Navigating a Complicated Relationship
Hi everyone,
I'm turning 33 tomorrow and wanted to share a bit about my journey. I had loving parents but a hard and lonely life. The few boyfreinds I had in the past didnt value me and would cheat or perfer their ex. After being single for 9 years, I started dating my current boyfriend, who is 25 years older than me and has been married and divorced twice. He had difficult relationships before me. I guesss he brings in some bad habits from this.
Our relationship had a rocky start. When we began dating, he was in a long-distance relationship with a woman from Thailand. He struggled as he loved us both and wanted her to move in with us. He supported her financially and gave her gifts, would text a few times daily.. which hurt my self-esteem. Despite my concerns, he was harsh and dismissive towards me. I tried to be supportive by making space for her in our home and attempting to befriend her. However, she eventually stole his money, found a boyfriend from another country, and cut off contact.
Since then, our relationship has improved. He treats me better and shows love, but I am still hurting. The foundation of our relationship is shaky, making it hard for me to build something good. He used to be unsupportive of my hobbies and interests, and he didn't take the time to understand me. For the first year and a half, he didn't want my family around, causing me to celebrate holidays with my parents on different days. He often dismissed my feelings, labeling me as depressed, an overthinker, and emotional.
I handled the situation with his ex well and stayed strong despite the challenges. Two of his adult kids didn't like me and tried to break us up. I encouraged him to spend time alone with his kids, but even that led to fights, with him accusing me of being controlling by suggesting and making space for him to be with his kids. My efforts to show love and care, like making handmade cards, were often met with accusations of manipulation, even though he knew it is something I do for my loved ones & I am a creative person.
I feel worn out, tired, and confused. Although he has made significant improvements, I struggle with trust and find myself getting angry, which is new for me. He is quick to judge, talk, and provide answers, but rarely listens to me, making me feel lonely and stuck. I got serious IBS & often sick from stress.
Last night was particularly hard. His son got involved in my private life, calling me ungrateful and accusing me of treating his dad poorly because he noticed my frustration when I wasn't understood about my need for my own office space for hopfully getting a remote job. I was feeling stressed from yet another interview and other things in my personal life. Despite everything I've done, including handling many of his sons chores, I feel unappreciated and ganged up on. I never involve my family in our relationship issues, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the situation.
I thought I was pregnant last year. my boyfriend was pushing for termination as he has 4 adult children and financial stress. As much as I understand his stress and concerns. I was left feeling me and my baby would be unwanted. Personally I didnt want to terminate the pregnancy. he has changed his mind and assures me that If I get pregnant he would be okay..
He reasures me often and I see he really does put in effort. He admits what he has done & understands why I feel hurt. He doesnt always realise that he can come across as impatient, his personality type is looking for improvements and solutions which can come across as harsh, need for perfection, etc.. He also hates emotion, I know woman can use tears to manipulate but crying is our bodies way of releasing. He puts up walls & cuts me off before giving me a change to show That I am open minded, etc.
How do I heal? how do I move forward and trust again? How do I calm down my anger? as I am getting angry & asuming he is just going to carry on doing what he did before.. How do I improve the relationship? How do I improve my own responses? How do I let go of the past hurt? as now I am starting to hurt him..
It is concerning me that yesterday when I needed support for a job interview, when I needed to feel heard and understood, it turned into a fight. I am normally not a person to express anger but I am getting really angry.. I am concerned about my anger as well as that I am getting panic attacks and bad IBS...
I was crying out for an office space of my own. This way I can decorate in a way that makes me feel relaxed. A space I can sort out my thoughts and meditate. A space for Privacy. I asked to have time to do my hobbies instead of cleaning up after everyone... This is what I need for myself to fill my cup again...
sorry for the long rant
Thank you for listening.
@BlossomGirvan
I think you have put up with a lot .... you are still young and if you want a life and a child of your own it might be time to face real issues .....
Share your needs and anger ... because internalizing it only punishes yourself. the whole relationship started with a third party that shows you how you are valued... his adult children show you no respect and no effort just to let you have space of your own for a JOB shows it.
Please put yourself first .... love yourself........ seeing this has a bleak future at best..... you deserve better
@toughTiger6481
Thank you very much for your response and your support. This is a difficult thing to do... chances are if I found another partner at my age it will most likely be involved in blended families again.. I made the choice to bewith a man who loved another woman. I hurt myself by doing so.
@BlossomGirvan that isn't a healthy relationship. That's not what love is or should feel like. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Love isn't supposed to make you feel empty. It's not supposed to feel empty, cold or like your alone. You're worth more than what you're valuing yourself at by not only being with someone so undeserving and selfish but by putting up with their behavior.
@JustCory88
Thank you for your concern. I know it comes from a place of care. Relationships are indeed complex and can sometimes be challenging. While love shouldn't make us feel consistently unhappy or undervalued, every relationship has its ups and downs...
