BDSM Relationship Experience Anyone?

Hi 

i have partaken in this a few times in bedroom only with my partner takes a lot of relaxation and maybe a few wines.!?

@Trav2019 Not into wine myself, but I would take a hard cider or hard seltzer. I'm a lightweight for any drinks. We're mostly in the bedroom or out at clubs. Have you found any of the dynamic affect your daily relationship? I know for us, if there is tension or any argument, then it takes awhile to bring him back into the mood for that kind of action. 

@craterlake 

Trigger Warning: BDSM/fetish/control/mind games/consent

BDSM is like any life experience.  Many people do not think enough about the details of what is wanted by both parties involved (or however many are involved), and that can influence the effectiveness of negotiation and limits. Physical play is a small aspect of it.  The psychological aspect must also be very clearly and carefully negotiated.  Humiliation?  Better have that one fully ironed out before heading out.  😊

My partner, when I met her 15 years ago, was one of the most sought after Dommes in Europe.  And I was a highly desired submissive.  Both of U/us were too intense for anyone to carry on a long term relationship with, but She and i fit together perfectly. 

Note: I am using the terms Top and bottom, but this is an easy all inclusive way of saying Dom/Domme/sub, Sadist/masochist, etc.  There are lots of nuances, and this post is already very long. lol

Sex is completely absent from O/our relationship, and no one understands that, but i would say that rule number one is: know what you want, learn not to care what others think of it (consent is the name of the game), and do not care about rejection when negotiating with a new Top or bottom.  i negotiated with and played with a lot of Tops before i met Her, but when looking for a long term relationship, i was rejected (and i rejected) a lot.  Rejection is part of the game, so don't care too much about that.  Finding the perfect compatible match is the most important thing, and that requires a lot of patience and getting to know yourself, and then getting to know your partner even better than you know yourself. 😊

Doing this in public, is like doing anything in public, but turn up the volume on vulnerability and judgement.  i was naked, and of course, She was absolutely not.  i was totally comfortable with that.  There were people that envied and hated us for being such beautiful, untouchable, hardcore players (She is a hardcore Sadist, and i react to pain with euphoria; it is bizarre for most people to see and experience).   Then, there were people that begged us to do workshops, so they could become like us.  It ran the gamut. Be prepared for a spectrum of reactions to your choices and how you present.

She and i got to a point where W/we found the attention from other people to be exhausting, so W/we stopped playing in public. Besides, W/we knew W/we were together for life, only wanted each other, and no one could match O/our intensity, so clubs no longer held any appeal.  A lot of our play in recent years has been mind fks.  Not as much fun as physical play, but W/we are getting older.  And W/we switch a lot when playing mind games.  W/who is W/who?  Why not.  It is all just for fun. 😇👿🤪

When playing in public, I would say that an individual needs to know their own limits (what is an absolutely non-negotiable NO; know that with certainty).  Naked ok or not ok?  Leather/latex ok or not ok? Collar or not? Who pays?  Is spending money part of the role play and what does that look like?   When you go with a new partner, how will you behave when there?  What does your play partner expect, in terms of respect (call me Miss?  Call me Mistress?  Call me Sir?  Do not speak unless spoken to?  Only speak your safeword, when necessary, otherwise you are to stay silent?).

Also, do NOT take unnecessary risks.  If there is a new type of play that you want to try, learn from someone with proven experience, or play with someone whose reputation is known for being safe and sane.  If you and your partner are learning, make sure you both feel equally comfortable with the mentor you have chosen together.  When rumors are rampant about someone (sometimes it is hatred, jealousy or envy, and sometimes it is true), be patient and wait until you have enough information to know whether or not the reputation is true.  The social dynamics encountered within a dungeon can be overwhelming, because it is a place for E/everyone to express true feelings freely, and that is intense, on its own.

A lot of public play is a show (what do you both want that show to project to the audience).  Or do either of you need privacy?  Will you rent a private room in the dungeon, and choose to interact very little with others while playing or do you enjoy voyeurism and others watching? 

A lot of public dungeon life is a clear demonstration of respect from the bottom towards the Top reflecting back to the bottom.  The payoff for the bottom is the show of self control.  My ability to demonstrate self control is quite amazing, and my partner LOVES that She gets the credit for that (as well She should). This is a power dynamic that is SO much fun.  i love when my strength makes Her look good!  Even though we do not go to dungeons anymore, W/we still have this in public when together.

