TW: Was it sexual assault??
so today a friend told me that she was coerced after saying no many times to do stuff with a guy, and it got me thinking about my potential? assaults. I kind of think that something as big as what happpened to her didn't happen to me so its not as big of a deal.
there's three situations i can think of that i want to know if they are sa?
1. When i was maybe 8-9 this boy who was younger than me maybe 6-7? covinced me to kiss him under covers and play hide and seek but instead of playing the game actually going into a close and little by little, he coerced me into taking off my clothes and like showing parts of my body ( we later found out someone was doing the same thing to him, but as i got older i felt a lot of built and like cause i was odler i should have known better?)
2. I can't remember who initially initiated (most likely her), but me and a girl i knew would often kiss under covers, it happened many times- likely every time we saw each other, I can't ever remember any further touching but i don't know what to consider this
3. I had an older cousin maybe 13-14 while i was 8-9 who would also kiss me, i have one specific memory where he picked me up to kiss him because i was literally that much smaller compared to him ( in my body i feel like there were more times this happened that i don't have clear memories of) he would kind of touch my body while kissing me but nothing "sexual" (ex :like touching genitals)
my friend talking about her assault was kinda triggering and idk what to consider these things?
Here’s my experience with this question… if you have to ask, the answer is usually yes but regardless, behaviors or experiences occurred that have disturbed you enough to ask the question and you should consider getting help and talking more about it.
With that being said, I know you’re looking for a specific answer so here’s the breakdown to legally identifying rape and your situation:
- Was something inserted involving the mouth, ***, *** and/or *** in a sexual way?
- was consent given by someone who can freely and legally give consent? (Not did you say no)
In your case, because you start off by saying you were a child, then you automatically cannot give consent. Even if you wholeheartedly said yes or even instigated sex, it would not legally be considered consent because you’re too young to understand and give consent under any circumstances. A child, someone with mental health disability or developmental disability or on drugs or alcohol, sleeping, etc cannot give consent.
However as far as I can tell in your story nothing was inserted so it is not rape. I wouldn’t consider the second two examples to be anything big as kids are often curious. However that’s not for me to say. Because if it made you feel uncomfortable, then that’s what should be addressed.
Additionally, please note you are far from alone. Many children that are molested or groomed go on to repeat behaviors with other children. After all, how would they know not to?! About 40% actually. That’s often how adults find out about the original child being molested or abused.
Often the children they repeat behaviors with do not say anything though. You were older but you too were a child. It was not your responsibility to stop what was happening. Someone should have protected you and your friend. It was not your job to make sure you it someone you know is not molested.
It makes sense that you would become triggered upon hearing certain things. Whether you have repressed memories or simply think about what could have been, what your friend went through, etc it can be traumatic. Plus, doing things sexually at a younger age does impact you later in life. It starts that part of your life that much earlier and often people can avoid sexual behaviors or become hyper sexual. And many go on to be groomed more than once.
@manimahem
Here is the question i would ask ..........if these items bother you is it ...
because they always did? ...................or are you looking back with 20/20 hindsight? .......
IMO. some of what may be simple curiosity......... are being RE-examined with the scope of today's every thing is wrong ................. we might feel "yeah that may have been on the line or over it....."
@toughTiger6481
I always felt like it was wrong for me to be doing but as i got older i felt more guilt for "letting it happen" if that makes sense
@manimahem@manimahem
i was just asking because i have had many people want to tell me items that I believe were basic child curious items are somehow so much worse.... i do not think they were at all...
if you have always felt it was wrong then it is different..... forgive yourself no matter how much guilt for letting whatever happen does it NEVER turns back time...
This is extremely common and you’re not alone. It took me a really long time to forgive myself and let go of the guilt. It’s like you knew it was kind of wrong but had no idea of the severity or long term impact. By the time you’re old enough to figure it out, the shame and guilt are overwhelming so you bury it down deep, justify it or silently punish yourself until you address it.
Thing is that you’re able to process things better now and you look back on it from an adults perspective. Go find a photo of self when these things took place. Look at that child, would you be mad if you found that child doing anything that you had done? No you wouldn’t. Think of another child that you’re close with or love (theoretical or real) and retell the story on your mind as if what happened to you happened to that child. We are so much kinder to others than we are our selves. when I did this exercise I realized that someone should have known what was going on, protected me and the other children and all children involved needed help regardless of their particular role.
Keep in mind that it does not matter if you enjoyed it, instigated, was a willing participant, gave consent, etc etc. you were a kid. Kids brains are not equipped.
Keep a photo of yourself at that age on your fridge so you see it everyday as a daily reminder of how old you were then and innocent.
Also keep in mind that if you’re feeling emotional or triggered, what happened took place a long time ago. Your alarm / warning bells trying to alert you of danger may be blaring but you’re safe. The fire alarm may be going off now but there is no fire. The fire happened all that time ago. It just feels like it is happening now because trauma is complicated to process.
I’m proud of you. You don’t know me from Adam but along the question “is it rape?” Is an extremely tough one to ask. And scary. But you’re still standing. Message me anytime if you need to talk. I’m usually on and off depending on work.