Seeking Support- Spouse cheated on me and we're heading for divorce

@ZombieLife89

I am sorry you are facing this.....sometimes it is hard to leave as finances and other ties take time to unravel.

IMO his placing fault on you or comparison is just deflecting his guilt. It is really w cowards way to try to blame you.

He KNOWS whose fault this is...you can and should focus on you not to change for him but to change for you ... to be strong for whatever you face be it a divorce or what takes more grit a reconciliation...... whichever way you go

if you reach out to others please remember that only you know your feelings and what you want people think it is easier to deal with ...... just divorce but in reality for some that is a tough decision.

@toughTiger6481

Thank you so much for your kind words and I'll try to keep this is in mind...

@ZombieLife89

Been there... Done that... Barely lived to tell about it...

My story is so riddled with psychological abuses that I'm actually still actively trying to debug my head from all the toxic aftermath and "software viruses" that my unfaithful spouse and her cult happy enablers force-fed into my head over the 30 year atomic-dumpster-train wreck of a marriage I was in.

On the plus side, I do feel uniquely qualified to outbitch most anyone I've ever shared personal horror stories with.

I think the album title "Red Pill Blues" says it all in a nutshell. (And for a couple of years or so... I was the nutshell with a belfry full of bat guano that I didn't even smell until I woke up and smelled the red pill coffee that had to get spilled like boiling water in a head on collision...right into the lap of my life like fire...to wake me up out of my delusional unicorn reality of thinking that my lying wife actually had sanity and love in that pretty little head of hers).

Do I still sound a little upset over it all? Heavens to Betsy, I sure hope not! 😱 (Sarcasm intended to show proper contempt for any invalidating, Stuart Smalley reader-advisers out there:)https://youtu.be/bd3g0K9KlBI

@MhanSolo Wow. 30 years is a whole lifetime. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. My marriage has been just 3 years and it's been so painful so I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. If this can happen even after 30 years together, well...hmm.

Hi Zombie,

Don't let demean you. He cheated. It's his way of trying to make you feel responsible for his behavior. Know that you will get over it and that you will meet a man who will appreciate all you have to offer and more.

@ShakenNotStirred932 Thank you for your kind words Shaken. It is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I am doing my best to stay optimistic.

You will find the way. It will take some time. Remember, when a door closes, a window opens.

@ShakenNotStirred932 Thank you

It will get better, his behaviour is manipulative and toxic and he's doing it to lay blame at your feet instead of his own. Spend the time you have before things completely end to build yourself back get out and do things to boost your confidence and surround yourself with supportive people when the time comes for you to fully walk away you may feel scared but not completely overwhelmed, you got this never forget that!

@sinkinganddisappearing Thank you for the good advice. I hope I can do all this.

@ZombieLife89

Hi,

I would like to start by saying that I'm very sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation. I understand it is very complicated and hurtful situation, but it gets better. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for seeing the harmful behaviour of your spouse (gaslighting, manipulating, insulting you) and acting on it. They seem to not want tot take any responsibility for their actions and want to control you. I am glad you were able to see through his behaviour and make the best decision for yourself.

It may be hard now, but it gets better with time. And you'll feel better too, because you deserve so much more! You deserve to be truly loved, appreciated and happy. We are here for you! <3

Lots of love and wish you the best!

@happysunflower94 Thank you so much! I do feel a bit better hearing all these kind, supportive words. I hope I'm in a better place a year from now. Thank you

@ZombieLife89 ,Hi there

I'm so upset to hear about that. Actually, I'm not a psychologist and in fact, don't even a therapist, but am a fan of them. I'd like to suggest you think about some special facts that you mentioned, but may probably have forgotten to explain more about. first, let me refer to user @toughTiger6481 's last sentence and tell you it's right. for us who are out of the box, it's just as easy as the word "divorce" is said. In reality, just those who are involved in it know how much effect can have. So, I'm just going to turn your attention to some blur parts of your puzzle and hope you take it as advice that I try to make your condition more simple.

First, you told your spouse cheated on you and blamed you for that! I want you to notice that whatever he/she blames you for is the key point and answer to the question of, why she/he cheated.

Already you talked about gaslit and something that kept playing mentally with you. They even refused to accept any responsibility! Following, you said that have got compared with her and even they demand that you change yourself because nobody would want you as who you are! I would guess they should be who are the important parts of your life, as you can't take them away. They could be the family or any dependency you may have in your current condition and have relied on them. (But let me tell you something based on personal experience. Someone who wants happiness for you is definitely the one wish you a good future. Although, it may not be right vice versa always. especially when they are talking about your personality and the changes you should confirm to have get accepted).

In the end, your future is significantly related to your points of view. connected to what you think about yourself, your abilities and your beliefs. your opinion about getting divorced. because you have got compared with someone else, I really suggest not doing it unless you are sure about yourself and your decision. In this way, you won't be shamefaced about what you have done and could have got by being pretty different from who you are.