All play requires a LOT of knowing yourself, and public play even more so.  So, as in all things in life, know thyself, and positive experience follows perfectly.  I take this lifestyle very seriously, only because I want to get as much out of it as She and i possibly can.  Certainly not everyone commits this much to it. 🤣

Side note:  Any kind of activity that includes impact play, or rough play of any kind?  Or consent from new play partners? It is best to have no alcohol or substance use of any kind.  One wants to be of sound mind when negotiating consent, pushing limits or playing rough.  She drinks coffee, and i drink water or juice.  The play is the high.  😃

I have rambled on enough.  Wishing you lots of fun with this lifestyle!  I have LOVED it!  But no, it is definitely not for everyone. 💘 😊

@craterlake

I want to add that when I choose to be vulnerable, I am trained in Krav Maga.  I am the protector of myself and my Partner, so that is also an aspect of our lifestyle.  Never assume that you are safe, even though you are in a venue full of people that accept an alternative lifestyle.  Life always bears some risk, and one should be as best prepared for it as possible.  Most human beings do their best to treat each other with respect, but do not ignore that it is a fact that a small percentage still choose to create war.  

That said, Krava Maga boosts my confidence and increased my personal strength, but in most cases of conflict, I will choose to leave rather than fight.  Wisdom is anyone's best defense.  😊

@niceSea1350 Thank you for such an in-depth response. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship. While I admire those who enjoy and gain pleasure from impact play, it's something I can't bring myself to take because of abuse I've had in the past. Is Krava Maga a good beginner self defense? I'd like to have the confidence that I can protect myself if someone doesn't play nice. 

@craterlake  @craterlake Thank you for being so kind! 💗

TW: childhood physical and emotional abuse/BDSM, homicidal ideation, suicidal ideation, depression

My parents were both extremely abusive when I was a child, and they hid it by going to church and praying to God to heal their child, the pathological liar.  I was a tomboy and mostly played with boys until puberty (the point at which my parents no longer believed it was ok, which was confusing), so they had "rational explanations" for all of the marks and bruises on my body.

I reacted to the extreme pain I experienced with feelings of hatred towards my parents, extreme rage and anger, yelling at them after every beating that I HATED THEM, I WISHED THEY WOULD DIE, crawling to my room, and then suicidal ideation for wishing ill will on obviously sick people.  Alice in Chains was one of my favorite bands when I was a teenager, because Layne shared exactly how I felt.  I knew my parents were victims of childhood abuse themselves, worse than mine, so rationally I knew they were doing the best they could, but I just could not figure out how to give this a place in my head (it felt like constant mental gymnastics), and with all of the mental gymnastics going on, there was no real place for seeking a solution to this.  I spent most of my teenage years trying to figure out why, rather than focusing on what would give me stability.  Enter fetish and BDSM as a way to reprogram my experience for myself.

I saw impact play as a way to learn a number of things. 

1) I could consent to the abuse, and stop seeing it as abuse.  It was a way to rewrite my history, in that now, I could choose the instrument (waterboarding, mean rope, handyman tools of all kinds, scalpel, brand, bull whip, riding crop, cattle prod, needles, tattoo needles without ink (hard limit is permanent marks that can easily be seen, that is very triggering for me - you get the idea).

2) With the right Top, I could talk about why He/She enjoys hurting people, and more specifically, what it is about hurting ME that is so much fun?  I met one Dom in particular that, to this day, I absolutely love Him and think well of Him, even though I only played with him a handful of times.  He was spectacular, in that he was the first person to tell me, "There is something about you that feels invincible, it makes me salivate and even fear completely losing control.  It is like no matter how many times I send an impact, and no matter how hard I hit, I feel that I cannot cause you damage.  It unleashes, eh, kind of an inner lion, or worse.  I cannot describe it.  I have to admit, I feel like I struggle to trust myself with you, and this is why I schedule multiple play partners when I know I will be seeing you.  When I am not certain I can trust myself, I schedule interruptions that I know will force me to do the right thing."

I was completely floored by His honesty.  He is a rare bird, and few Tops can be this honest.  It gave me the explanation I needed for so many years, to be free of hatred for my parents.  My parents felt safe using me to process all of their feelings about their own childhood abuse, and the shame was so great, that they could not admit that they were doing it, and probably did not understand their own loss of control or their own need to lie to people about the fact that they were doing it.  It's been a journey, to process all of this in the most positive way possible that I could.  No one gets it right all the time, so love yourself, no matter what!  🥰

So, thanks to this amazing Dom in Seattle (I cannot speak for now, but I know that Seattle was the go to place for learning about 15 years ago), I finally felt confident going down a path of no contact with my parents, because this explanation from him?  I knew a conversation like this would NEVER happen with my parents, and so healing our relationship would never be possible.

