Moderated by
Tanyia Hughes, Adv Dip Psy
Psychotherapist
I have been through a lot in life too, which helps me to be able to empathize with situations, thoughts and feelings that we have. Sometimes, it's not easy just being human.
Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
August 23rd, 2018 12:41am
Well, I would take a deep breath and try to stay calm. Then I would start talking. If you can't bring yourself to talk to this person or group of people, then that is ok too. You shouldn't feel pressured to talk to people. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then you shouldn't force yourself to do it. Never let yourself feel pressured. It is not shameful to not be able to talk to people. Social anxiety is just like normal anxiety. You may feel like you are a failure at socializing but you are not. I suffer from this as well. At times it's ok to talk to people, then other days you feel like it would be the end of the world to talk to them. It can be managed slowly. Start by talking to one person everyday.
Those who have this worry (like myself) often are very introspective and socially anxious, constantly concerned about what they need to say, do etc to fill up the conversation - which overwhelms them. But this is lessened when you acknowledge that a conversation occurs between two or more people - and that you do not have to fill up this time and put in your efforts alone. Furthermore, during your introspection you may worry about what about you and your life you could possibly talk about, and find it difficult to personally identify your interests and knowledgeable areas due to a lack of confidence. However, if you first ask the other person what they're interested in or about their knowledge on something then you are giving them an opportunity to discuss something they're interested in, and often through listing to what they're passionate about will remind you what your interests are. This is also good as it makes the other person feel listened to.
Take a deep breath. Smile. Ask questions - relevant questions to the conversation. Make amusing comments about shared experiences you're having at that moment or have had together in the past. Don't be afraid to be yourself - share details about yourself and your life, keeping the amount of detail a little more limited when you don't know someone that well, and more plentiful when you know them well. And always keep in mind that nothing is personal. People may say things that sound like they are directed at you, but 9 times out of 10 they are projecting their own lived experience at you, and anything they say is coming from a lifetime of interactions with others and themselves, rather than it being about you in that specific moment. This will help you navigate taking offence or feeling embarrassed more easily.
treat them like you would talk to a friend! :D care like you would for a friend; be casual, chill like a chit chat :D Be ok even if it don't go well; you don't always get along with everyone anyway! try talking to them about topics that interest them like their hobbies, what makes them happy.. :D
ask them how they are.. what makes them feel that way..
share something about yourself so others can open up too and trust you.
take time to know each other. no pressure in the first conversation as relationships take time to build up!
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. â€
When you’re quick to judge people and situations, you hinder the natural process of communication.
The next time you find yourself talking to someone, step back and truthfully assess your beliefs when interacting. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the speaker. People love to be seen and heard so when you empathize with them, they will feel comfortable in your presence.
When empathic listening becomes a habit, you’ll be able to better understand people’s struggles and why they do what they do.
Anonymous
June 21st, 2020 9:32am
be yourself and talk about stuff that interests you. do not fake it-it never ends well. just talk about casual stuff and if your guys energies match, you wont realise when you guys are getting along well. if you run out of things to talk about then bring up your feelings or how your childhood as been-just-be yourself,, even if things are getting awkward or if they seem to judge you-get comfortable with them and let them feel that way too. dont stress too much-they are just like you and who knows they might be wondering the same thing as you. chill it out, love.
I don’t understand what you mean by “normallyâ€. However, I can give you some personal “tips†of how to talk to people without letting your insecurities or anxiety overcomes you.
1. Understand that EVERYONE is a little bit anxious when talking to other people, especially strangers. It’s not only you.
2. Talking to people you feel connected or comfortable can give you extra confidence.
3. Avoid conversations with people you don’t like or make you feel uncomfortable.
4. Comfort hasn’t to do with not being anxious. Being comfortable with someone -for me personally- means enjoying the conversation, saying what I really want to say -being honest-, be considerate about others needs and vice versa, be ready to listen to others and discuss, etc.
5. Remember that through a face-to-face discussion you ALWAYS can learn more things about yourself, others and about things.
6. You can start talking with people about things you find interesting. This will make you feel less anxious about the conversation.
