lovingGrapefruit2611 Member Profile

Another one of my pathetic stories- chapter: friendship, a pending question

General Support / by lovingGrapefruit2611

July 29th

...See more TW, in case any. So, I am kind of stuck in a loop now. I have no friends. There, i said it. I hate the fact but `it's true. I am in my mid-20s. I have had a lot of "friends", but ultimately they never stayed. I have experienced some of the great friends one could have but none stayed by my side. The school ones used to bully me and made me think that i was worthless, so i guess when i grew up i had to finally move on from them so yea, that one was on me, for losing those friends. but during my college days, i met some of the best people of my life. they would care about me a lot. if i had asked ( am not particularly a very expressive person), they would have provided me with support in different forms but in the end, no one would want to rely on me for their worries. like, i was the last one to know stuff, they never shared their deepest secrets with me, even though i was not a snitch, i would always listen to what they are saying and give them practical advice (which my other friend used to call saint-like and philosophical, and we couldn't believe ourselves at times how a person like me could even be this philosophical) yet they would hardly tell me anything. finally, they started doing it and then things changed, i was the one they'd come to when in pain but that's all.. i still would be the last one to know the live updates of their life and suddenly one day they left me. just like that, they'll send me cold replies or ghost me or start meeting without me, saying since i have time issues it's impossible to align to my time but that would have made sense if it had been a one-time thing, but it's been more than a year since this has been happening and i feel abandoned once again. we haven't talked since the beginning of this yr. this yr, in my master's university i met a new bunch of folks and same, and they'll stay with me happy and carry with me all college activities but that's all, i am never a part of their social structure. I know by this time i should realise that I am a red flag but i seriously don't know why. i have never in my life ever insulted anyone or even thought bad for anyone, i care for anyone and everyone that comes into my life. i try to make sure i don't burden them with my words, i have even stopped talking loudly and stopped talking too much to avoid them hating me, i have even started watching all those trending stuff to keep up with it all, yet at the end, i am abandoned and left just like that. i don't mind changing myself even more, i know i should be loving myself, but i am young, and just living alone staring at the wall or going on solo things have kinda started to bore me. i miss my voice, i hardly even speak since i have noone to. Can anyone pls help me understand what might be wrong? i know you can't tell my red flags but at least if you could help me identify them and help make me less miserable. I know i sound so pathetic, but i don't know what else to do.

Why healing is tough and scary? (TW, maybe)

General Support / by lovingGrapefruit2611

July 28th, 2023

...See more So, after years of being tormented by different issues in my life, with different sources of pain and trauma that had broken me into someone who had forgotten how to feel only. I was numb for a very long time, cut myself from friends, family, doing activities to myself that i shouldn't just so I wouldn't get up from my study table and glue myself to the books inspite of not getting anything, constantly failing in exams, etc etc. I realised, I had maximum issues with my parents, and finally one day I snapped at that, had a very harsh argument with them but within a week that rather changed into a conversation, I never expected I would have! Like, they might have finally seen me suffering and I kind of got a closure talking to them, I don't feel any hatred within. But now comes the problem, now I don't feel anything.. like it's a different kinda numb.. I don't have any hatred left, I am rationally seeing things now, and.. um.. I guess, if not worst, I am kinda healing? But the problem is, mere thought of healing, getting over the things feels scary, I somehow don't want to get over things, I don't want to forget but I feel like my brain's saying get over it man, it really doesn't matter now (rational arguments), and as soon as I start to do productive stuff to help myself, I brain starts bringing counter statements like wait, why am i over it? Why don't i care nomore?, etc.. like i want to get over them, i want to help myself not remember the bad stuff now, i want to work for ME, i want to make my life for ME, i want to be selfish for ONCE! and it feels scary, it feels like, if i do that, if i remove those negatives, i'll be left with nothing, how will i face this cruel world.. What is this now? Has healing (not even sure if that's really healing or my brain's just hopelessly stupid now going into pure numb mode) always been this frightening? Why can i not be a normal person for once? Do i always need to bash all the time? Why do i not want to forget (if not forgive) the people who wronged me?

