same actually. I’m a single woman 42 no kids not married and starting a new job after leaving my last job last month. I feel anxious all the time and frozen. And I can totally relate to what you’re saying. I haven’t left my house in the last couple days and feel defeated too. This covid situation doesn’t help either.
@MySty2 I understand how you feel. I just feel stuck, going around in circles with my self damaging thoughts. Sometimes i just feel tired being me. I just wanna check out of myself and be something/someone else instead. Even for a few minutes.
Hi sty, I feel exactly the same and I’m totally messing up a potentially good relationship because of my cPTSD and insecurities. I’m pretty sure he hates me at this point. I’m not sure where to go from here and that I’ll regret what’s happened with him this year for the rest of my life. But, I know I will eventually feel better about myself and maybe the reason it doesn’t work with them is because we need to find someone with enormous patience and understanding (plus a ton of reassurance), if such a person exists….
Hi everyone. I’m so sorry for how everyone’s feeling but I’m in the same situation and it’s so good to hear that I’m not alone.
I’m 46, divorced with no kids, and never developed a career based on what I studied in college. I get so mad at myself for not pushing myself harder to figure out what makes me tick. I’m usually very anxious which at least keeps me moving but I’ve been very depressed and listless for the last couple of months. Nothing inspires me and I feel lonely and blah.
I’m hoping to find people to connect with here so we can hopefully inspire each other.
@MySty2 Hi there. Newbie here and wanted to add my support to you as a woman also in her forties and with no real positive outlook ahead and no relationship to speak of. I too feel so bogged down by responsibilities and anxiety towards the upkeep of having to smile and be the strong one everyday. Plus the constant self talk that both says "you can do more" and "you're not doing enough" gets too loud and inescapable. With no support system some days it accumulates and i feel like an open wound held together by invisible tape.
I'm not sure if im relaying my message correctly... but i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and your feelings are valid. Maybe its the age we are in that makes us look inward on our failings or maybe some days are just too much. And maybe its ok to give yourself permission to not be the version of yourself the world expects you to be for a short while so you can regroup and refresh. You are worthy to be loved and held at your darkest moments and there is nothing wrong with wanting that. Unconditionally at any age at any life circumstance.
I'm married with kids and I can still relate. I feel lole I've gotten so much wrong and I need a fix. I feel like giving up and starting new. New job, new city whatever it takes to find my happy. I want my marriage although we are in a rough spot. And my kids will go wherever i go but I feel no one understands or care. I need change i want to wake up happy and excited about my life and what the day may bring.
I’m new here too. I am so comforted knowing that I’m not the only person that feels like this. I’m 39, staring down the barrel of 40 with no kids, long distance relationship that has carried on for 10 years and my sense of self confidence and drive for the future has slowly eroded away over the years as well. I find myself lost in anxiety and rejection and deep loneliness.
Anyways, thank you for your post. I can’t believe the similarities in your situation and the way you feel. I could have written that word for word. It’s so frustrating knowing that deep connected relationships is fundamental to having a healthy happy life, but, I can’t seem to get it right and feel like it’s ruined my life. I used to have drive and passion to achieve personal success and that person died years ago and I let it all go because of the pain of rejection and loneliness that I feel like I just kept manifesting in my work. I couldn’t focus or relate to anyone anymore and it became a self fulfilling prophecy because I couldn’t perform up to standard. Those failures became too much for me and I crumbled. It’s been a rough few years.