Good luck! You got this!!! :)
Anonymous
July 15th, 2020 1:48pm
I don't know what you mean by normally, but I'll just tell you how I deal with it (not a very socialising type). If I don't really know the other person, I tend to treat them like I would treat my neighbour aunty (a very Indian term but basically someone I can't be impolite or odd with even if I want to.) I just try to be polite and interested and let them do most of the talking. Make eye-contact often, smile and be involved (nod your head, laugh). And a little bit here and there (This is easier when you relate to the topic of course... But otherwise maybe go with something like "oh yeah?") This works pretty well for most people, except maybe the kind who don't like to talk much.
By just being ourselves we can come into a situation more relaxed. We know that we have something to offer based on our past experiences. Some of those experiences match the experiences of others. We can find resonance there. We know that similarities are more common than differences - that's our commonality. We find that the more we have in common the more comfortable we feel. It's based on that knowledge that allows us to speak to people more normally. It gives us an opportunity to come from the heart and be real.
Anonymous
August 14th, 2020 3:23am
Personally, there is no way to speak to people normally. Everyone has their own ways of being nice, if we were all the same then life would be boring! When I talk to new people I just act like myself, if I seem to weird so be it but I do not believe in changing your persona just to appeal to others. Most importantly do not hide your weirdness! From what I learned through history, most of the most influential figures from the past were considered weird like Einstein and even big actors on the big screen. Be yourself!
Talking to people normally is kind of a misnomer. Learning to approach strangers really just takes practice. You just need to keep doing it. Work is often the best place to practice this skill. Interacting with multiple people per day will certainly give lots of practice working with all kinds of different customers in all kinds of fields.
Talking to people normally is really just a force of habit that is not so common these days because there are many alternatives to speaking in person. Jobs that still offer this chance are certainly boons for the working class in America.
Remember that often, other people want to talk to you 'normally' as well! It is natural to feel a bit anxious talking to people. Even if it feels out of your comfort zone, a great way to develop confidence in your ability to talk to people is simply by practicing. This doesn't have to be full-on conversations to begin; instead, it might look more like asking the barista how their day is going when you go for a coffee, or asking your neighbour how their summer is going. If you start small and get confidence over time, you may eventually find yourself not even thinking about talking 'normally' in conversation!
Smiling.
when we smile, it’s the instant ice breaker. And it’s so simple to do. So practice letting your smile “fill your face.â€
Slow down.
When we’re nervous, we tend to speed up the way we talk. When we slow down though, it gives people time to connect with you.
Change your tone.
peak with more energy — and it did WONDERS. Try taking whatever level you’re at when you normally talk, and add 50% more energy into your voice. What feels weird to you is NORMAL to everyone else.
Note their reactions and your reactions. Did the person you’re talking to start smiling and laughing because of your energy? Or did they retreat because you made them uncomfortable? How did you feel while you were smiling or talking slowly?
Anonymous
November 14th, 2020 3:28pm
It's helpful to act like you're simply talking to a friend, but maybe a friend that you don't know too well.
Never assume you know where they're at, and always ask open ended questions to ensure that you get as much of a genuine answer as possible. If you start asking close-ended questions, the person might feel pressured to simply agree with what they think the "correct" answer is to your question. So, instead of "Did that make you feel sad?", use "how did that make you feel?"
Compassionate boundaries + no assumptions = successful conversation.
And empathy, empathy, empathy!! We don't have to understand to be able to help.
Nobody is perfect. Everyone is struggling on some level. When you shift your focus what they will think about you or stop fearing judgements, instead you just try to be kind to others. You reach a maturity level where you can't only talk to people normally but handle people around you quite well than an average person.
Try to be kind to people around you and don't give them the liberty to impact your mood and state of mind. Once you stop fearing people. Everything is going to feel easy.
Note: It is my personal view so to be treated like a general view, not professional advice.
