....raging myself into Hell....
Has anyone experienced rage so consuming and completely overwhelming that you literally could not sit still for hours?
I'm Jeff, I'm 59 years old. I identify as Pagan, and I live alone in a small North Georgia city. In February 2021 my Mother passed away after an excruciating battle with Parkinson's Disease. I was never able to really grieve over her passing and it confused me. We were very close.
Since then my inability to mourn has frustrated me and I've grown extremely angry, to the point of being furious. At times even the slightest thing sets me completely off. I have never directed my anger toward another person unless I was blatantly provoked. But since I really am unfamiliar with healthy ways of dealing with this, things are only getting worse.
I realize that I need help, an outlet. And I've been reaching out for months now, to no avail. So I'm here night after night unable to sleep trying to contain all this.
I don't know what to do....
Hi, Lucian. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It's very hard to lose a parent. Hopefully, your heart will begin to mend in time. As for the rage, I believe that mindfulness exercises might help you. Regular discussions are hosted every week. You can find the schedule here. https://www.7cups.com/forum/MindfulnessSupportCommunity_106/TeamAnnouncements_1365/MindfulnessSessionScheduleSeptember25thOctober15th_88524/
You can also find a ton of exercises here https://www.7cups.com/exercises/mindfulness/?showlist=1.
I hope those help you in some way. Welcome to 7 Cups!
Thank You. I'm grateful.
I was wondering how you are doing. I understand the rage and how overwhelming It feels. It is the most painful of all feelings, to me anyway. It has led to some impulsive acts that I couldn't mend. So I try to keep rage and anger separate from emotions. I recently lost my Dad and I don't know if I grieved because I always try not think about him. People grieve in differently.
@LucianX
Hi Jeff, wonderful to meet you!
It sounds like youve really been going through a hard time. Losing someone is one of the hardest things to go through, especially when that someone is your mother. Her having to deal with Parkinson's Disease must've also really took a toll on you, and i cant imagine the pain you must be going through.
Grief can be unexpected and unpredictable; you may experience feelings you weren't expecting. It's important to realize that your relationship with the person who died was unique, and so will your grieving process.
When someone dies after a long terminal illness, those who were close to them may have already experienced anticipatory grief. This is an emotional reaction to loss that occurs before it occurs. For a long time, there is usually acceptance of the death. If this has happened to you, and you've experienced grieving before the death, it may lessen your sense of loss at the time of death and influence how you grieve.
Some people are numb when a loved one passes away, but later experience great sadness. Celebrations, anniversaries, surroundings, or even persons who remind you of the one who died can all provoke these powerful times. It's possible that there'll be no trigger at all. It's difficult to say whether grief will come later. Sometimes we tend to find ways to cope with the loss even if its not grieving, in your case it may be anger.
It sounds like your inability to mourn right now has really been frustrating you, which is absolutely valid. I understand why small things would be setting you off, you're going through a really hard time right now with no where to really turn to and no way to express what you're feeling. The situation that you're in has lead to a feeling of not knowing what to do. Im so sorry you're going through all this, i can assure you though, you certainly aren't alone. We are all here for you. I recently lost someone very close to me so i really understand your pain and your struggle, you will be okay. No matter the process i promise you, you are going to be just fine.
Dealing with delayed grief can be such an overwhelming situation, may i ask what and who your support system is right now? It sounds like its been a little bit since you've lost her, usually the first few weeks can be the hardest. Since her death, how have you been coping with all of this? Have you been able to share your feelings to anyone? Moving forward can be so incredibly hard, so please do take small steps along the healing process. One step at a time and i promise the pain and the loss with get easier. You got this, okay?
You're definitely not alone and i can assure you you'll be alright.
" When we lose someone we love, we must learn not to live without them, but instead we need to learn to live with the love that they left behind"
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
Yet another source of frustration is that I have no support. None.
I reached out to the local mental health outpatient facility for therapy last July. I finally heard something concrete from this past February. 7 months later. In the meantime I've simply stewed in my frustration and anger. I have excellent insurance but reaching to even apps such as 7Cups for therapy requires payment regardless which in my mind is nothing less than greed.
For a therapy app to charge both the individual and their insurance company is unethical and very shady at best.
More frustration....
@LucianX
Hi Jeff! Great to hear from you again.
