Cross-cultural life
I will be 35 in less than a year and am realizing that there are so many things creating problems that I need to process and needed a space to do it. It is helpful when I have a group of people that can provide insight and that is what this is all about. I intend to speak about:
grief - My Mom passed recently and I cannot imagine a future without her
suicide - my constant battle with keeping those thoughts and actions at bay, it is more complex than people realize. People do not choose to die this way, they feel forced or obligated.
having my voice being allowd/heard - many women struggle with this but I think a lot of women of a certain culture (like mine) have a more difficult time with this as it is so normalized, you do not even realize you are a victim of your voice not being heard but rather you are put on a pedestal for being a good daughter/wife who always does what people ask of her.
Cultural identity - Being born and raised Canadian, I have been excluded from the cultural group my parents came from. They say you are too Canadian. Even the people born here of the same background say I am too Canadian and do not belong. However, the Canadians see me as too cultured.
I hope this works out. :) I hope I do not get lost in the pile.
@SweetPearCrumble Thank you for sharing and posting what is going on for you right now.
I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you were really close.
I hope you dont mind me asking but when you say ...... People do not choose to die this way, they feel forced or obligated..... are you actually talking about yourself?
You say that you struggle being heard, what it is you would like people to hear from you?
I hope you do not get lost in the pile as well.
take care
paul
@calmPaul281
Thanks Calm Paul, I never actually thought anyone would read any of my posts. I am surprised you found it and I thank you for reading and responding, I deeply appreciate it.
Yes, I was refering to myself when I said people feel forced and don't have a choice.
In terms of being heard. It's more like acknowleging that my pain is valid. My experiences are real. For example, last year when I had an attempt and emergency services came to help, the person I was with was freaking out, and saying how could you do this to them, and I scard them and I should stop being so selfish and who will take care of their personal business for them, how will they explain things to others, what will people think, etc. It was really about them. They were freaking out. I had to push my feelings aside and tell them, they will be okay, this was all a mistake, I did not mean it, this is a huge confusion and comfort them. Tell them this will never happen again. That's dumb, I have said numerous times to them prior, I need help, I do not feel well, and was just ignored it, I knew where this would lead. I tried everything I knew, all the skills I learned, and then I reached out to several people including my psychiatrist, no help. So, it happened. And even in that moment of distress, I could not get the help I needed, I had to take care of their emotions and wait to help myself another time. It sucks to always have to be everyone's rock, when I need someone to lean on. The thing is, I had to even lie to the hospital staff and say I was okay, there was no way I was going to be kept on the mental health ward for more than a day, they ignore you, lock you up in a room and isolate you, no clock or none of your belongings (including my cellphone) when all I need is to have someone believe in my capabilities when I can't and to say everything will be okay. A bit of acknowlegement and compassion can literally save lives. That is a lot of people not hearing when I speak. That is one example.
I get alot of "that's not real" when I tell people about being stalked or that I witnessed a few deaths, or my fiancee died. I also get called "too emotional" if I every cry. Or get angry because they are laughing at the fact I say I am worried about something, often followed with "you cannot handle life, grow up". A lot of if you made the right choices in life, your life would be better, you are to be blamed for having mental health, or choising a career that has a tougher market (how would I have known? and I followed my passion. It is a respectable industry, quite admirable). Just being shut down. That my voice is always wrong, and should not be heard.
I really am not sure what I want people to hear. I just do not want to be shut down for having emotions, for the endless work I do just to stay alive, which makes no sense to be alive to be tortured. Things are not working out, I have no kids, and no one that loves me/cares.
@SweetPearCrumble You are more than welcome. Sorry I didnt reply yesterday.
I'm sorry that last year when you needed help the most, that it wasn't there for you, to support and validate those feelings that you were having at the time. I can't imagine how difficut that was for you. But you should be proud of yourself that even when you were so low you took the time and trouble to be mindful of them and as you say putting your feelings on hold whilst you look after the feelings of those others.
How does it feel when people say those things like grow up or not believing you? Sounds like that might be quite hurtful, or am I wrong?
