BDSM Relationship Experience Anyone?

@craterlake  @craterlake Thank you for being so kind! 💗

TW: childhood physical and emotional abuse/BDSM, homicidal ideation, suicidal ideation, depression

My parents were both extremely abusive when I was a child, and they hid it by going to church and praying to God to heal their child, the pathological liar.  I was a tomboy and mostly played with boys until puberty (the point at which my parents no longer believed it was ok, which was confusing), so they had "rational explanations" for all of the marks and bruises on my body.

I reacted to the extreme pain I experienced with feelings of hatred towards my parents, extreme rage and anger, yelling at them after every beating that I HATED THEM, I WISHED THEY WOULD DIE, crawling to my room, and then suicidal ideation for wishing ill will on obviously sick people.  Alice in Chains was one of my favorite bands when I was a teenager, because Layne shared exactly how I felt.  I knew my parents were victims of childhood abuse themselves, worse than mine, so rationally I knew they were doing the best they could, but I just could not figure out how to give this a place in my head (it felt like constant mental gymnastics), and with all of the mental gymnastics going on, there was no real place for seeking a solution to this.  I spent most of my teenage years trying to figure out why, rather than focusing on what would give me stability.  Enter fetish and BDSM as a way to reprogram my experience for myself.

I saw impact play as a way to learn a number of things. 

1) I could consent to the abuse, and stop seeing it as abuse.  It was a way to rewrite my history, in that now, I could choose the instrument (waterboarding, mean rope, handyman tools of all kinds, scalpel, brand, bull whip, riding crop, cattle prod, needles, tattoo needles without ink (hard limit is permanent marks that can easily be seen, that is very triggering for me - you get the idea).

2) With the right Top, I could talk about why He/She enjoys hurting people, and more specifically, what it is about hurting ME that is so much fun?  I met one Dom in particular that, to this day, I absolutely love Him and think well of Him, even though I only played with him a handful of times.  He was spectacular, in that he was the first person to tell me, "There is something about you that feels invincible, it makes me salivate and even fear completely losing control.  It is like no matter how many times I send an impact, and no matter how hard I hit, I feel that I cannot cause you damage.  It unleashes, eh, kind of an inner lion, or worse.  I cannot describe it.  I have to admit, I feel like I struggle to trust myself with you, and this is why I schedule multiple play partners when I know I will be seeing you.  When I am not certain I can trust myself, I schedule interruptions that I know will force me to do the right thing."

I was completely floored by His honesty.  He is a rare bird, and few Tops can be this honest.  It gave me the explanation I needed for so many years, to be free of hatred for my parents.  My parents felt safe using me to process all of their feelings about their own childhood abuse, and the shame was so great, that they could not admit that they were doing it, and probably did not understand their own loss of control or their own need to lie to people about the fact that they were doing it.  It's been a journey, to process all of this in the most positive way possible that I could.  No one gets it right all the time, so love yourself, no matter what!  🥰

So, thanks to this amazing Dom in Seattle (I cannot speak for now, but I know that Seattle was the go to place for learning about 15 years ago), I finally felt confident going down a path of no contact with my parents, because this explanation from him?  I knew a conversation like this would NEVER happen with my parents, and so healing our relationship would never be possible.

Do I recommend people doing what I have done, to overcome childhood trauma?  Absolutely not.  I was extremely suicidal, had attempted suicide many times unsuccessfully, and by the time I met this amazing Dom, I was fully ready to die at the hands of someone else.  I had surrendered to death, knowing I would never get answers...and then, miraculously, the answers were there.

And, a few months after meeting Him is when I met my amazing Domme, moved to Europe, and She has been helping me with my healing journey ever since.  Thank you for acknowledging how amazing She is.  I want to  live, all thanks to Her.  I no longer hate my parents, I want to live, and I love my life, and I have the courage to keep on keeping on, though I still face emotional challenges daily, and it is all thanks to Her.  

Anyone that does not believe in love?  I say surrender to the possibility that you may never find it, and then, it just may miraculously appear.  🥰  I am humbled every day by Her desire to get old with me, and I so appreciate the gift of Her presence in my life.  Thank you for letting me share this here, craterlake.  I so appreciate you bringing this topic here so that I can share this here!

Moving on to Krav Maga!!  Which I LOVE!!!

When I was a teenager, I worked at a karate school and learned basic blocking techniques (free classes FOR THE WIN!).  This gave me the ability to block my parents' attacks, and I specifically chose not to learn how to fight, because I did not want to be tempted to fight my parents.  For all their faults, I wanted to defend myself, but not fight them.  So, I blocked their hits, they felt powerless, and the abuse stopped.  I was working part time at the karate school, participating in jazz band, marching band, school theatre productions - you name it.  I made sure that I was too busy to spend time at home, so as to focus on things that would build my self esteem, and distance me from them as much as possible.  I left home at age 18, and never went back.  I faced a lot of challenges and made a lot of hard choices to stay gone, but it was right for me.  Everyone should trust their own  instincts when forging a new path in life. 

This is why I LOVE Krav Maga so much!  It works with your instincts, so that when facing a challenge, you go with the flow of what your body naturally wants to do, and like this, the challenge is simpler (not easy!) to win.  As an example, I did body paint in New Orleans one year for Halloween.  I looked pretty similar to Lynda Carter's Wonder Woman, naked on Bourbon Street.  I got a lot of attention, and drunk people were quick to grab me by the shoulder to get a "stable" hold and look at my "costume".  lol  It could have gone wrong, but I was very confident in my ability to defend myself, and people pick up on that and did not mess with me.  

So, I would say that the style of martial arts that one would choose should be based, not necessarily on just the effectiveness alone.  It should also be based on what makes someone feel confident.  I have met people that tried Krav and were like, Nope.  Jiu Jitsu is it for me!  So again, I would say trust your instincts, and project confidence, not arrogance, no matter what.

Also, once you have learned any kind of self defense, be careful about the moron friends you have that want to brag about what a bad*** you are in public.  This got me in to trouble one time.  A guy challenged me to a fight.  He was drunk, I declined, he insisted.  He was weak, so I felt terrible using what I knew, and he picked up on that.  I pretended not to know as much as my friend said I knew, he knew I was faking it, it made him feel weaker, and he broke my pinky out of spite. 

So, as far as self defense goes?  Learn martial arts to increase confidence, strength and self discipline. When someone wants to fight, only do it when you honestly have no other choice.  Walk or run away, unless the attack is unexpected, and then you have to do what you have to do.  If an idiot friend starts bragging about your skills, stop hanging out with that idiot.

In a dungeon setting, you will not find yourself easily able to use martial arts unless you want to get kicked out.  The mindset of a dungeon is that all play is thorougly negotiated with safe words, before you ever start.  Are you going to run into situations where Tops lose control, do something stupid and accidentally violate code Red?  Maybe.  But I mostly chose older players with a LOT of experience.  

When I did encounter the few that did not respect limits (pretending like they were making me stronger by violating boundaries, pretending we had negotiated something I absolutely did not negotiate, or whatever), that was the first and last time it happened.  I was such a tough player that if I played with someone once and never again?  It was understood that this person was not worth playing with.  I sing praises or say nothing at all, until the situation is so far in the past, that it does not matter anymore.  Silence destroys reputations better than the truth.  Do with that what you will.  😉

My goodness, I have rambled again.  Thank you so much for listening.  I am happy to keep on chatting about my experience, but do please feel free to tell me it is enough at any time.  I do tend to get long winded, at times.  Wishing you a FANTASTIC weekend!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