Tired of Feeling Like I am the Bad One

***Trigger Warning*****

I grew up in a family where I was taught to basically be a little doll. I had to look pretty and only speak when people spoke to me. I was taught what to do and what to say and I was never allowed to let my family look bad at school. I was under so much pressure and just kept a plastered smile on my face no matter what was going on at home. After I started getting sexually harassed and touched at school in elementary school my mom told me to" get over it becausse I am pretty, and this happens to pretty girls all the time and I need to get used to it" and I internalized this and feel like it set me on a very destructive path. I was molested by my friend's older brother during a sleepover during a game he called "Prom", I was molested by my uncle as a child and no one did anything because of our special relationship, I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend at 18 and didn't even understand what was happening to me or that what he did was assault, I lost my virginity by force from a different ex boyfriend a little bit after my 20th birthday of course my parents said i deserved it because we had moved in together and I was bad, then after separating from my abusive ex husband I was tricked into going to a dinner with a friend and her boyfriend where the boyfriend drugged and raped me and again I was blamed by my family and friends and told I did something to deserve it :( My parents controlled me and kept me silent ny threatening to send me to a mental hospital or they would tell me about all the serial killers and rapists that would get me if I ever tried to leave. I was told that so much throughout my life that I believed it I believed that I was Bad, Worthless, Slut, and totally deserved being beaten, abused, raped, and treated so horrible. My dad always said I was his property and that he yelled at me because thats what I deserved. And now as an adult it is still affecting me and people are still trying to make me cover all this up and pretend it didn't happen. I wake up in the night in a panic attack and feel like I can't breathe, I have horrible flashbacks and nightmares. I am still forced to see my uncle (luckily only at holiday gatherings) and pretend nothing happened and it makes me sick! I feel angry and hurt that I have to feel like the Bad one like I am the one that did something Bad and Wrong. I am angry because I am still scared of my abusers and that they all still haunt me. I am angry because what they did to me is still causing damage and I can't stop it! I feel disgusting and ashamed but yet I still have to plaster that smile on my face just like when I was a little girl.