It sounds like you don have much support around you right now, which isn't good to hear at all. Last July compared to this February is a long time, i can imagine that made you feel super disheartened. I'm so sorry to hear that in those months its been just a vicious circle of frustration and anger, after losing your mom, trying to get help but being stuck in that way must be so overwhelming.
I honestly cant imagine what you're going through right now, it sounds like you really want to get help, but right now its been really hard to find that. I understand why you would be frustrated over the fact that therapy is quite pricey even with your insurance.
Im so sorry that on top of not being well, and still dealing with the grief/anger of losing your mother, you're dealing with the frustration of trying to find help. I dont believe that help/ support should be used to suck money out of people, and if i were in your situation i would be frustrated and overwhelmed too.
I can imagine that your pain right now is at its top, i want to remind you that again you aren't alone. I know that it really must feel that way, but *feeling* alone while being in such a vulnerable situation is not a good state to be in.
How does connecting with some live listeners sound? Sometimes finding a long term listener, someone who can be there for you just to hear you out can really help with the grief, anger, and frustration. On top of it, do you have any hobbies/activities you enjoy doing? A good step to healing is trying to get your life back on track, hobbies is also a good way to distract yourself. I also looked at some other posts in your thread, and some have some super helpful resources! Do you think looking into some of these might help you? How are some ways *you* think you can get through/ cope with this while waiting on professional help? We're here to support you through your healing process. Even if listeners aren't trained professionally enough to give advice on how you can heal yourself, we're all here to encourage you and help you through these tough times.
We are all rooting for you, and again, you got this!! Thank you for sharing! I hope you get through this stronger then ever.
You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. Youve been hurt, but youre pushing through this with so much beautiful strength. Think of what more this wonderful world has to give, what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the wonderful things that you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty! We must keep putting one foot in front of another, even when we are at our lowest, because we never know what's waiting for us around the bend. How i see it, sometimes we need to put up with the rain in order to see the sunshine
All the best,
Dahlia
Thank You Dahlia for your wonderful reply.
I have 2 brothers, neither one visits, or even calls. I was in the local hospital emergency room 2 days ago suffering from issues related to COPD and extremely elevated blood sugar levels.
I had to walk home.
I had no money for a taxi. There's no bus service here.
It was a 1 1/2 mile walk. I have diabetic neuropathy and gout in my right foot so the walk was extremely painful.
I have no one except Ruby, my little dog.
No one.
I tell you this to maybe better explain my current physical and mental health situation. I literally feel totally hopeless.
I am not nor have I ever been a suicidal person. I suppose if I had such tendencies I would be a prime candidate.
I'm simply exhausted and it often seems like I have nowhere to turn to.
Hey, LucianX
It's quite sad to know what you're going though and the fact that you're going through it alone😞😔. I know it is overwhelming and right now, but I believe you'll get better. I am quite new on here but I would say the few days I've been here has quite better for me than I've been in months if not years.
I would advise you join a group and join a share circle, you are always welcome to share your thoughts, experience and troubles..
@LucianX
Hi there Jeff! Im so happy to hear from you,
From what i understand is, you do have a few brothers who dont tend to visit at all. My heart breaks for you, Jeff. I see your situation as being a very lonely overwhelming one. I cant imagine being in the hospital and having to walk home, not only that, walk home alone. I do want to let you know that, that alone shows a great deal of incredible strength in your character.
I only can start to imagine how it must've felt to be in that horrible pain, and having to walk such a distance home with no one to take care of you, and no money for a taxi. Even though its a little small, im glad you have your little dog at least.
It sounds like that along with your mental health situation, your physical health has also been hard to deal with. I definitely understand why you would feel like youre in a hopeless situation, Im glad to hear, through it all it hasnt led to suicidal tendencies, i understand how incredibly overwhelming it all must feel, like youre locked in a box with no one to help you out.
I truly hear you pain, Jeff. I really do, it sounds like youve really been feeling this way for a long time. Loneliness is hard to deal with, but youre not just going through loneliness, you're dealing with so much more.
If i were in your situation i would feel incredibly exhausted and burnt out as well. Humans arent meant to be in such lonely states, we all need other humans to thrive. Im so sorry for all you're going through. Sometimes our worlds can really seem to crash down on us. I hope you know that youre such a important, significant, special, worthy, amazing, and strong human. You have so many people who are thinking of you, even if a times it may not seem that way. As a random stranger here, your story is important, the hard times we end up going through, create the emotional parts. I firmly believe that sometimes the universe puts us through all of this to test how we can get ourselves out of it, no doubt it knows what a strong, amazing, great human you are. I know it all seems like a dead end right now, and that there are no other ways to get through it, but there are ways, you will get through it. The sun always always rises after a dark night, and even if it takes some time, we always have the moon to keep us shining. When life gives you a thousand reasons to break down and cry, show life that you have a million reasons to smile and stay happy. Stay strong always, Jeff.