How do go back being extrovert, or at least pretend to be one?

General Support / by lovingGrapefruit2611

July 18th, 2023

Will guilt ever leave me alone?

Newbie Hub / by lovingGrapefruit2611

April 23rd, 2023

...See more I feel guilty for not being there for my friends but at the same time i have so much in my own mind that if i do, i mostly ends up getting angry or frustrated as to why they can't see the obvious or other time why can't i think of a solution to help them? I had a rough childhood so i couldn't be much there for my friend to help whenever they needed me, rather i didn't ask them from up front if everything was fine. We grew up, in college i had other issues to take care of, i had surpassed a big trauma and was almost overcoming depression kind of a condition so all i could ever ask my friend was if they're fine and if they'd say yes, i always hesitated to ask if they really mean it and would end up saying, cool.. know I'm here for you if you ever need a talk. [ yeah, i suck at emotions, i barely express mine] now, I've passed college and facing huge career issues, struggling to get in higher study/job and so almost spend 95% of time in my room and get out only for food.. so again now whenever my friend want to meet and all, all i can say is pls let me know if you need my help but i can't come out got exams coming up. [when they meet up, all they talk about is their college, jobs and stuff and me being in the struggling phase fears of the pity they might give me if they talk and know about me, so i usually avoid those kinda meets] I always feel guilty for not being properly there for them when they might be needing me.. yes i do listen to them leaving literally I'm doing if they call/msg me asking for help but as my life is becoming a bigger mess each day it's getting even more difficult to reach out and be there for them. This guilt is building up way too much and it's like even if i want to be there for them i just can't bcz my own life is so pathetic i feel even guilty of breathing at times and wasting my parents' money. i hate the kind of friend am. i don't want them to know me since i haven't so i can't expect them to anyhow.. but how can i get out of this guilt? will this guilt ever get bored of me and move on?

Looking for movie suggestions...

Newbie Hub / by lovingGrapefruit2611

April 12th, 2023

Here I go on a new guilt trip again

General Support / by lovingGrapefruit2611

April 13th, 2023

...See more I don't know something's becoming strange about me. The more I'm moving forward (not from anything.. moving in time- space frame i meant) the more weird things are becoming? I have failed a certain exam 2-3 times by now and have been stuck with a doomed career thanks to the family pressure. I was never allowed to make any life choices or career choices, i always did/ try to do whatever was asked of me to do by my family and so guess what.. I miserably failed in the exams i never liked and now I'm jobless. :) But that's not the point.. point is NOW when I'm almost 25, my family has given me the freedom to choose anything and now i don't know what to do. I have this feeling of failure, guilt and self hatred so much built up that even choosing the right field is getting really frustrating. You know, I just spent my last 1 hour looking for DISSERTATION TOPICS! Dude, I am yet to decide a field of study I want to continue my higher studies master's course but i started looking if I'd be able to prepare any work in that field now. Am i even that capable? I have filled forms for not 1 field but 3 fields of specialisation because of the constant feeling of what if i don't pass their college entrance exams I gotta have a back-up right? but then what if i don't even get the back-up? WORST, what i I GOT THE BACK-UP? There's a jon that I really like but my parents hate it and hence never let me try for it in the past, and once i crossed the eligibility age criteria, they went now you can choose whatever you like. I finally found a substitute to it which is lesser but similar and equally intrigues me so secretly I am working and preparing for that also (since it's a govt job, it has another entrance exam *sigh* *when will entrances leave me alone fr*) so I'm like what if i fail in that exam and don't get the job, so i gotta have back-up. Hence the higher studies and college. Coming to present, after looking for the dissertation, i sat down and started checking if I'll be able to get subjects for it? what if no one helps me fill up my research paper? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? GET ADMISSION FIRST! Seeing my friends doing great and even my juniors are starting to get job after they've finished their masters and I'm still a graduate w/o a job stuck writing this post and just failing being a constant burden on my parents... it's really frustrating. Again, no idea why i started writing this or what i expect in return from the reader but other than "just go back to studying, already"... any other suggestions? How do i break this chain of guilt? I know I've failed more than i should but [once i was called to be the a very stubborn person (in good way, who'd finish stuff no matter what and had will power of an ant] i'm so frustrated with myself and so underconfident that i want to just have back-up to back-ups and yet feeling what if i fail in all? I'm the eldest child of the family... I don't want to stay as a burden forever t-t I don't want diamonds and stuff.. i just want MY social space back. When "I" used to be something in the society too. Anything more than a burden would do it. (PS: pls, don't ask me to socialise - my "friends" are not much in touch anymore because they got stuff to do unlike me and my family doesn't like me so we try to keep our distances; or hobby- i hate hobbies, i usually end up throwing whatever I'll be having around me if i try getting into hobby, they frustates me)

