The whole inside
It's been 20 years since I escaped from the 10years of grooming, abuse and neglect of my childhood but is also been 20years of repressed memories. Until recently I had very detached response to describe my childhood experiences. Now I have a gapping whole void of connection to anything in my life right now. As the memories come back I disappear. My self esteem and confidence are fading and I feel like there is no way back.
Sorry to hear that, many do not get an ideal upbring, hope you can make progress improving you. Recognizing that your destiny is yet to be determined and that you are the main determinant is a great step. Perserve and come out on the other side with good results, have a great day.
@ruffneckred There's a difference between not getting a good childhood and being raped for 10 years of your life as I was being physically abused emotionally abused and neglected hungry all the time
@Fleggles
you are absolutely correct, my apologies if your felt I was making light of your experience. Have a great day.
For me, as the repressed memories came back the dissociation spiked and I felt disconnected from everything. It was the hardest part of my recovery. It got better when I did emdr with those repressed memories. I hope things get better for you soon.
@LuckyDucky79 I know what you mean I loose moments of time because I disconnect and disassociate from what's going on. It really interferes with my life. I just want normal back
@Fleggles Yeah that sounds very similar to what I experienced just last year. What really worried me was if it was ever going to get better. But I just kept reminding myself that I was no longer suppressing these memories because I was ready to face them. And that this was a process of change that would eventually lead to something better. As long as things were changing (and memories coming up is change) I wasn't going to be stuck in that place forever. I just had to undergo it and let the self-healing part of my mind do its thing. That's not easy when you're in the middle of it.
If you're not doing emdr with these resurfaced memories I highly recommend it. Memories that I could hardly bear to look at I can now remember without them being a trigger at all.
Also I read Pete Walker his book: Cptsd, from surviving to thriving. It explained what was going on very well and it has a roadmap to recovery. Just knowing such a road exists helped me to not panic.
