♥Lemonade and Figgy♥ [Space]
Hey @emotionalFig5074
I figured here would be a good space for us to keep tags on each other and of course, this space is also open to anyone who would like to respond.
@TheLemonade hello! I'm an open book, I'm sorry to hear you've been around the trauma block yourself.
@emotionalFig5074
Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse (not specifics)
I mean with me it's a bit of a rollercoaster but I've been through the domestic abuse relationships, I've been through being homeless and going between houses trying to find a safe place to be. Now I am in a much better position in life where I'm not homeless and I've got a very supportive partner but the problem I have is that I hyper-fix onto certain memories and in the long run I end up hurting myself because I can physically feel those intense memories. It's almost like having the power to go back in time to revisit the older memories and feel the emotions I felt back then and while sometimes I do miss that, even if it was abusive.
For me, I do miss the routine, that's something that is definitely lacking with my current partner, and it's frustrating because of course, I think he's the best thing that's happened to me but during the abusive relationship, at least I knew what was happening next, so it's a bit difficult sometimes and it's definitely messed up with my mind.
@TheLemonade I'm sorry to hear your story but glad you're in a better place. What do you mean by you miss the routine?
I've gotten really bad news about my health, so I'm a bit side tracked. I've been really upset about it while I waited for results and now its worse now that I have them. I can't see a gyn until Monday. I'm so tired of more roadblocks. I asked the nurse how I am supposed to make it through the weekend. She was like what do you mean, we could send you medication? I have medication. What do I do about my mind? How do I not have si thoughts? She was like "you could go to a walk in counselor." I've been in therapy for almost a year how is one session going to help? I would barely have time to explain why it's so upsetting.
@emotionalFig5074
Hi Figgy, sorry I've been sidetracked with my partner's health, ended up being in the hospital for over nine hours due to him being diagnosed with diabetes after so long of trying to argue with the doctors that my partner was having issues but it fell on deaf ears until the test results showed that he was actually diabetic! So that was a fun trip to the hospital to get all the insulin he needed. He feels so much better now.
Right, yeah with regards to the 'routine' it is more like....at least from my experience those who are in abusive situations, it's like if you do something, then something will definitely happen, for example, if I was to go see my friends, my (ex) partner would question me, and make me feel guilty for even considering the very idea of being away from her whereas with my partner now, it's like.....he's going to be fine with it, there's like too much free will and I'm not used to that aspect and it's like walking into to unknown areas where I don't know what's happening next and it almost feels too good to be true.
Urgh, it takes many sessions just to get comfortable enough to talk about how you feel, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through health issues and I hope it gets resolved on Monday. It's like the first thing they think of is giving you more and more medication to deal with the issue forgetting you have a brain and you need to deal with it one step at a time otherwise it gets overwhelming.
@TheLemonade
ah I see what you mean. Yeah I still have a lot of mental pathways when I have interactions. *** I've been suspicious because he usually drinks his coffee watered down like tea and he's been ordering espresso. 🤷♀️
I understand the doctor issues. I'm there with ya now. I have a few notes of being confrontational. Yes because I have been ignored since I was 19 and wracked up a trauma list because of it! I'm going back to the gyn I saw last month tomorrow. I saw her originally because primary care tested my hormones and said I was likely in menopause. She was angry they even ran the tests since I'm so young. But my FSH was 167.9 (super high). She said she would see me in 6 months, email her if I have a period. She said she could not treat my sexual dysfunction as it "seems psychosomatic in nature" but didn't refer me to the professional who does treat sexual dysfunction. I called her office multiple times in distress and no help. Well last Monday I went to outpatient advanced care and culture came back that I have HSV1. I was super sick, sleeping so much and running a low grade fever (on top of the sores and lymph node swelling). I was hoping it was a shaving accident since it happened right after I shaved in case the pt I have been a crumbling mess since then. My therapist never emailed me back. My PFPT emailed me back though but I don't understand anything much of what she said. .... Anyways I go see that gyn tomorrow. She didn't think she'd see me until April, jokes on her! And unfortunately I am going to harass her again about my hormones because I am losing grip of the wheel too often. To soften my impact, I am bringing her a gift from work bc I saw her in drive through last week. 🤭
I got in an actual fight with bf's grammy this morning before work. I was still shaking when I got there. And then it was a horrible day. Bf left to go have sex shortly after I got home. I'm supposed to be at the doctors at 9 and I usually don't wake up until 1030. Then I should probably go get my antidepressant and adhd med across town and maybe go find some plushies because what else do I have to look forward to? Then therapy at 1 and work at 3. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I hate holiday weeks anymore. Sure I have Thanksgiving "off" to go to two Thanksgiving's, but I requested it off I have split days off so it feels like no days off 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
With the virus flare up, 1. I don't know what it means and I haven't had anyone to talk to about it and 2. it complicates everything because it's another barrier (another burden for my body to fight when I can't care well enough for it and another barrier on my quest for being able to be an active participant in my own relationship). I'm drawn to take a leave of absence but at the same time, having no distraction and being stuck at home would not likely be good. But stress is bad and I get it both places ahhhh. I feel like I can't win. Is it hot flashes or fever?