Stuck between YOLO and when if not now

Newbie Hub / by lovingGrapefruit2611

July 1st, 2023

...See more I am in my early 20s' preparing for some entrance exams to get into a job that i aspire. It's kind of a tough exam to crack and I've been stuck with it for past 2 years, failing constantly. With constant failure and hence constant taunts and insults from family, the frustration of failure. The pressure to do SOMETHING while everyone else is blooming and you are stuck at one place.. it's huge. It's kind of frustrating and I kind of want to run away at times. But then I see those success stories of people like me and I get that feeling to stay and urge to experience THAT happiness which those others are feeling after the constant failures and get back to studying. At the same time, I see my fellow mates doing so well, enjoying their life while they can and earning good lives too. And I kind of wish for that. I have stopped talking to people much (doesn't feel like talking), haven't left my house for a year now, never pick up calls except for when I get from colleagues of the side hustle that I'm doing (joined a side work to keep me going). I hate hobbies now, so all i do all day long is either study or browse on internet watch series/ videos and then get back to books, and then feel like I've done nothing at the end of the day. I sometimes feel like i should stop all this torture, all this suffering and settle with a normal job to finally enjoy before I get over with my 20s and lose whatever is left of those "friends" I got, and a chance to breathe before it all ends with monotony. But then that feeling of happiness & pride I see in eyes of the parents of those who succeed, I want to see that too. I've been an average student forever so all my parents have seen is utter failure from my side and for once i want them to feel the happiness of having a child they deserved and not just a burden they have to pay for each and every day, leaching off them for nothing. I mean, that happiness can cure the hollowness that building inside of me right now, no? all the things i feel right now, the urge to LIVE, the urge to get past this void, the urge to just go out... it might go away, right? I just feel blank at times and unsure of what I should do. There's like very little chance of me clearing that exam anyways and seeing the kind of failure I've been, I'm afraid all the prep fees my parents are giving might go in vain. Any penny they spend on me feels like drawing and suffocating. Even if I breathe in an extra oxygen i feel like I've done so wrong and don't deserve that. I know i shouldn't even be watching those series in between but my brain just stops after some time & the face that those people talking on screen feels real and i "feel" something when the emotions on the screen change and even though undeserving i kinda like that. So, even if i want to for once enjoy the gala life that people of my age are enjoying, I'm stuck here.. sitting alone, staring blankly and typing this post as if it will cure the numbness. Maybe I can say I'm sick of running but for some reason, I don't want to stop because i know once i do, there's not going to be any land under me waiting for me and i'll have a fall deep, enough to not recover maybe. Thank you if you're still reading, I'm myself not sure why I'm writing this or if I'm seeking advice or validation or what.

Am I the Bad friend?

General Support / by lovingGrapefruit2611

March 18th, 2023

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