CrimsonButterflyWings809 Member Profile

Getting Out of an Abusive Marriage

Relationship Stress / by CrimsonButterflyWings809

December 16th, 2021

...See more I have been in an abusive marriage for almost 2 years ( 4 years total). He controls everything I do and I have to ask permission to do little thinks like watch tv and listen to music if he is home. I am not allowed to move things on the shelf and he only lets me do laundry one day a week. He says really hurtful and cruel things to me and makes me feel worthless and stupid and unlovable. He got worse because we found out my health problems are more serious and I had to be put in the hospital. He yells at me for being sick and ruining things all the time. He also blames me for getting him sick. He tells me no one wants to spend time with me or talk to me. Sometimes I feel like he orders me around like a dog. I feel stupid for staying so long but I kept hoping that with our talks he would get better he promised of course but then it was always all my fault. One of the worst things was I lost my grandma whom I was extremely close to last year due to Covid and he yelled at me and went off on me in the car after her funeral. He also scared me so bad that I hid in the bathroom with my dog. I am scared of him because he is bigger than me and has come at me twice. He blames all our problems on my health issues and tried to convince me that this was all in my head and I was just messed up and I believed it. I am only allowed out of the house for work and doctor appointments so my home has become a prison. I also think the whole Covid thing scared me and made me stay because at the time things were the worst I also lost my job. It was rough and he was mean then but I kept telling myself its my fault and things would get better once I was working again. Although it was not the case and things just kept getting worse to the point I started having panic attacks at work and my depression became so severe. Then I ended up in the hospital last week for serious health issues that could kill me and he just dumped me at the ER. While I was away from him I really let everything sink in and realized I can't keep going like this being scared all the time and walking on egg shells just to keep him happy/not yell. So today is my birthday and even though I am sick and in horrible pain (recovering from my hospital stay) I got up the courage to tell him I am leaving and its because of his abuse. So for the first time in four years I am no longer afraid and no longer pretending everything is fine! I am looking forward to actually have freedom and a life.

Tired of Feeling Like I am the Bad One

Trauma Support / by CrimsonButterflyWings809

August 20th, 2020

...See more ***Trigger Warning***** I grew up in a family where I was taught to basically be a little doll. I had to look pretty and only speak when people spoke to me. I was taught what to do and what to say and I was never allowed to let my family look bad at school. I was under so much pressure and just kept a plastered smile on my face no matter what was going on at home. After I started getting sexually harassed and touched at school in elementary school my mom told me to" get over it becausse I am pretty, and this happens to pretty girls all the time and I need to get used to it" and I internalized this and feel like it set me on a very destructive path. I was molested by my friend's older brother during a sleepover during a game he called "Prom", I was molested by my uncle as a child and no one did anything because of our special relationship, I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend at 18 and didn't even understand what was happening to me or that what he did was assault, I lost my virginity by force from a different ex boyfriend a little bit after my 20th birthday of course my parents said i deserved it because we had moved in together and I was bad, then after separating from my abusive ex husband I was tricked into going to a dinner with a friend and her boyfriend where the boyfriend drugged and raped me and again I was blamed by my family and friends and told I did something to deserve it :( My parents controlled me and kept me silent ny threatening to send me to a mental hospital or they would tell me about all the serial killers and rapists that would get me if I ever tried to leave. I was told that so much throughout my life that I believed it I believed that I was Bad, Worthless, Slut, and totally deserved being beaten, abused, raped, and treated so horrible. My dad always said I was his property and that he yelled at me because thats what I deserved. And now as an adult it is still affecting me and people are still trying to make me cover all this up and pretend it didn't happen. I wake up in the night in a panic attack and feel like I can't breathe, I have horrible flashbacks and nightmares. I am still forced to see my uncle (luckily only at holiday gatherings) and pretend nothing happened and it makes me sick! I feel angry and hurt that I have to feel like the Bad one like I am the one that did something Bad and Wrong. I am angry because I am still scared of my abusers and that they all still haunt me. I am angry because what they did to me is still causing damage and I can't stop it! I feel disgusting and ashamed but yet I still have to plaster that smile on my face just like when I was a little girl.

New here and heres my intro

Newbie Hub / by CrimsonButterflyWings809

July 8th, 2020

...See more Hi everyone, I just found this site today and really have enjoyed my time. I am new and a little nervous about posting and sharing because I have had some negative reactions when I have shared before. ****Trigger Warning************* I am going through a lot right now and trying to find some support and hopefully meet some others that in the same boat as me. I am going through anxiety, depression, panic attacks, chronic pain, flash backs and nightmares. I am a survivor of domestic violence, sexual trauma ( childhood and adulthood), verbal and mental abuse, self injury, and I was permanently injured in a car accident ten years ago. I also recently lost my job in March because of Covid 19. I also have multiple health issues, chronic illness, and chronic pain that is regulated through a medical device. I also recently got out of a very hostile work environment that had many similarities to going through an abusive relationship. I don't want to trigger or upset anyone so I have tried to keep certain details of my past trauma vague. Recently, I tried to get help through online therapy but it kind of messed me up and I realized that I need to see someone in person so I have an appointment this coming week. I am a little scared because everytime I share about my trauma issues I feel worse and plus I am told repeatedly by my family to keep quiet and not talk about bad things that happened to me especially, things my family did. I was taught to always keep everything inside and tried to do that for many years but it still damages me and comes out anyway. I feel that my panic attacks in the night and especially flashbacks and nightmares are symptoms of this. Plus I am sad and angry to admit I am still very much afraid of my abusers even tho I am an adult. I want to get better for good and not let my past interfere in my life anymore. I want to figure out how to deal with my anxiety, depression, and feel stronger and more confident. I want to help others and I know that I can't do that until I am whole again. I am also nervous about this journey because I don't want to make things worse. I am excited to be a part of this community and hope that I can find support and also give support as well.

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