No clue what I'm doing

Guess I'll just write some of it out, don't know what else I can do.

Short version: I work in a career that centers on reducing irl human harm from online sources - everything from basic stalkers to immediate threats to life, are part of that. Been doing it nearly 10 years now, good enough at it to be an SME of some demand. Part of that is crisis management, something I've always prided myself on. There has nearly always been a healthy separation from myself and the work, as that's the only way anyone can make a lifelong career out of the human misery parade.

Recently, I lost a coworker to a sudden unexpected illness. I was their last contact, they were looking for help when it was far too late for it. I had to watch them go, right in front of me. Would be lying to say it didn't land a lot harder than I was ready for. It's one thing to have a loved one with a long but terminal illness, old age, things of that nature. It's another thing entirely to lose them suddenly without warning. There's no way to prepare for that, and I've apparently not been doing a good job of handling it. Probably a mix of stubbornness and shock, I really don't know.

This was weeks ago now, and I'm dismayed to find I've only felt worse as time goes on. Think maybe I was trying to force a deadline or early end to grieving, or how deeply that event cut me. It seems this has only made it worse. Adding to that, my spouse of 25 years recently had to have a full hysterectomy for uterine cancer, something else I didn't see coming despite the long, slow burn into reaching that diagnosis over a period of what I can only guess was years. Got me thinking...if I can't even spot that in those I'm closest to, if I can't get ahead of it at all, what am I doing? I thought at first that I just didn't know what I was doing in my career, one purpose-built to help people in distress of many varieties, but it's more than that. I just...plain don't know what I'm doing anymore.

There's nothing so dark as ideation going on, fortunately. But it seems like I've just got caught in a feedback loop of numbness and anger, and I don't know how to break out of it. The worst part is that I know, pragmatically, it couldn't have been prevented by anything on my end. Been down that road enough times over the last few weeks, thousands of angles and considerations, all of them ending at the same point: here.

Being blunt: I didn't grow up in a healthy environment, so self-care or managing this sort of thing has never been a strong suit. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.