I cheated
I know some of you may call me an *** for cheating and I know that already and also English is not my first language. I cheated on my gf for seven months I don't know why I did it. I feel so lost and confused rn because I'm not a *** or anything of the sorts. This is my first time doing something like this and it's taking a toll on me. I'm having difficulty getting past this because of how guilty I'm feeling. I want to apologize to my gf and the person I cheated with but I don't know how to talk to them. I regret everything and I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn't know what to do. I'm just so lost right now and I need some advice.
Hey.
First of all. You're not alone. I have been where you are. Seriously. And I'm not ashamed anymore to admit it.
You made a mistake. And that mistake hurt you, and has hurt the other two people, too.
There is good news, though. You can come clean (it's hard, believe me, I know it's hard), you can apologize (they may be really hurt and not be able to accept your apology), and you can make amends.
I'm not going to call you names. I'm not going to shame you for making a mistake. But I will tell you the truth about your mistake. The consequences are probably going to hurt. Accept them. They might be steep. But remember that you accepted those consequences when you made the choice.
But you have to take accountability for your actions.
But you know what you were doing was wrong, and you feel guilty and regretful. This shows your character. It means you have a conscience. It means you have a moral compass. It means, that even though shame is going to speak to you and tell you all sorts of nasty things, don't allow it to turn toxic. It will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What is done is done. The sooner you come clean, apologize, and begin to make amends, the sooner you will be able to move on from the past.
Do not expect any particular outcome. You committed to your girlfriend, and you violated that commitment. You cannot expect forgiveness from either party, as that is theirs to give.
No, I don't think you're an ***. I think you made a mistake you're genuinely sorry for, feel sick with guilt and remorse about, and want to be honest and come clean about it. And it's scary. It really is.
If you keep hiding it and don't come clean, it will poison you from the inside out.
To remedy the issue, explore what led to you making those choices. What were you feeling? What was going on with your relationship? Consider speaking with a therapist or other professional to help you get to the root. You can get to know why you chose that, and meet the need for yourself so that you don't hurt yourself or partner with this anymore.
Your partner also deserves honesty. Better she hears it from you than the girl you've been cheating with. It will be way worse should someone else hold you accountable for this.
I wish you the best of luck. You seem young. You've made a mistake.
Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up will only make things worse. Let the people you've hurt heal, including yourself. Discover what it is that led you to do that. Resolve it. Come clean. Apologize. Don't make that apology about you and how you're feeling. Make it about the people you've hurt.
Then, forgive yourself. Yes. Read that again. Forgive yourself. Do better. Move on. And allow those you've hurt to move on, too.
@OhLookItsRay Hey thanks for the advice unfortunately the girl I cheated with told my girlfriend first so I couldn't tell her first but I did come clean and did tell her everything. I still feel super guilty for what I did it hurts me too even though I'm the one who cheated do you have any advice on how to cope with the aftermath? I'm having trouble with guilty and almost resorted to self harm last night. I would appreciate it if you do have some pieces of advice on how to cope. Thank you so much.
How to cope.
Making living amends. Live your life going forward making amends for your mistake.
Do your best never to repeat it. Speak to someone, anyone, preferably a professional, who can help you sort through the feelings you're feeling.
Sit with the pain you feel and let it teach you something. Don't avoid it.
Don't wallow in the guilt. Feel it, and the remorse, but don't wallow.
Get up in the morning. Find some tool, some practice, and regulate your emotions. Remind yourself gently. Reparent the behavior surrounding the need going unmet that led you to cheating.
Forgive yourself. You made a mistake. Talk to your inner child.
"You made a mistake. You are human, and you make mistakes. We will learn from this mistake together and won't repeat this mistake."
Even in your mistake, remember that you are worthy of love. Seek support, be it a support group or a therapist. I recommend looking at the 12 steps of recovery. It is usually geared toward addiction, but I've found it helpful with self-compassion in my own mistakes.
Don't tell anyone. Just do it. Just live differently. Sit down with yourself in silence as frequently as you can tolerate. Write out all the things you're feeling. Handwritten is better, but you can use your phone. Get to the root of why you felt the need to do it in the first place. What unmet need, what desire, what was it that led to it?
Focus on change. Don't change to get someone back or prove anything to anyone else except yourself. Your guilt exists to teach you you did something wrong.
I suspect, though, that if self-harm is coming up for you, that you are also struggling with shame. Self-hatred won't do anything helpful, and trust me when I say I greatly empathize, but it will only make it worse. Speaking from experience. Punishing yourself isn't going to help you. It won't "make you a better person."
