Is it different than I thought... ****trigger warning****
So, I was talking with someone yesterday who made me question my thoughts on a sexual encounter a few years ago. I am an abuse survivor who dealt with a lot sexual abuse in my childhood. In this encounter, I had expressed that I did not want to be sexual early in the evening. The guy then proceeded to keep trying and it pushed me into a "freeze" state due to past abuse. I could no longer talk or say no...all I could do is go with the motions. Afterwards I got up and sat in the corner feeling raped. I sat there most of the night while he slept in my bed. I told myself that there was no way he could have known what he would cause. I reminded myself about the strong sexual urges a lot of people have and that it was normal for him to try...he just didnt know my past abuse and that what looked like I had decided to wasnt that, in fact I had just lost my ability to protest what was happening. I justified it by human ignorance and refused to believe that he had raped me. He and I still hang out some but he doesnt try to have sex with me anymore.
The person I was talking to was a male, his brother actually, and he told me that I was looking at it wrong. He said that the fact that I had told him no should have been all there was to it. He should not have gone any further with it. He said it was his fault and was indeed a form of rape because he was pushing himself against my expressed will and desire.
This has me messed up today. If I wasn't friends with the guy still, it wouldn't be important. Now when I see him, I resent him. It is like my eyes were opened to see the situation differently. I am still not sure how to look at it, but his brother thinks that I need to sever my ties because it is not a healthy relationship. He thinks i need to better protect myself from those who dont care enough about what I tell them I want or don't want. He says that it is being a form of predator when people push to get what they want and since I have an illness and mental dysfuctions I need to make safer choices about who I associate with.
I just dont know. I dont want to think someone is more guilty than they are but his arguement makes me feel different about it all. I am honestly confused and just trying to make sense of it all.
@TeenyTinyAppy hey there!
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. You clearly didnt deserve to go through that, and i am really really proud of you for opening up today.
I understand that this all seems very confusing for you - and that its difficult to deal with that.
However, it is still considered rape even if you do not say "no" during the sexual actions such as in the case where a weapon is used. Sometimes you are too concerned for your life or safety to say, "no." This is still considered rape. If you say: no (you said no earlier in the evening!), not sure, not right now, or silence (...etc.) it means no. Only yes means yes.
Consent is not the absence of no, but the presence of yes! And you even told him earlier in the evening, that you dont want to. Once a no is enough.
I cant even imagine how difficult it must be to cope with all this, but i want you to know that you are strong. And you are not alone in this.
I understand it may seems difficult to believe that, but i promise you, you arent alone. You have my, and the trauma community s, full support through this all and we d love to help you with your up and downs in life.
Safe hugs if you want them, we are all here for you 
Take care!
@Hope3729
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer and putting your heart into it. I sincerely appreciate it. I know you are right. I knew it that night but talked myself into not seeing it that way. I honestly want to believe the best in people and try to understand that ignorance is not their fault. Sometimes I use my reasoning in a wrong way to justify their actions. It makes it less confrontational for me and less traumatizing if I believe that they didnt mean to.
I am coming to grips with it though. I know his brother is right and that I need to limit my dealings with him. I am not planning to quit talking to him completely since I am friends with his mom and his family, but I do plan to make sure that I do not leave myself alone with him. That was his brother's advice. He just thinks that I need to make sure I am not in a situation again where I am open to the possibility of it happening.
He also warned me against being too open with him or allowing myself to get too close to him. He said that his brother is one who tends to use the weaknesses of other people to his own advantage and that he lacks sincerity in human relationships. He tries hard to accept him because he is his brother and does have mental issues but the kind that he has causes him to lack care for anything other than himself and what he wants/needs/desires. (He is anti-social) His brother said that he doesn't go around anyone, not even his own family, unless there is an underlying motive... something he wants or needs. He has a strong sense of entitlement and believes that people owe him but resents when people express their own desires of him. Such as, if someone asks him to do anything, he resents it. He doesnt want to anything for others and he only will if he thinks he can gain something he wants.
It's a tough situation because I am one who doesn't like to shun anyone, especially when I know there is a medical problem. The truth though, as his brother pointed out to me, trauma survivors and people with certain anti-social disorders can be a dangerous mix, even just as friends.
Again, thank you for responding. It means a lot to know that you and the rest of the team are here for me/us.
@TeenyTinyAppy i totally understand that you just dont want to believe it when people treat you bad, like you said, it made it less confrontational for you in that moment.
I think this is one very important thing you should be proud of - you see the good things in people, you believe in them. Of course that can be bad for us sometimes, people will maybe use our kindness, but in the end of the day, if being too kind is your worst flaw, you are doing just right. There are too many people out there who dont see the good in people and who try to share bitterness. The kind ones are always the ones who make a change in the world.
And i am really proud of you for taking such big steps. You confronted yourself with the situation and that takes lots of courage.
I am glad to hear that his brother supports you in this situation and warns you. He and I both know your worth and that you deserve to be treated better by people.
It sounds like a good plan that you are trying to not be alone with him. I think that its an important step in the right direction!
You are really doing amazing. You confronted yourself with it, you saw the bitter truth. You dont run away from it, no, you keep fighting. And i think thats very inspirational. And trust me when i say that you are stronger than what happened to you.