Do I recommend people doing what I have done, to overcome childhood trauma?  Absolutely not.  I was extremely suicidal, had attempted suicide many times unsuccessfully, and by the time I met this amazing Dom, I was fully ready to die at the hands of someone else.  I had surrendered to death, knowing I would never get answers...and then, miraculously, the answers were there.

And, a few months after meeting Him is when I met my amazing Domme, moved to Europe, and She has been helping me with my healing journey ever since.  Thank you for acknowledging how amazing She is.  I want to  live, all thanks to Her.  I no longer hate my parents, I want to live, and I love my life, and I have the courage to keep on keeping on, though I still face emotional challenges daily, and it is all thanks to Her.  

Anyone that does not believe in love?  I say surrender to the possibility that you may never find it, and then, it just may miraculously appear.  🥰  I am humbled every day by Her desire to get old with me, and I so appreciate the gift of Her presence in my life.  Thank you for letting me share this here, craterlake.  I so appreciate you bringing this topic here so that I can share this here!

Moving on to Krav Maga!!  Which I LOVE!!!

When I was a teenager, I worked at a karate school and learned basic blocking techniques (free classes FOR THE WIN!).  This gave me the ability to block my parents' attacks, and I specifically chose not to learn how to fight, because I did not want to be tempted to fight my parents.  For all their faults, I wanted to defend myself, but not fight them.  So, I blocked their hits, they felt powerless, and the abuse stopped.  I was working part time at the karate school, participating in jazz band, marching band, school theatre productions - you name it.  I made sure that I was too busy to spend time at home, so as to focus on things that would build my self esteem, and distance me from them as much as possible.  I left home at age 18, and never went back.  I faced a lot of challenges and made a lot of hard choices to stay gone, but it was right for me.  Everyone should trust their own  instincts when forging a new path in life. 

This is why I LOVE Krav Maga so much!  It works with your instincts, so that when facing a challenge, you go with the flow of what your body naturally wants to do, and like this, the challenge is simpler (not easy!) to win.  As an example, I did body paint in New Orleans one year for Halloween.  I looked pretty similar to Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman, naked on Bourbon Street.  I got a lot of attention, and drunk people were quick to grab me by the shoulder to get a "stable" hold and look at my "costume".  lol  It could have gone wrong, but I was very confident in my ability to defend myself, and people pick up on that and did not mess with me.  

So, I would say that the style of martial arts that one would choose should be based, not necessarily on just the effectiveness alone.  It should also be based on what makes someone feel confident.  I have met people that tried Krav and were like, Nope.  Jiu Jitsu is it for me!  So again, I would say trust your instincts, and project confidence, not arrogance, no matter what.

Also, once you have learned any kind of self defense, be careful about the moron friends you have that want to brag about what a bad*** you are in public.  This got me in to trouble one time.  A guy challenged me to a fight.  He was drunk, I declined, he insisted.  He was weak, so I felt terrible using what I knew, and he picked up on that.  I pretended not to know as much as my friend said I knew, he knew I was faking it, it made him feel weaker, and he broke my pinky out of spite. 

So, as far as self defense goes?  Learn martial arts to increase confidence, strength and self discipline. When someone wants to fight, only do it when you honestly have no other choice.  Walk or run away, unless the attack is unexpected, and then you have to do what you have to do.  If an idiot friend starts bragging about your skills, stop hanging out with that idiot.

In a dungeon setting, you will not find yourself easily able to use martial arts unless you want to get kicked out.  The mindset of a dungeon is that all play is thorougly negotiated with safe words, before you ever start.  Are you going to run into situations where Tops lose control, do something stupid and accidentally violate code Red?  Maybe.  But I mostly chose older players with a LOT of experience.  

When I did encounter the few that did not respect limits (pretending like they were making me stronger by violating boundaries, pretending we had negotiated something I absolutely did not negotiate, or whatever), that was the first and last time it happened.  I was such a tough player that if I played with someone once and never again?  It was understood that this person was not worth playing with.  I sing praises or say nothing at all, until the situation is so far in the past, that it does not matter anymore.  Silence destroys reputations better than the truth.  Do with that what you will.  😉

My goodness, I have rambled again.  Thank you so much for listening.  I am happy to keep on chatting about my experience, but do please feel free to tell me it is enough at any time.  I do tend to get long winded, at times.  Wishing you a FANTASTIC weekend!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

@niceSea1350

Thank you for sharing. I'm a little in awe (perhaps a tad jealous!) of your confidence and self belief. Knowing that some people have it, inspires me that one day I can too. You have clearly gained so much wisdom from your journey and experiences. I'm glad you have found what gives you peace and makes you happy.

