Grieving the Past…and Fearing the Future

First off, I want to acknowledge how incredibly honest and vulnerable you’re being about your feelings—it's not easy to open up about the disappointment and grief you're feeling, especially when society sometimes expects certain life milestones by a certain age. It sounds like you're in a moment of deep self-reflection, grappling with the life you imagined versus the one you're living right now. It’s okay to feel lost or unsure about how things turned out, especially when they don’t match your original vision.

Here are a few ways to find contentment as a single and childless woman in your 30s:

1. Redefine What Fulfillment Looks Like for You:

• Many people, including yourself, envision a specific life trajectory, but life has a way of throwing unexpected twists. It’s important to embrace that your journey is uniquely yours. You don’t have to follow someone else's timeline to be fulfilled.
• Maybe instead of focusing on the “traditional” idea of happiness (marriage, kids), think about what YOU truly want—what brings you joy now? You mentioned writing, diamond art, and hanging out with friends—what else sparks that feeling of purpose? Maybe it's travel, learning a new skill, or even career pursuits.

2. Let Go of the "Should" Mentality:

• The “shoulds” we place on ourselves can be heavy. I should be married by now. I should have kids by now. I should be further along in my career. Let go of these expectations. Life doesn’t have to unfold in the exact order you imagined. Your path may be unconventional, but that doesn’t make it any less valid or meaningful.
• It can also help to shift your focus from societal pressures or family comments like your mom's remark, to focusing on your own happiness.

3. Practice Self-Compassion:

• Being kind to yourself is key to overcoming feelings of inadequacy or self-blame. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel unsure or even upset about things not turning out as planned.
• Accept that it’s okay to grieve the life you thought you’d have. Give yourself space to feel those emotions without judgment.

4. Build a Supportive Community:

• Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family who understand you can make a world of difference. It’s awesome that you already hang out with single friends, but try to also cultivate relationships that help you feel connected and less alone in the experience.
• Consider joining communities that align with your interests—whether it’s through writing, art, or something else you’re passionate about. Finding like-minded people can help create a sense of belonging and support.

5. Focus on Personal Growth:

• Sometimes the greatest peace comes from within. If you haven't already, seeking therapy or doing personal development work could be incredibly helpful in navigating anxiety, depression, and your feelings about your current life stage. A therapist can help you work through emotions around societal pressures, grief, and managing expectations.
• Continue investing in your hobbies and passions as they allow you to connect with your own sense of self-worth, regardless of whether or not they fit into a traditional “success” narrative.

6. Embrace the Possibilities of Your Future:

• There’s no one “right” age to get married, have children, or accomplish specific goals. Whether you choose adoption, pursue a relationship in your own time, or decide that parenting isn’t in your future at all, you have the power to choose what fulfills you.
• Life may not have turned out how you envisioned, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late to pursue new dreams or goals. Embrace the freedom that comes with being in your 30s, where you’ve learned more about yourself and what you truly value.

7. Cultivate Gratitude:

• Even in times of grief or longing, practicing gratitude can help shift your mindset. Look at what you have now: your hobbies, friends, experiences, the person you’ve become. It's okay to miss certain things, but there's also power in recognizing what’s already good.

It’s clear that you're trying hard to navigate these feelings with introspection and care. Keep giving yourself the space to explore what fulfillment means to you and what makes you feel at peace. You are not alone in these feelings, and you're not defined by what you don't have. What you’re doing—the ways you engage with your interests and your life—matters.