It is difficult to conceptualize what is "normal", but I know how you can talk to people "freely": by letting go of the need to be "normal" or to seem socially desirable. These two concerns, which I'm sure you have, are the only things that are holding you back in your communication with other people. We constantly think about how others will evaluate us and that is poisoning our life. Although, the matter of fact is - there will always be people who wont like you no matter how hard you try; and second fact - there will always be people who will like you for who you are, even if you're not trying. Perhaps I went a little off the topic, but I really hope that this answers your question anyways, becuase in most cases, the root cause of people not being able to talk freely to others is the concern of whether they will appear socially desirable or not. It is a need that many never let fully go of, but you don't need to let it go fully. Your life will get so much easier if you manage to let go of just half of it.
I think "normally" is a relative term. In my eyes, talking to people "normally" is talking to them how you naturally would--in your own, unique, beautiful way. Don't think so much about how you *should* talk; instead, be yourself and connect with them on that level where emotions are raw and pure, without logic and with human feeling. I find that when I overthink what you're "supposed to" say, I find that I have nothing to say, but when I just go over and start chatting without expectations, just trying to be friendly and happy to talk to that person, there is plenty to talk about.
asking about someone's day and just listening as a start is always good. Once you have built a rapport with the person, you will find the conversation will flow normally. Showing a genuine interest in what people are talking about and finding common interests will help. Although, finding someone with differing interests makes for a learning experience and can help the conversation flow by asking questions and sharing your thoughts. It takes time. The first couple of conversations can be stunted and will take work and effort. Just like here on 7-cups. listening is a great start
When I was much younger, I felt I had this problem. I couldn't start a conversation, or maintain it. I tried to copy "cool people", and I felt like I was a fake. Then I chose to "talk" with writing, actually I was better than talking, and still I am. Writing helps. But then I got to know the deeper layer of my problem. I couldn't communicate with myself clearly. So I start writing my personal reflections on things happening within me. I came to know that I was trying hard to gain people validation that I forgot I need to validate myself first. Then I know whether some conversation is worth it or not. So I don't try so hard anymore. I just choose which talk will help me or others. Aside from that, I wouldn't sweat too much.
Anonymous
April 20th, 2022 2:38pm
You will have to define what do you mean by normally. Or at least what normally means for people you normally want to communicate with. In my opinion there's no normal way that people communicate. There are so many types people can talk, but I have found no one talk "normally". Nevertheless, to answer your question, find the purpose of your need to talk to people normally. Is it work, to make friends, or whatever it is. Secondly, practice as much as possible, talk to as many people as possible. There's literally no other way. If you run out of common phrases to use then by all means do your research and collate a bunch of phrases for you to use. And just do your thing. See what's talking to people, normally like for you. Best of luck!
Anonymous
January 22nd, 2022 9:52pm
Relax and be yourself. Talking come naturally when we allow ourselves to be naturally ourselves. I know it can be super hard to be ourselves when we are trying to be the best we can be for others. However, often being genuine is what is going to help people the most. We all want someone who genuinely wants to listen and talk to us through our problems. Likely, if you are here to help, you are the type of person who genuinely wants to listen and help people through their problems. So, shake off the nerves and allow yourself to tap into who you truly are. The normality will come naturally.
Talking to other people is intimidating at first, but gets easier. As someone who has social anxiety, this is especially intimidating. I have found that starting a conversation with a compliment automatically improves the overall tone of a conversation and increases the chances of the conversation flowing naturally. Step two: Ask the other person open-ended positive questions about themselves, maybe a career choice, or why they moved to a certain place. It helps you learn a lot about them and is the "discovery" part of any conversation. Plus, if you have anything in common feel free to open up to them as well! Good Luck:)
Anonymous
September 29th, 2021 8:19am
The first thing I would ask here is - What is normal? A lot of people have this idea regarding normal but what really is normal? I don't think any of us would be able to fit in that bracket! The media and other people make us believe we have to all be the same to "fit in" which is not true. The way you speak to people will be normal, this is normal for you and the type of person that you are. You need to have some confidence in yourself to then be able to feel good about speaking to other people.