@Clio9876  You are so sweet, thank you.  🤗  Wishing you strength, courage and confidence on your journey, and a wonderful rest of the week! 💖

@niceSea1350 Please don't stop writing! I love reading this and I'll have this through a few times to fully get all the valuable info. I feel like we should have met long ago. I really love how you've decided to rewrite your history and own your own path. It seems time I do the same I do want to learn some self defense in case I get into a situation where painful things are not consented on. Since I can't go out for classes, I may have to resort to learning from good old youtube for some of the basics. That's where I've learned some of the rope tying / shibari lately. It's a little easier to see it performed instead of interpreting from a book (I have those too). 

Thank you so much again! Have a great day/evening/whatever it is where you are. Hugs!

@craterlake  You are so kind, thank you.  😊💖

Excellent idea!  I love that Youtube and the internet is a resource for gaining foundational information in any genre, before we may be ready for dipping our toes in the real water.  😁  As with all things, once feeling ready for more complex steps (suspension can be VERY risky with pressure points and such, so learn that from a real professional), an in person mentor is a wise and very possible choice.  Some are willing to come to your home to teach or they have private play spaces and dungeons (kind of mini dungeons) where they teach, so there are many, many options.  

It is exciting to start something new!  Enjoy the baby steps, because they go fast.  🤣  Best wishes for lots of fun in your future!!  🥳

@niceSea1350 I'll clarify that I'm not attempting any suspension work at all. It's very beginner work learning basic knots and completed work is about being decorative or restraining. No hanging, and being vary careful of pressure points. My wrist previously had gotten very hurt (non consensual and took 3 weeks to look normal again) and I'm vary aware of the amount of space needed to make sure that blood flow is not impacted. 

Our area has a BDSM club where a ropes group gets together once a month. My husband has gone once but I have to stay home with the kids. I'm not sure he wants me to be a rope top, but I've always loved knots. I used to crochet as a major hobby but haven't in many years. 

@craterlake  I am so sorry to hear that about your wrist. 😢

I love to read about your experience and think back to when I was first getting started.  Thank you so much for sharing, and please update the thread, once in a while, on your new adventures, if you feel so inclined.  😊

@RafaelGerver  It's nice to see Someone new with a lot of experience posting here. Thank You for being here.  

It is super challenging when an amazing relationship shifts into something different.  Then what is left is to figure out where to go from here, now.  The change can be necessary, unavoidable, best for everyone...does not matter that change is not wanted...  i've grappled with that, myself, under different circumstances than You describe here, but that grappling is not fun, no matter the circumstances.  You have my empathy, for what it is worth.  💗

The dynamic of my relationship with my Domme is different from what You describe that You had, and W/we are still together, but it is not what it was in the beginning.  Navigating what is wanted now when it cannot be what it once was...  Well...

It is very challenging for me not to get caught up in the sadness of that.  But, maybe something it can become something better?  Different and more exciting and rewarding in different ways?  Maybe someone new is on the horizon for You, when You are ready?

Very humbly, i say that the key to accepting change in any form, is to accept that i am sad about that change, and that is ok.  And for however long i am sad about it, it is how long i am sad about it, and no one is going to tell me that i cannot be sad.  That said, if the sadness becomes greater than sadness and unmangeable (which at times, it has), i have talked to my doctor about it and there are options, for when i feel i need that, too.  Change really is hard, and that does not mean anyone is weak, or that acceptance will never arrive or feel better eventually.  🤗 

i know that I will never have another relationship like She and i had in the beginning.  With Her or not, what i had with Her in the past is not possible.  i remind myself that if something different or better or not better, but also amazing...?  If that comes along, it is ok that i am not ready for it, and it is ok for me to become angry if i even try to imagine it right now.  Everything i feel is ok for me to figure out what is next, as long as i am not unloading on others unnecessarily (not that they would ever understand...  lol  I feel like talking about BDSM to anyone that does not get it = trying to explain to a man what it is to be pregnant.  Without the desire for the experience, and the experience itself, can anyone really imagine what this is to experience, let alone to enjoy it?  i think not, but who knows...)

i spend a lot of time going on walks alone in nature.  Have spent a lot of time crying.  Have spent a lot of time wishing that this reality wasn't made up of fleeting moments of joy, desire, exhiliaration...  Why so fleeting...  Oh, how the why can torment one's soul, if one allows it, i suppose...  She is my best friend in the whole wide world, and i am so grateful that W/we at least have that right now.

Anyway, i hope my post is more uplifting than i imagine it is.  Thank You for your post.  i wish You peace, and that Your heart will soon feel full again, no matter what shows up to fill it (even if now it is simply a good book, an amazing burger, or a fabulous gourmet coffee...whatever Your  heart's desire can accept in this humble moment).

💖