I am sorry to hear that following your passion hasn't worked out for you, do you want to tell me more about that?
It sounds like you are working hard to keep going, and certainly do not deserve to be shut down.
When you said that you feel forced and don't have a choice, how do you cope with those feelings?
take care
paul
I cried a lot today due to grief of loosing my Mom. I just cannot seem to imagine a life without her. I got a new job and that was a terrible experience because I had no one to share it with. No one was excited and many people becasue they were unemployed they somehow did not have the capasity to be happy for me. Others said to speak about any win in your life is bragging so said do not post on LinkedIn. I felt there was no way to celebrate a win. The only two people actually happy for me were my first boss and my boss from my job that I just left. My good friend from university was happy too. I did feel a bit more releaved that I can share it with someone. It was more like a "good job"! than a lets chat about all the details and every cool thing that happens in the next several months, only a mother would do that. It was a void. It was a pain and a void. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I think her birthday was hard (ended up in an attempt a week ago), and then getting this new job, several months ago were both tough. It's events when it hits me the most. I cannot imagine getting married, having kids or moving to another home without having her by my side to just be excited with.
I was on a leave from my old job, so it felt a lot like unemployment, so with the new job I started to work. I still do not think that I work at a new workplace, and it has been almost 3 months, as I work from home, so my location did not change and I have never met anyone in person that I work with, meeting people over the internet does not register as real people in my mind. I do not have ID for the place as they are not printing it until covid is over. I have a laptop and am doing the same type of projects as my old workplace but in a different capasity. I am having a hard time transitioning from the role of a worker to management (an overseer) because, there is nothing to signify the change.
@SweetPearCrumble
I'm happy for you that you have a new job! Not only a new job, but a step up in your career. Congratulations! 🎉 I can totally see how with working from home it feels like a bit of a non-event. How about creating a little celebration for yourself? Buy a little cake, play some loud music, dance around the room. Ignore people who think you are silly. You deserve it. Or could you organise an online work social to celebrate your new job and get to know your new colleagues? We had a zoom party to play Amoung Us, after work one day. It's supposed to be a children's game, I think, but we had a laugh.
​​​​I was taught that no one wants to know about my feelings as a child and it us taking a long time to reteach myself that my feelings and needs are valid and to politely and firmly hold my ground when people dismiss me or them, so I know exactly how hard this is. I very helpful person got me to see that I got upset when someone crossed a boundary. I wasn't even aware that I had these boundaries. And yet they were stressing me out. It really helped me to start identifying them and then you can look at ways to enforce them. Maybe you need 5minutes you-time every day? Or maybe you need the people around you to once a week verbalise something you have done that they are grateful for. Or whatever. It is a long difficult path getting people to see that you deserve care and attention and your needs being met too. Because you do deserve it. Best wishes.
@Clio9876
thanks Clio! I should do something to celebrate! Over the past few months, I started to be open about where I work to people (e.g. friends, relatives and hospital staff), even though I feared coming off as boastful, surprisingly they seemed impressed and said congrats that is a wonderful place to work! That did make it a bit more real. I still feel undeserving of the job. It seems like a fluke.
That is awful to hear that your thoughts and feelings were not accepted as a child and now you have to work at setting boundaies. I know I must be in the same place. I feel like I am ofzfending people or hurting their feelings if I tell them.no. I usually have to get people to say no on my behalf. Maybe that is why I get a long so well with manager type personalities. They have no problems telling people no and will do it on my behalf but it is a skill to.learn.
I’m sorry for your loss. You seem to be handling a few issues. That takes strength and courage, so you’re off to a good start. What do you think is the biggest concern you need to process first?
@Tweetybird15
stable work. My worries about doing things wrong and offending people (caused my unclear or missunderstanding via e-mail) have made it a huge challenge to do my work. I do not know the processes and proceedures.
I went to the hospital and just came out today. They said Dialectic Behavorial Therapy will help me. That will take time and work is resuming in a week.
