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Stillirise
534 M Embraced 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts21 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2015 Member sinceOctober 12, 2015
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I need help
Trauma Support / by Stillirise
Last post
 October 29th, 2015
...See more Here is my story••• im 18 years old and I have a lot of, what my friends call, "issues". As a young child, I was sexually abused by my step brother. My step dad, I had a feeling, knew all along because he would always make faces and smile at me. He began to touch me inappropriately when my mother was not around. one time he told me to look at pictures on his phone and they were nudes.. Both son and father said things to me that have been engraved into my mind and I'll never forget them. As I approached my 8th grade year, I began to notice that all my friends were getting attention that I didn't get. I started to realize I wasn't as pretty, skinny, popular, funny, as all my friends. I then began to cut. I cut myself and I was ashamed of it. I liked how it made me feel, I liked having scars, I liked the way it looked. I continued to cut throughout high school with little people knowing. I told my best friend and he was very worried about me but I didn't seem to care, I loved it (still do) during high school I never got the attention I desired due to the lack of involvement of my father. He was always drinking and didn't think twice about his kids. Anyways, It didn't take long for me to notice I wasn't good enough for people. I tried committing suicide but was never "successful" high school was just a time of sadness, loneliness, confusing and no one had any idea. I kept all my thoughts normally to myself. My sophomore year, I started drinking. I loved it. It made me happy and that's all I was looking for. Happiness. Then I started smoking, which I did not and still do not enjoy. I kept drinking in high school. Every weekend or when times were tough and I needed to forget about everything. Senior year came around and I started getting the attention I wanted from guys (but only drunk) I started betraying my friends and hooking up with their boyfriends. It went in all throughout senior year. I never hurt my best friend though. She meant so much more to me than any of my friends combined because she gets me. She is like me. But Recently, I betrayed her. I had sex with the love of her life and I couldn't hate myself more. I did the one thing I said I would never do. And I hate myself. I do cocaine all the time. Drink all the time. And also during my senior year I had a little addiction to pills. I've been thinking about taking pills again because they make me happy. They make me not think, just like alcohol but im tired of that "high" I want more. Need more to be happy. I have no motivation to do anything. In so tired all the time and While im drunk I catch myself standing on a building looking at the ground imagining how great it would be for everyone if I just died. Suicide is a thought that never leaves my head. I've lost everyone in my life. Everyone I really care about. Everyone hates me. No one cares about me. I've been struggling so bad lately. Im so alone. My heart aches/hurts. I don't know what to do. Pills alcohol drugs, my first option. I know I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't cut but it's tempting. It's all so tempting. Sorry for the rant. Im all over the place. I don't know if any of it made sense. But I hate myself. No one loves me. I can't do it anymore :(
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