Trigger warning - abused by my brother

Hey everyone.

This could really be a trigger - please take care of yourselves and don't read if you're not feeling like it <3

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I usually don't write anything anywhere. I just have a therapist I talk to (and friends). but somehow I thought I'd write my story today. I was abused by my brother who's a little less than 2 years older than I am, from when I was 10 until I was 17 (at which point that *** decided to go date my best friend to my unimaginable distress). He was really abusive to me. I'm not sure what led him there in the first place but there was really no limit to his sexual abuse. And in the outside world, he was a normal guy. Egoistical, not helpful at home at all, and always doing his own stuff in complete disregard of the outside world but still, he seemed a normal guy. Funny and smart. People like him I think. As to me, I forgot everything each time it would happen -- until last September -- during it, I had issues like body pain and a short depression and many many weird things I couldn't make sense of but I never knew the origin of (I thought I was mental). I was raped after when I was 20 by another guy and I thought 5 years later that maybe I could benefit from seeing someone (it took me ages but believe me, nothing was fine so it took about all my strength and fear to get there - also thanks to 7cups and my therapist, I stayed there, that was huge). In September, I was reading about sexual health and healing and a memory I'd always had but that wasn't that important all of a sudden became sexual abuse and from there I pulled the thread to about all my memories. Not all of them. I'm still discovering some things. But the main steps and evolutions in the abuse I know now. I was mistreated by him for years. It really was horrible. I lost so many things in the process. The ability to trust, to love, to separate sex and love, to feel, my sexual health, my ability to have normal relationships with my parents, to trust myself and my guts... I was so lost and alone. Now each time someone checks on me, I feel so good inside, really. There are lots of things that make more sense now and that i feel better about. In the last year of abuse, things got worst and more intense. He was about 19 and me 17 I guess. He raped me for years before that. From the beginning actually. But that last year was just... I'm dealing with the pain from that time of my life right now and I can't even explain what it's like. He basically raped me over and over again during that year. Came in my room to rape me at night. I was so scared. So scared. I'm not even sure how I survived. I did survive though... as I am writing here. And I'm still surviving. But yeah... it's so harsh right now. I am a very imaginative/artsy person, so I draw a lot to process. That's nice.

I hope I'm not hurting anyone by writing this here and thank you for reading/responding. Lots of love to you all.