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No clue what I'm doing

MrSach August 17th

Guess I'll just write some of it out, don't know what else I can do.

Short version: I work in a career that centers on reducing irl human harm from online sources - everything from basic stalkers to immediate threats to life, are part of that. Been doing it nearly 10 years now, good enough at it to be an SME of some demand. Part of that is crisis management, something I've always prided myself on. There has nearly always been a healthy separation from myself and the work, as that's the only way anyone can make a lifelong career out of the human misery parade.

Recently, I lost a coworker to a sudden unexpected illness. I was their last contact, they were looking for help when it was far too late for it. I had to watch them go, right in front of me. Would be lying to say it didn't land a lot harder than I was ready for. It's one thing to have a loved one with a long but terminal illness, old age, things of that nature. It's another thing entirely to lose them suddenly without warning. There's no way to prepare for that, and I've apparently not been doing a good job of handling it. Probably a mix of stubbornness and shock, I really don't know.

This was weeks ago now, and I'm dismayed to find I've only felt worse as time goes on. Think maybe I was trying to force a deadline or early end to grieving, or how deeply that event cut me. It seems this has only made it worse. Adding to that, my spouse of 25 years recently had to have a full hysterectomy for uterine cancer, something else I didn't see coming despite the long, slow burn into reaching that diagnosis over a period of what I can only guess was years. Got me thinking...if I can't even spot that in those I'm closest to, if I can't get ahead of it at all, what am I doing? I thought at first that I just didn't know what I was doing in my career, one purpose-built to help people in distress of many varieties, but it's more than that. I just...plain don't know what I'm doing anymore.

There's nothing so dark as ideation going on, fortunately. But it seems like I've just got caught in a feedback loop of numbness and anger, and I don't know how to break out of it. The worst part is that I know, pragmatically, it couldn't have been prevented by anything on my end. Been down that road enough times over the last few weeks, thousands of angles and considerations, all of them ending at the same point: here.

Being blunt: I didn't grow up in a healthy environment, so self-care or managing this sort of thing has never been a strong suit. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

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MrSach OP August 17th

This may have been a mistake...feel free to delete this thread and/or account.

MrSach OP August 17th

I do sometimes wish someone could tell me what's wrong with me, that keeps me from getting any help or responses from any other human beings on Earth. This is just one of thousands of similar attempts over a number of years, and the latest to receive nothing from anyone but myself.

I can only assume I've offended someone in some fashion. If so, please let me know. I am so very incredibly tired of being ignored.

3 replies
mytwistedsoul August 17th

@MrSach I apologize that no one has replied yet. You haven't offended anyone. It's not as active on the weekends.

I'm so sorry about your coworker and your spouses cancer. To be hit with both at once or within weeks of each other would be overwhelming. 


It can be hard to know how to handle the surprises that life throws at us. The loss of your coworker and the health of your spouse. The reality of it is that there are some things that are beyond our control and we can't see the future. We can't predict what will happen. With a terminal illness or old age we often have time to accept the inevitable.  

With your line of work, as you said you reduce human harm and with your coworker you found yourself in a situation where you were helpless to do anything. The same with your spouse. Feeling helpless might cause the anger. And grief can be complicated. I think that when our emotions and thoughts become too much we go numb

With not growing up in a healthy environment, could you have some unresolved childhood trauma that resurfaced from what you went through with your coworker and what you're going through with your spouse? Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist face to face or a counselor? It might be helpful. 

Self care can be just about anything. Taking time to read or watch a movie. Going for a walk in nature. Learning a new hobby or taking an old one back up. Journaling your thoughts or even talking with a friend. It's meant to help you relax and help with your physical and mental well being.

My reply probably isn't as helpful as you may have hoped but I know how frustrating it can be when no one replies
2 replies
MrSach OP August 19th

@mytwistedsoul

You replied, which was already more than I was expecting. Thank you. 💜

For the most part, I've just stopped feeling anything about this situation. Seems like all that does is cause harm to people, and I'd sooner be a machine than do that to others on purpose.

1 reply
mytwistedsoul August 20th

@MrSach You're welcome :) Sometimes we just need to get things out and know that someone heard them. 


You probably know that suppressing what you're feeling isn't a good thing, for a number of reasons. It's bad for your health, both physical and mental and those emotions will build up and come out eventually. Usually at the worst possible moment. 

It's okay to be human. It's okay to be upset and angry or sad. 

You're welcome to share here too. Sometimes just getting everything out is nice. I can't guarantee that it will help but maybe it's worth a try? They do have therapists here for a fee of course and it's all text or email based from what I understand. That might be something to think about. 

I hope you take care and I really hope your spouse is going to be ok. 
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