The way you make up for your mistake is by understanding why you made it. It will take time to do that, and a commitment, as well as willingness to set down your self-hatred. It will be difficult and hard, but don't worry. You can do hard things.
@OhLookItsRay Hey again your advice has actually helped me a bit and I started feeling a bit hopeful thanks but I don't really have any money for professional help. Do you have any other recommendations beside that? I'm just 16 and not really making money lol. And different things come up whenever I search the 12 stages can you send me a link to that? I would appreciate it a ton! I'd also want to ask if you have any stuff to help me become clean on self harm.
You're 16. You're so young.
You're still growing and learning.
You really need to tell someone you're struggling with this. A trusted adult. A teacher, a counselor at your education institution. Someone you can trust to treat you with kindness and empathy.
Self-harm is usually a coping mechanism for big feelings. Feelings that feel overwhelming. You're still a minor, if you're in the US, you should be able to receive free support via your school or institution. You're not alone. I've struggled with self-harm and self-sabotage for a really long time.
You can't really do it by yourself. You'll need support. Struggling with that is hard, and trying to quit on your own without support can potentially be dangerous.
I understand all the feelings that come with not wanting to or feeling like you can't reach out. But you need to, for your safety. I promise there are resources available somewhere, especially if you're in the US, UK, or any other Western country.
The 12 steps are available on the Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and Codependents Anonymous websites, respectively. You can do a quick Google search to find them. (I don't have a link.)
I urge you to please reach out to a trusted adult or family member and ask for some help in overcoming this. You obviously want to get better, as you're here asking for help. Please consider reaching out to someone. Please be safe.
@OhLookItsRay unfortunately I'm not from the us or the UK I'm from the Philippines where there is not much mental healthcare or healthcare that I cant get for free. I also don't really have any adult I can tell as I'm not really close to any even with my parents. I'll definitely look in to the other stuff you said so I can live with this. Thank you so much for the help so far.
I'm sorry to hear that you don't have support where you are.
If you can't get adequate support there, please remember you have support here.
You are not alone and don't have to go through anything by yourself. It can feel like that sometimes.
Your English is fantastic. Just saying.
I don't fully understand Filipino culture, but I know it can be difficult to address mental health issues.
Remember you're not alone. We have support forums, chats, and listeners here that can support you anytime you need.
It's going to be hard. I know that from experience. But I believe in you, young one. You have so much in you you don't even see yet. And that's okay. You'll begin to see it in time as you journey forward. Please don't give up on you. I'm not going to.
We are always here, stronger together, no matter what mistakes, struggles, and things life throws our way.
You are not alone. You don't have to go through this alone.
Stay in touch, even just on this thread. I'll respond when I can. You'll have to tell me about Filipino culture. I'm really curious about it.
Please be kind to yourself. You can make this journey. Thank you so much for having the courage to reach out. I sense a tender heart in you.
The world judges. But we can choose not to. We have shared humanity.
hii there,
i know it feels bad because the only reason you're so bothered is because you're still a good person and please don't deny that.
i mean, of course cheating is not a honest behaviour but humans make mistake especially we're still trying to learn how to love or be loved, and there are just so many things we have to deal with in a relationship, it is indeed hard to maintain a freshing relationship.
But I am still sure that you will learn all of these in the future.
what I recommend is to tell your girlfriend the true because things have happened and it is unfair to her to be blinded to the truth, and at least telling her shows that you're brave and you may live in less guilt, but that depends on you.
Dont forget the lesson but just take it as part of your life experiences. Also, please remember that humans are imperfect, we all make mistakes but in different aspects, don't deny your other strengths!❤️❤️
@MZhang I came clean to my girlfriend not too long ago and I feel really bad and super guilty. I don't know what to do rn and I'm super lost. Do you have any advice on how can I cope with what I'm feeling? I just want the pain and guilty to end already.
Hey there ,
I know that the feelings of shame guilt and can be overwhelming
You're probably thinking " why did I do this ? What's wrong with me ? How can I make such a mistake ? I didn't expect myself to commit an act like this ? What does it make me now ? Am I still good person ? How can I trust myself again ? " . You might feel shocked that you did this . You're judging yourself here .
but you know what ?
We are humans , we are flawed since birth ... some mistakes happen that's it , no matter how self aware we could be , sometimes we just let our guards down , we can be weak and vulnerable.