@OfHi

Hi there, thank you for responding. But I am not sure I fully understand what you're trying to say? Are you saying I need to change those things in me and not want divorce...or?

@ZombieLife89

Oho so I am guessing he moved your rival in?

Do you have legal marriage papers?

Get outta there get a lawyer do not delay a thing.

He doesn't have all the power if you are legally married go bust his cheating balls. You can do it!!!

I been there.

@RogueOne1983 Hi there, no he didn't do that yet. We are from different countries and live as expats in a third country. So it isn't as simple as that and we married according to his country laws which are biased towards men. But even with all that, I don't really want to create more harm. I just want things to end peacefully. Thank you for the support though. I appreciate it. :)

Take care of yourself and make sure you keep in touch with friends so you have some support.

@ZombieLife89 ok well it is difficult and painful. Take care of yourself you deserve it!!

Second husband cheated and smeared my rep.

I was vindicated and he died. Drug addiction is a dangerous deadly lifestyle.

Take care of you!!!

@RogueOne1983 Hi, I am so sorry to hear that. Wow...I hope things are better for you now. Take care as well ♡

@ZombieLife89 Yeah much better. I even found love again and I swore off men!!

But I was independent by then; I had my own place; I had done a lot of work, internal and external.

Did not repeat the pattern therefore. Because for me it was a pattern and 2nd marriage was my "hit bottom." I no longer allow people to hurt me. If they try I bite, zero apologies.

@ZombieLife89 oh and I gotta song for you too

https://youtu.be/RMYL9-ghVeE

@ZombieLife89

I am sorry you have to face and deal with the negative of humanity and relationships. Especially when the loved ones hurt you.

You are obviously a strong person for you are here and sharing your feelings with us. That takes courage and strength!

It would be helpful to talk with a Listener. You can find the list here . They are there to help you sort through all noise of life.

Many of us has been in your shoes (including me) we all have what we have done and how we have handled the situation(s) ourselves. Just remember ”You Are The Expert of You!”

Our Advice is what had worked (or didn’t) but that doesn’t mean it would or would not work for you. So chat with a Listener and sort through the noise so a decision with rational can be composed.

We believe in you J

@Barltik2065 Thank you so much for those encouraging words. I hope I can safely make it through as well to the other side. I will try to keep your words in my mind.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. I can’t say I’ve been through a situation like that, but did experience my parents divorcing from each other along with a lot of fighting and codependency. They always ended up back together (divorced three times from each other, and now married again). It sounds like you’ve been in an abusive situation for a long time. A lot of times when people do to others what your husband is doing to you, it’s about control and also that he might be afraid of you being your best self. Because he knows deep down that you have what it takes to exist without him and be happy, so he tries to tear that down. I can imagine how much pain this is causing you…. The feelings of betrayal, rejection, questioning your self worth, the fear of not knowing if you can support yourself, and then grieving the loss of love and your marriage on top of all of that! You are allowed to feel every feeling that you’re having, and don’t ever let him make you think that you caused any of this! And he knows it. Otherwise he wouldn’t be trying so hard to convince you that you’re nothing without him! It’s terrifying I bet, but I believe that things that are uncomfortable and terrifying produce the best results after we get through them. I haven’t been through this situation before but I’m here if you need to vent or need a pick me up. Also remember, there is spousal support and maintenance so if you e never worked before or in a long time, the judge will recognize that during the divorce hearing. So that might help a bit. Have things always been like this within your marriage to him?

@Tiffers42 this was super helpful to me I am glad you posted it thanks!

This really touched and motivated me. Thank you so much for reaching out to me in such kindness. It means a lot. Thank you...this really helped.

Yes, it kind of like was this from the very beginning. Just got worse with time.

You’re so welcome! Sometimes we need to be reminded of our worth, importance, and power to thrive. That’s a long time to have to endure all of that. *Hugs*.

@ZombieLife89

When aman wanna go or have another girl he creates excuses to make himself not to feel guilty about his wife/girlfriend and those excuses will definitely harm his wife/girlfriend but, he will think only about himself.

It will never happen that his inner voice will say your wife is perfect go and cheat on her so to make that voice shut up he should make excuses to say to his inner voice.

About being afraid, let's say that you never met wouldn't you find a job and depend on yourself?

The life is not a man if he chooses to leave don't hold because sometimes letting go is less painful than holding.

How to avoid fate arrows? Be next to the archer and it won't hit you.

Allah will fix everything and he knows well what will heal you, believe in Allah plans and don't worry.

@YahyaAhmed How to avoid fate arrows? Be next to the archer and it won't hit you.

Like that muchly thanks!

@RogueOne1983

You are welcome 💐

Thank you Yahya for reaching out. It means a lot to me that you cared so much to write to me still and encourage me. You are absolutely right and I should not treat it as the end of the world.

Nice line about the arrows :)

Thank you again for helping me.

@ZombieLife89

I wish you the best and that situation ends sooner than later.🙏🏻