I need help
Here is my story••• im 18 years old and I have a lot of, what my friends call, "issues". As a young child, I was sexually abused by my step brother. My step dad, I had a feeling, knew all along because he would always make faces and smile at me. He began to touch me inappropriately when my mother was not around. one time he told me to look at pictures on his phone and they were nudes.. Both son and father said things to me that have been engraved into my mind and I'll never forget them. As I approached my 8th grade year, I began to notice that all my friends were getting attention that I didn't get. I started to realize I wasn't as pretty, skinny, popular, funny, as all my friends. I then began to cut. I cut myself and I was ashamed of it. I liked how it made me feel, I liked having scars, I liked the way it looked. I continued to cut throughout high school with little people knowing. I told my best friend and he was very worried about me but I didn't seem to care, I loved it (still do) during high school I never got the attention I desired due to the lack of involvement of my father. He was always drinking and didn't think twice about his kids. Anyways, It didn't take long for me to notice I wasn't good enough for people. I tried committing suicide but was never "successful" high school was just a time of sadness, loneliness, confusing and no one had any idea. I kept all my thoughts normally to myself. My sophomore year, I started drinking. I loved it. It made me happy and that's all I was looking for. Happiness. Then I started smoking, which I did not and still do not enjoy. I kept drinking in high school. Every weekend or when times were tough and I needed to forget about everything. Senior year came around and I started getting the attention I wanted from guys (but only drunk) I started betraying my friends and hooking up with their boyfriends. It went in all throughout senior year. I never hurt my best friend though. She meant so much more to me than any of my friends combined because she gets me. She is like me. But Recently, I betrayed her. I had sex with the love of her life and I couldn't hate myself more. I did the one thing I said I would never do. And I hate myself. I do cocaine all the time. Drink all the time. And also during my senior year I had a little addiction to pills. I've been thinking about taking pills again because they make me happy. They make me not think, just like alcohol but im tired of that "high" I want more. Need more to be happy. I have no motivation to do anything. In so tired all the time and While im drunk I catch myself standing on a building looking at the ground imagining how great it would be for everyone if I just died. Suicide is a thought that never leaves my head. I've lost everyone in my life. Everyone I really care about. Everyone hates me. No one cares about me. I've been struggling so bad lately. Im so alone. My heart aches/hurts. I don't know what to do. Pills alcohol drugs, my first option. I know I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't cut but it's tempting. It's all so tempting.
Sorry for the rant. Im all over the place. I don't know if any of it made sense. But I hate myself. No one loves me. I can't do it anymore :(
@Stillirise
Oh my dear friend, your life story is so powerful to read, and I'm not quite sure how to answer you, but i do believe you most definitely deserve a response, so I'll try my best okay. .....
What happened to you in your younger years should never of happened to you, and I'm truly sorry you experienced that, I do feel this has been very much the root of your behavior since, and your desire to hit the self destruct button has left you feeling somewhat worthless. But let me tell you dear, you are not worthless, far from it, yes, you have made mistakes and bad choices but haven't we all. .....!
It does not sound like you have received much guidance or support during your early years, which are paramount foundations to build a secure life on.
I wonder if you have ever received any counseling sessions? I really think this should be your first point of call in order for you to deal with your past, and reach your future in a much more positive way.
You can deal with each issue separately, break in down, piece by piece, and in time, with the right support and help, you can fix the puzzle back together, and file it in the "dealt" box for good!
Life does not always have to be this way for you, there are people here to help you, there is no need to feel alone or isolated, and with professional help, I do believe you can be a much happier person.
I hope you think about seeking some help because your worth it and are important too.
Very best of luck to you, I really hope things work out.
First thing I'd like to say is how glad I am that you found us and decided to share your story with us. I know it wasn't easy and at times you may have believed there was no point to it, but you reached out regardless. And I applaud you for your bravery, your courage, and your strength.
I am so sorry to hear about all you've been through and the immense amount of pain you are feeling. It's an incredibly hopeless feeling when you hate yourself and feel like there's no way you can keep going and it's a feeling I am very familiar with.
I want you to know that I do not think you're a bad person. I think you are worthy of love, respect, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion. You deserve a safe and loving future just as much as anyone else. Your past does not dictate your future.
Before I say the next part, please know that I am not a doctor, nor am I a therapist. I was sexually abused off and on growing up. The first time was when I was very young. What I am about to say is based off of my own experiences, and, while very similar to yours, it is not the same and I acknowledge that. But I wanted to give you my insight/opinion regardless:
I believe you are trying to escape from some pretty dark and traumatizing feelings/experiences and you're self-medicating in any way you know how. You're escaping with alcohol, sex, drugs, self harm and suicidal thoughts. The problem with this is that eventually it reaches a point where it isn't enough anymore. The high you used to crave and rely on doesn't cut it. So you reach for more, cut more, take more, drink more, sleep with people you swore you never would; and it keeps spiraling until eventually, you are unable to recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror.
I also believe that the sexual abuse you went through has temporarily obstructed some healthy boundaries needed to ensure you sought the love you deserved, instead of settling for any love you could find. However,
Boundaries can be repaired. Downward spirals can be stopped. Unhealthy coping methods can be gradually weaned off. There is always hope.
You are not hopeless. I encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist and begin the process of healing. They will guide you through what needs to be done to move forward onto a safer and more secure path. It won't be easy, but it sounds like you're accustomed, as am I, to things being anything but easy. But the good thing is that we don't need easy, we just need possible. And this is very possible.
It is possible to remake yourself and your life into something you can love and be proud of without ending it completely.
This doesn't have to be the end. Reach out to a therapist, seek help, speak to people here; you have many options available to you still.
I am so proud of you for making it this far and surviving each day up until now. You are amazing and you deserve an equally amazing future. I wish you the best of luck and I am so glad you found us.