The best way to learn is to practice. It helps to have common interests and hobbies to discuss, so clubs and events (like music shows, book clubs, sewing circles, movie nights, etc.) are all great ways to connect to others over a set activity and build more intimate relationships from there. Although everyone makes mistakes, practice brings people closer to perfect and also teaches you how to recover from mistakes, apologize, mend fences, set boundaries, and trust yourself in conversations. You can try setting daily goals, like meeting 5 new people in a week, or try online chatrooms which may be easier than navigating body language in conversation. Whatever works for you!
I love this question, because it allows space to challenge the term, "normally." Normal is ultimately relative. What might be normal for me is probably not normal for you, and this is okay. This is really cool, because it allows us to define the term for ourselves in a way that works the best for us. Not only does the term "normal" vary per person, but it can also vary per group; for instance, what is normal for my friends and I is definitely not considered normal in other situations. It is okay to change it up. Find what feels comfortable and authentic for you. The world is our oyster!
Anonymous
March 10th, 2021 6:47pm
Many people struggle with the ability to talk to others in a way that feels casual and ordinary. Social anxiety, autism, attention deficits, low self esteem, confidence issues, or imposter syndrome can all sometimes feel like they are getting in the way of what is considered "normal" social interaction. It's important to realize, however, that there is no real standard for "normal". "Normal" is just a word people use for "expected" and what is normal for one person may be unusual for another. If you feel you are not able to talk to people in a way you would consider "normal", perhaps it would help to find people who share common ground with you, so that you could practice feeling comfortable in conversation. You can also research facial expressions and social cues to familiarize yourself with social norms and conversational conventions. You can even practice small talk with close and supportive friends or family who understand your struggle. If you do not have anyone to practice with, you can practice in a mirror or rehearse using online videos of casual conversation. These are all coping mechanisms people use for helping themselves to get along in society when talking to others does not come naturally to them.
talking to people normally does not require much effort , you can initiate a conversation , talk about how you feel , talk about your day , share your memories, feel free to talk about anything , dont be judgemental , use proper usage of words, talk about things you like , your hobbies , talk about anything you want , just have a normal conversation , see that your interests are in line with the the interest of the other person. its nice to talk to people and share your views with a person and tell them your opinion.
How do we define “normal� We are all different and unique in our own way and what is normal to one person may be different to another person’s definition of normal. It is our own individual normalities that make us all amazingly different in this world! If you try too hard to talk in a way that conforms to someone else’s “normal†then you are at risk of losing your true self in conversation. Be your own normal as that is the only normal we truly know inside out and the only normal that is important in your own life!
Anonymous
May 26th, 2021 12:34am
For me, i have many friends, some are for just chatting and some for deeper discussions. From my past experience, some friends are not suitable to share emotional experiences and make me feel worse when i share with them. I choose who to share and talk about things that concerns me according to their capabilities. Talking about usual stuff is the easiest, does not require a specific moment or situations. But to talk to friends about emotional stuff requires a little preparation such as if they are in a hurry, at work place etc. It is also i am ready to share my trouble to someone.
Anonymous
June 6th, 2021 9:38pm
Be yourself! There are many people with the same interest, try talking about something you are passionate about. This will interest the person and a great conversation can be sparked. You can also start by saying a simple greeting, and the person can lead the conversation that may interest you. It will be ok, a lot of people are friendly once you get to talk to them. Maybe try complimenting somebody on their shoes or their jewelry and this can be an amazing conversation starter. Remember just be yourself, take a deep breath, and go for it. Hope this helped :)
Talk to an expert therapist
Hi, my name is Melissa and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I hope...
Talk to Melissa NowRelated Questions: How can I talk to people normally?
How do I get over feeling that everyone is going to leave me?Everything in my life is messed up. Motivation works temporarily and I'm not suicidal but feel it's pointless to live like this. What should I do to feel hopeful? How can I get what I need from my doctor? I feel extremely sick whenever I leave my house, what can I do? I have trouble with my school work due to procrastinating. And my anxiety always gets in the way. How do I get things done?A family member thinks I am lying about where I am going but I'm not, what should I do?How do I know if I did the right thing?Is it hard to think critically about something you love?How do I overcome the fear of cashiers?How can I convince myself that my friends don't hate me? I have this irrational fear that they actually hate me.