I've never said this to anyone
I'm 32 years old and when I was 21, I found myself in an abusive relationship. My partner was verbally, physically and sexually abusive. I was raped and managed to repress the memory until it was triggered when I was 27.
edited by Rain45 Moved to the Trauma community due to forum re-organisation
I have to finish my story here because I can't hit "return" without the cursor jumping to the front of the first paragraph. Mmmm, wall of text. Anyway, due to the rape, I obviously have lots of intimacy issues and had to work through the trauma. I did go to counseling where I found out that my depression and anxiety stemmed from the PTSD. I'm afraid to have children. I want kids so badly, but I'm terrified I'll screw them up. My current partner has expressed wanting children, but some part of me is scared he's not being fully honest with me and would rather we didn't. I go through hills and valleys with the depression and I've never been on medication. The anxiety can be a killer. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks anyone, for listening.
Tiny treasures if you ever need to chat and get something off ur chest we are all here for you. I wish I could give u a big hug in person and make u feel better.
Thank you, Hope. I very much appreciate it.
Hi there Tiny,
Thank you so much for trusting us to tell us about this. I want you to know you are not alone. This post tells me a lot about you. It tells me that your brave. It also tells me that this still very much effects you. Have you ever tried filing a report against the person that did this to you? It is NEVER to late to tell anyone about this even, the police.
I applaud you for sharing you're story. I'm very glad you trusted us. One thing I want you to know is it is NOT your fault. I know what you went through you will never forget what happened to you but, you can get help and give yourself the support you need. Here there are a lot of listeners willing to help you and support you. There is also a support group called RAINN they specialize in sexual abuse. I'm very sorry this happened to you. You are very brave. You may be helping others who have yet to tell their story.
You only have the power. Use it. Show this person the strong young woman you are. I believe in you!
Teen listener Kearston
I talked to my former counselor about that. The thought of having to be in his presence again would be too much. Unfortunately at this point, it would be "he said" vs "she said." There isn't any physical evidence. Plus, he was arrested with another man for an alleged rape at a party. He had a huge support group behind him and the girl later dropped the charges. Not sure if it was fear or pressure or what. He was released from jail. I felt terribly guilty over that and it took a long time for me to accept that what happened to me wasn't my fault. :::hugs::: I still slip from time to time and catch myself feeling guilty and self loathing. I have a wonderful and supportive husband who helps me out of the fogs. Thank you so much for the kind words. I've looked into RAINN and I love them! What a fantastic organization. I like this site already and I think it's wonderful. Thank you for the opportunity to open up. It means a lot.
I'm glad you havesuch a good and caring husband. This isnsomething that goes away on it own overnight it'll get better.
I think you should keep going to therapy. Talk to your therapist about your concerns about having children and maybe the right way to discipline and raise a child (since I think that's what's concerning you?) Don't feel guilty for any of this, it's NOT you're fault. I know it's difficult but it will get better with time. Any time you're triggered take a deep breath and look for videos about things you love ( cats, paintings, make-up etc). Keep your head up. It's gonna be ok.
Im perfect and make no mistakes
Undergoing through trauma therapy now and it's so tough. Sigh. And I'm gonna start school next week....