My nerves are on edge. I feel like tissue paper. In a very fragile state. My views have not changed, I have no additional reasons to live, I will go back to work, no routine set up and there are no drugs to help me. I am uncertian if I will flounder and fail again. I tried everything I could but ended up in the hospital. Nothing has changed how will I suceed? I have so much to change in terms of behaviors or views, like you all mentioned. I am overwhlemed but know today is just a few hours out of thw hospital. I will be easy on myself. Start planning how I will navigate life so I do not get suicidal. I miss my Mom and my fiancee, both 6 feet under. I will be fine. Somehow.
What do you all do when you are overwhelmed or see that you start floundering in life?
The results are in, post observation stay at the hospital. They said as I have simmered down and not suicidal anymore, not flustered or on edge, it does not look like I have a host of mental healh problems like noted on my medical chart/record.
What I do have is situational depression because of so many "tragic" events in life and a few features of emotional dysregulation; which is an inability to handel the intense emotions I feel. The only thing that could help, they said was therapy.
In a way I am thrilled to know I am not suffering from a host of medical issues but at the same time it leaves me without things I can do to fix the same patterns that happen and disturb my life.
The common problematic problems in my life are:
- hopelessness cause that shift in priorites. I feel so hopeless that I do not see the worth of working towards my goals ( e.g. job security, family life etc.). Then I become suicidal. In that state of mind, only one person can change my mind and it depends on if they see me.
- I run away from work when overwhelmed.I guessed my previous jobs looked the other way because I produced exceptional quality and was extreamly liked by those around me. I do not think I will be able to get away with that at another job.
- I have periods where I am off work due to being overwhelmed. My doctors have written many stress leaves which ranged from months to years.
- I get attached to a few people and then when they leave my life, I get deeply fearful and internally chaotic inside. Fear of abandonment.
- self harm due to intense emotions
- I cannot seem to create lasting relationships. I wish I knew why.
@SweetPearCrumble
https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/01/psychodynamic-therapy
Interestingly, this article mentions that psychodynamic therapy and that the move away from this was beacuse of a rift between medical doctors and psychatrists. It has nothing to do with it's effectiveness. Psychodynamic therapy actually works better than CBT, DBT and meds plus the results last and the patient improves after therapy is finished.
Also, it said something that I was saying to doctors all along, CBT does not work for me. There is a line in the article that says CBT will not work for those with well developed reasoning abilities. They can make logical statments but they never address the emotional aspect so that is why it cannot stick. Mindblowing!!!
Go to the source of the problem and correct it so the stuff that happens afterwards is not affected. I like this better
@SweetPearCrumble​
Soooo good to hear you have found something that you feel might help you.
There are differences, but in many ways you sound like me, so I feel for you.
Some things I found useful, that may, or may not, be relevant to you:
The concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect. Helped me understand why emotions were so difficult for me. Any by understanding how it happened, gave me insight into what I was missing, and thus what gap I need to fill.
Love letter technique from the book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. John Gray. I've never sent any of them to anyone! But writing them really helped me to process my feelings about anyone and anything - work colleagues, family, and eventually, my partner.
The concept of High Functioning Anxiety. I figured out I struggled with anxiety but didn't fit the description of General Anxiety Disorder. I found it reassuring to know there were people like me.
AWARE technique for managing panic attacks (anxietycoach.com). I don't think I get true panic attacks but some of the concepts help me on a bad day.
The overwhelming days when you spiral down and can't get out are terrible. I wish I had a quick fix for them.
I don't know what else to say except I'm thinking of you and rooting for you. Best wishes.
@Clio9876
thank you so much! I will check out that website. I had a good upbringing with tonnes of attention and love, I think it might be more aligned with the high functioning anxiety that is kicking in. Thanks for your messages. It means a lot. I hooe you are in a good spot in life right now! :)
@SweetPearCrumble
I am in agood spot now, thanks. I find it hard to remember that, I find it much easier to dwell on the negatives. 7 cups is really good for reminding me of the positives. Hopefully one day I won't need the reminders.
​​​.best wishes