Sometimes the most we can do , is to actually admit that we made a mistake and take full responsibility.
Sadly we just cant breakup with ourselves , we have to learn to live with every piece that makes who we are especially the ugly ones . We can be ugly sometimes and that's OK.
Let me you tell you something , making a mistake is not that dramatic, it can even be a blessing .
A mistake like yours shattered the " perfect" image that you have of yourself , your ego got punched in the face , it's a good thing.
To acknowledge that you have flaws , that you can be vulnerable forces you to develop compassion towards yourself and acceptance because you don't have any other choice, that's the only to live peacefully with yourself . Also , you learn to face your responsibilities . Learn to forgive yourself. Avoid judgment . Try to understand what pushed to cheat ( with compassion) .
I know you are hurt but don't you worry , I have dealt with this feeling and it will pass . In the meantime, find some compassionate and nice company so that you don't feel alone . You are 16 yo , that's young ! One day you will look back and realise that you're just a kid . For the moment , don't get too soon in a new relationship , give yourself time to heal .
Don't be hard on yourself and focus on yout studies ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for writing this. This is really compassionate and helped me have compassion on myself today.
My pleasure ! ❤️❤️ have a nice day ^^
@Windyevening Thank you for writing this. This gave me a new perspective on things, Instead of trying to fix it I'm now thinking if I should just live with it. I'd like to hear your thoughts about that as I'm really struggling right now. Thank you.
Hey ^^
We can't erase emotions , we don't have this option
Some people try to run away from them by numbing the pain with addiction and that's for sure the worst alternative .
The healthy alternative is acceptance , can you really erase your emotions or go back in time and prevent this mistake ? No
But can you learn from it , accept how your feel and become a better person and prevent this mistake in the future ? Absolutely
You are complaining of this despicable pain although this same despicable pain is pushing you to open your eyes .
Accept it , accept your mistakes , learn from them , face them and never run away .
It will hurt for a moment but it will pass . Be brave
Mistakes can be a blessing sometimes : I used to judge harshly myself and the people around me , but I made a mistake once that made me realise that these faux pas that were unacceptable to me , are mostly made out of weakness ( the reasons weren't evil) .
To sum up what I want to say : accept it the way it is , face it don't run away , give yourself time to heal , you will reach acceptance , compassion and ultimately forgiveness at some point .
Now , calmly try to understand the thought process that led you to your mistake that's the first step .
Do not rush into a new relationship and focus on yourself .
You have hurt 3 people not 2 : the 2 girls and yourself
And focus on your studies ( I might sound like an old person but believe me this is necessary)
@brightTortoise3478 I am very proud of you. At 16, you did what many adults (including me!) have difficulty with: you acknowledged and took responsibility for your mistake, and you now know not to make the same mistake in the future. You confessed and expressed how sorry you are. I know the guilt is difficult, I've experienced it too, but I promise, you have every reason in the world to forgive yourself and to love yourself. You are a good human :)
@ricktgarrett I've confessed everything but now unfortunately word spread around the school that I cheated. I'm now having problems with my social life as a lot of people are wary of me. I really don't know what to do now as I'm really struggling
I admire you for the bravery it took to confess your mistake and now face the ramifications. It takes a strong and good person to do that. Just see it through, one day at a time. Focus on forgiving yourself and loving yourself…one way to do this by keeping up with yours studies. Another way is to explore why you made the mistake and how you can avoid doing it again…it’s how we all learn and grow. Your social life will improve, people will let this go…for now, seek out those who aren’t acting wary of you. Treat yourself like you would a best friend…show yourself compassion, listen, and give yourself patience as you learn through all of this. It will be ok. :)
@brightTortoise3478
You know, I am over triple your age, and believe me: life is long enough to make mistakes.
I understand you might be not proud of what happened. But I am glad you took it like a man: no denying, no cheap excuses, no self-whipping, just admitting your mistake, taking the consequences, and wanting to learn from that.
The fact that you did something wrong does not make you not deserve to live or not worth of being loved at all. We are on Earth, not in Heaven. We are here to make mistakes.
You cannot change the (near) past. But you can still do good things in near and distance future to bring back the right balance. But to do that you have to stay in a good shape and alive.
Please, do not hesitate to urgently contact the health services in your country or emergency hotlines if your self-harm thoughts persist.
But I believe they won't. You just derailed. And I believe you are restarting the trip on the right track.
@brightTortoise3478
Does your gf find out you cheated? Or you want to confess her? And do you still have feelings for your gf?