"Never fear shadows, they simply mean that there is light shining somewhere nearby"
Thank you very much for sharing with me once again.
All the best,
Dahlia
Have you been able to find an anger management group near you? Often times hospitals have emotional support courses, including those for anger. If not they could probably recommend a resource. Sometimes churches do too, but it's your call if you'd be comfortable in that setting. Even colleges and universities sometimes offer help. Usually it's graduate students working on a master's or PhD to become licensed therapists, and they would be under the guidance of a professor who would also be a qualified therapist/psychologist/etc.
It sounds like the days leading up to your mother's passing were very traumatic, and I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Everyone grieves differently, and everyone experiences depression differently. I'm not prone to anger or rage (I'm more the dispair/meaninglessness type, hah) but to me it sounds like you do have a lot to be angry about. Parkinson's is a terrible disease that can make you feel like your loved one is being taken from you before they've even passed. Some people might feel sad about that, others might be engaged at the unfairness of the cards that are delt. Maybe other things have caused reason for anger as well, the health care system, behavior of other family members, all the paper work and legal junk involved, the financial burden of health care, debt collectors that continue to harass you regarding the deceased's past debts...
I highly doubt your anger is unfounded. I hope you can find a professional and/or support group that can help you process this, unpack the past traumas, and learn to control it better. (By the way, good for you and thank you for not taking it out on other people. It's a sign that you DO have control over this, but that you just need more training to get it fully controlled.) Good luck to you!
@LucianX REad book " HEal ur mind" , louise hay
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. Your feelings are valid and not being able to greive is horrible as you feel stuck and everyone is moving around you. Or at least that is how I felt. One way that help me prompt emotions were to write a letter with all my feeling. I put mine in a bottle and threw it in the sea. But you could burn it. It was just a safe space to get all the emotions I was not ready to voice out of my brain even just for a few minutes.
Finding a physical outlet for anger is important. Once that is inside you, it needs out. Sports such as boxing with a bag can be good for this or having a workout planned for when the anger comes at night. Especially since lack of sleep will intensify all emotions. These are just things that worked for me but I hope it helps a little.
Sorry, I am not in the USA so have no recommendations for services.
@LucianX
First, I want to tell you that I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone and not fully being able to grieve is really difficult. The grieving process can take years, though, so be kind to yourself.
I have gone into blind rages, which are really terrifying. It's been decades since that has happened, but I never want it to happen again.
Your post is timely for me. About a week ago, I realized how angry I was. The sadness I feel, is it sadness or anger? My goal now is trying to find the source of that anger.
I am glad you're looking for help to deal with what you're going through. That is the most important step.
Hi! Are you familiar with homeopathy? I strongly suggest you to take homeopathic medicine. My mom is a homeopathic doctor, and after discovering how it works for myself a few years ago, I could not be able to maintain a good mental heath without them. I’m an empath, and I easily become unbalanced and I know what it is to struggle. It is so normal to feel angry, it would be unnatural if you did not. I feel like when I start experiencing symptoms like that, it could be even from keeping yourself too strong for far too long, or being humiliated by someone, you name it, taking the right remedy changes the mechanisms inside me and slowly creates a breakthrough towards a more balanced, healthy state. There are acute cases where it gets clearer on what the problem is. The primary remedies I take are Staphysagria and Ignatia amara. I struggle with loss too sometimes, be it a place, a person or even an idea or previous experiences. For a few times in the past I experienced a very strange symptom: I would cry and then turn to laugh and then to crying again-I realized often it was in the context of an impossible love I was dealing with. but it doesn’t have to be that particularly. This is the best image of an Ignatia individual: so composed, making themselves so strong, that the only moment of vulnerability is when laughter occurs, so then the true feelings come flooding uncontrollably. Remedies don’t solve everything and one must learn to make healthier decisions for themselves, but they do work and they do help like magic. The fact that you feel like you need help and are searching for an outlet is really amazing. We should always be responsible for how what we do could affect others. Just know that being angry doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a good one, one that is not complacent.
