New here, having a pretty bad night

Hey all. I'm new here, so I'm sorry if I'm not using this forum as intended. I have been considering using this service for a while, as I've been struggling a lot more lately with my anxiety and depression, but I kind of just needed to vent tonight. I thought about entering a chat with one of the wonderful listeners but honestly I'm too exhausted to hold up a proper conversation, with the back and forth, so I'm just going to let it spill out here.

Last February, just before lockdown started my grandad passed away, and now, a year later, just as things are starting to regain some sort of normality, my gran has been rushed into hospital. I don't know the full extent of what has happened but it would seem that she's been struggling with mobility and her mental state has been degrading for a while and it has only just occurred to my mum today to call the doctors. Whilst I'm sure the backbone of this inaction is that she was afraid they would take my gran away, I am so angry and upset right now. Not just at her, but myself. My mum chose to move in with my gran and my elderly godfather, supposedly to take care of them, but she just lets their lives fall into disrepair. She puts a great deal of pressure on my 80 year old godfather to do the brunt of the work and is now penalising him for things getting this bad. And I'm mad at myself because I wasn't there for my gran like I should have been. This last year has obviously been difficult as far as social interaction is concerned, and I live in a completely different town from my family and have remained working and dealing with my own anxiety, so it hasn't been easy to stay in touch, but I should have been there for her more. I really hate myself right now because I'm just as bad as my mum, not realising anything was wrong until it's too late. Or realising but being in denial. I think since my grandad died I've been hit with the realisation that my gran and godfather could die at any time, and I've overwhelmed myself with that thought. Instead of spending as much time with her as possible I've just sealed myself off from everybody, more so. Then my anger just circles back around to my mum because she was there and didn't do anything to stop things getting to this point.

As previously mentioned I suffer from long term anxiety and depression, but they have been particularly bad the past few weeks, to the extent I've had to take a bit of time off work and have started some new medication. I'm still adjusting to it and feeling all the negative side effects and I'm just trying to get back on my feet and then this happens and I'm completely floored.
I feel physically ill right now and I just needed to get this out of my system, so thank you to those of you who sat through this.