Know that I tried
If few years from now.. I am someone nobody from my present and my past would be proud of.. If i become someone whose existence becomes a threat to the existence of others.. know that I tried.. every single time.. when i had a choice to be that and to not be that i chose to not be.. if i become a threat.. know i was made into this way.. carefully and thoughtfully by ppl around me with or without intention but I was forced to become Smthing my younger self would never be proud of but my current self found it the most reasonable way to put an end to all of it.. I won't be sorry.. Nor would i want anyone to regret over anything they did.. but One thing is certain i would owe no explanation to anyone.. bcz just like i had a choice to not be that way till the ultimate day ,when i might finally chose to be threat to others, everyone else who were a part of the process had the choice to end it too.. but just like them my will power couldn't stand it.. and them and me both took decisions we were destined to be taking.. and eventually leading to catastrophic event sponsored by my strength.. that day might never come.. Coz i don't know how losing feels like nor am i planning to be servant to my sufferings but If at all i do.. just know i tried i tried until the very last cell of my body failed to convince me to not take the way, (which i felt was my purpose since my childhood!)
Maybe it's God's plan after all.. probably it's not a test of will but it's pure guidance towards the path i was meant to take in this crowded place.. but at some point of my life just like any other normal person i forgot my true purpose and chose to find a new purpose in the purpose of the crowd.. So i won't hate on anyone or anything.. i was meant to be this way sooner or later.. if not for these ones some others would have done exactly what they did.. in order to remind me of my true purpose my true powers.. & Just like every beautiful journey comes to an end but every end is beginning of something new.. maybe not for the better of rest of the world.. but for me? definitely.
Know that i tried but also know that i failed
Know who i might become but also try to know what all led me to become so.
That's all.
Thank you if you read this.
@oneamongstyou285
Um this really sounds concerning, I'm sorry to intrude but just wanted to check on you 🥺 is you oki?
would you like to share what prompted you to say this?
It's a chain of events happening around me one after another.. not coming to an end.. With me losing more of myself, with every single one.. The same toxic environment running on a loop around me almost everyone sponsoring it for different reasons since more than a year.. can't & won't explain in detail.. but it's just everyone without exception.. while they could just be silent and let me change.. they either fill me with unwanted hate or with unnecessary advices.. ultimately both lead me to hate these people for their very existence.. If at all i lose all the love i have for some people and end up being a threat to my own species.. Let them know I tried.. I tried with all the might.. I tried all i could.. but i failed.. maybe the world wasn't meant to have me loving them.. It was always meant to be hated.. every single incident and problem i have been through which couldn't do a % harm to me but always made me lose more of the respect or love i wanted to have for the people, points in that direction.. i have no Idea who i am meant to be.. why am i given such a mentally creative and analytical mind that doesn't let me rest for a second..even in my dreams!! but then when i see how much everyone hates me.. maybe i know it's God guiding me.. on this very path i used to refuse to walk on in the name of God earlier.. the path of hatred for all the Evil, as per my understanding..
@oneamongstyou285 I understand you're struggling and have conflicting thoughts as a consequence, part of which is not you, because you want to try and do better <3
would you consider reaching out to someone who can help you in this difficult time?
No..i don't think i need to reach out to anyone else now.. a person, a really amazing one replied to me on another post in forum.. reading which and i m over such thoughts now .. Thanks for your concern
@oneamongstyou285 Hi. You may find that hurting others will only make your pain worse. Because you are hurting does not mean that you are bad or that you failed. Almost certainly you have been failed by others. You can try again, and I really hope you do.
that's precisely why i m stll trying.. since a long long time.. and can keep doing that for longer.. but don't know how longer.. so if at all it's the case that might nvr be the case that i stop trying and choose the other way.. know how much i tried to not resort to that.. know that my evil nature came to the surface but also know how hard i tried to suppress it..
@oneamongstyou285
The one who loves you is the one who guides you, and he is the one who cares about you. A person may go through a stage in which he wants to convince himself that he is lonely and hated by all the world. This is just a stage and it will end. As for when a person does some bad things, this does not mean that he is bad, but The important thing is not to hurt people
But this stage as you call it.. is leaving an ever lasting effect on my way of thinking about others.. I am left with No empathy for others.. with Not even one person showing up,to do what i wud have done if our places were switched is exactly why i can't find sense in treating people the same nice way anymore.. My mind consistently wants me(but my will power doesn't let it) utilise people for my own purposes without ever forming any bonds of any kind with them.. or in the worst case scenario hurt them as much create the same hell for them for the same amount of time and observe how they react to it..
I am yet to hurt anyone i am still able distinguish between the right & wrongs but i cannot assure anyone of the future.. that's precisely why i want to confess this anonymously here to anyone who reads it.. "Know that i tried"
I know that you are hurting. I know how painful it is. Just imagine for a second if you do hurt the people that have hurt you, imagine the people that will be left hurting because of those actions...the sisters or brothers, mothers or fathers. Imagine the cycle. They will want to cause pain, and then the next person, and the next...what is it really accomplishing in the end? More pain and suffering. Imagine that the person that has caused you pain, was hurt by someone just like you. That was hurt by someone else. That the people who have hurt you, are feeling those exact same feelings. Will you continue the cycle, or end it with you? Will you choose forgiveness? Even though it is hard? So that others don't have to suffer the way that you are? Please don't make anyone else feel the way you are. I know it's hard. I know it's not right...what they did to you...I know it's hard...but, choose not to hurt, so the ones that didn't cause pain don't have to suffer. They don't deserve that pain. You'll only be hurting them, not the ones that hurt you. ❤️❤️❤️