I've found myself in a difficult spot, but I'm taking steps to understand my feelings and decide what's best for me. Your words remind me to consider my own worth and happiness, and I appreciate that. I'm working through these emotions and trying to figure out the best path forward.
Thank you for being there and for your supportive words. It means a lot to me.
It's the least i could do.
Hi there, I'm really sorry for what you are going through.
I've been in a really difficult relationship and honestly I was cheated on in the ling run. My boyfriend now husband was always selfish and never emotionally available to support me but expected me to always be that foe him until I got angry
The only....only reason why I stayed was because when I found out about the affair I was about to leave. For the first time ever in our relationship, I put myself first.
He is doing therapy, making both of us see a couples psychotherapist....he's unrecognizable from who he was in the past.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's what I learned in this experience.
if he's going to continue hurting you...you eventually have to decide if you're going to continue allowing it or if you are going to put yourself first and stand up for yourself.
If standing up for yourself makes it worse, then do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Relationships are work, but it's not meant to be one sided. I was ur age when I put myself in a toxic relationship and I'm now 40 and I wish to God I reacted to the red flags and got out before I let years of damage ruin who I was.
Just don't end up like me
Well said
@zeetee17
Thank you for your advice. He is apologetic for his actions and is working towards making things better, and I am grateful for that. I recognize that I also have work to do on myself, such as improving my self-esteem and understanding my own value. You are right that a person is treated in the way they allow themselves to be treated...
You deserve better than this
I think you should look to get out of this relationship. He is 25 years older than you and he doesn't want more children.
Your anger is because you are starting to realise that you want more from, life and yourself and it angers you that you have allowed yourself to be in this situation
Hi blossom,
he will not change.
i relate to your post more than you know. Going through a similar situation myself, we’re in couple therapy, and I see he’s trying. But I’ve now realized he will not change.
he betrayed my trust starting two years ago. And like you, I’m a giving, peaceful person, have never expressed the degree of anger and rage that I’ve felt these last two plus years. I’m 46. I don’t recognize myself and this relationship has confused me so much (thanks to his gaslighting, defensiveness, and avoidance), that I am deeply depressed and life has lost all meaning, I don’t want to exist anymore. It’s made me physically ill.
why don’t I just leave him if it’s killing me to stay?
I’m scared to be alone. And to me, living life alone is not worth living. I want to share my life with someone else. But staying also makes me feel like I don’t want to live because hostility can show up at any time, and the hostility terrifies me, as a survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse.
and so I’m stuck.
then I read your post and see how clear the writing is on the wall. I wonder, are you angry because he has hurt you only? Or are you also angry because he doesn’t see you, cherish you, value you? Because being angry at him and hurting him back with your anger will not cause you to be seen. I know this. This has been my life for 2.5 years. I’ve only hurt myself by being angry at him. My anger won’t change him.
by the way, working with a therapist myself, she helped me see that my husband had narcissistic traits. The defensiveness, arrogance, gaslighting, lack of accountability for his role in the relationship dynamics, and avoidance, they all match.
I hope you find the clarity and strength you need.
check out coda.org, start understanding what’s going on for yourself.
hugs
@HardyMomeRath
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through. I can relate. It's incredibly tough when someone you love and trust betrays you and leaves you feeling confused and lost.
It's good to hear that you're in couple's therapy and that he's trying, but it sounds like you've come to a difficult realization that he might not change. The betrayal and the subsequent gaslighting, defensiveness, and avoidance can make anyone feel lost and question their own reality. Your feelings of anger and rage are completely valid, especially given the circumstances. I'm also deeply sorry to hear that this has led you to feel so depressed and physically ill.
The fear of being alone is something I understand very well. It’s a daunting thought to face life without a partner, especially when you’ve endured so much. But it’s important to remember that your well-being and mental health are paramount. No one deserves to feel like their life isn’t worth living because of a relationship. As a survivor of childhood physical and emotional abuse, it's especially crucial that you feel safe and cherished... I understand completely, for me I always felt that I have so much love to give, I wanted to love and be loved. Being alone for 9 years in the prime of my life was very painful as much as I enjoyed my own company. It got too much as we are meant to love and be loved..
Being angry and lashing out in response to the pain is a natural reaction, but as you’ve noted, it doesn’t bring about the change we hope for. Instead, it often hurts us more. It’s heartbreaking to realize that anger alone won’t make him see, value, or cherish you...
I'm glad to hear you're working with a therapist and discovering more about the dynamics in your relationship, including your husband’s narcissistic traits. It's a crucial step in understanding what's been happening and why...
I hope you continue to find clarity and strength. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you are seen, valued, and loved for who you are.
Thank you for the link to support groups, like those at coda.org, which can offer additional guidance and support.
Sending you a big hug and lots of strength. You’re not alone in this.
Warm regards 🤗
totally agree. to live with someone and use them while being with another woman is totally narcissistic