Stuck between YOLO and when if not now

I am in my early 20s' preparing for some entrance exams to get into a job that i aspire. It's kind of a tough exam to crack and I've been stuck with it for past 2 years, failing constantly. With constant failure and hence constant taunts and insults from family, the frustration of failure. The pressure to do SOMETHING while everyone else is blooming and you are stuck at one place.. it's huge. It's kind of frustrating and I kind of want to run away at times. But then I see those success stories of people like me and I get that feeling to stay and urge to experience THAT happiness which those others are feeling after the constant failures and get back to studying.

At the same time, I see my fellow mates doing so well, enjoying their life while they can and earning good lives too. And I kind of wish for that. I have stopped talking to people much (doesn't feel like talking), haven't left my house for a year now, never pick up calls except for when I get from colleagues of the side hustle that I'm doing (joined a side work to keep me going). I hate hobbies now, so all i do all day long is either study or browse on internet watch series/ videos and then get back to books, and then feel like I've done nothing at the end of the day.

I sometimes feel like i should stop all this torture, all this suffering and settle with a normal job to finally enjoy before I get over with my 20s and lose whatever is left of those "friends" I got, and a chance to breathe before it all ends with monotony. But then that feeling of happiness & pride I see in eyes of the parents of those who succeed, I want to see that too. I've been an average student forever so all my parents have seen is utter failure from my side and for once i want them to feel the happiness of having a child they deserved and not just a burden they have to pay for each and every day, leaching off them for nothing. I mean, that happiness can cure the hollowness that building inside of me right now, no? all the things i feel right now, the urge to LIVE, the urge to get past this void, the urge to just go out... it might go away, right?

I just feel blank at times and unsure of what I should do. There's like very little chance of me clearing that exam anyways and seeing the kind of failure I've been, I'm afraid all the prep fees my parents are giving might go in vain. Any penny they spend on me feels like drawing and suffocating. Even if I breathe in an extra oxygen i feel like I've done so wrong and don't deserve that. I know i shouldn't even be watching those series in between but my brain just stops after some time & the face that those people talking on screen feels real and i "feel" something when the emotions on the screen change and even though undeserving i kinda like that. So, even if i want to for once enjoy the gala life that people of my age are enjoying, I'm stuck here.. sitting alone, staring blankly and typing this post as if it will cure the numbness. Maybe I can say I'm sick of running but for some reason, I don't want to stop because i know once i do, there's not going to be any land under me waiting for me and i'll have a fall deep, enough to not recover maybe.

Thank you if you're still reading, I'm myself not sure why I'm writing this or if I'm seeking advice or validation or what.