I feel worthless
I was 10 when an old man abused me in bus, his hand move from my thighs, he opened my skirt slowly that reach my sex, and I was just froze, I keep silent when he do that, he keep asking me about, my name, school, my family, what time I usually ride the bus, and I just stupidity answer all of his question. There's someone beside me, but he pretend didn't see any of this. I just keep silent, until I arrived at home, and I talk to my father, but he didn't do anything about it, neither my mother, and then tomorrow come, I forget about any of this, pretend that nothing happens.
I was 15 when I lost my virginity, by someone I meet in social media, and I regret but I do it again with my boyfriend, and with someone else, then I stop.
I was 17 when I stop to had a boyfriend, mostly because I feel disgust of my self, I hate myself with meaningless thing that I did.
I feel disgusting, and the impact was I become ignorance with people, I don't keep relationship with others, once I know them, then one day I will run from them, I don't trust people anymore, I usually forget everything that's happened, and tomorrow come it will be just gonna fine day like yesterday.
I feel ashamed, worthless, and disgusting. I'm not good, for others that's why I keep the distance from others, shut myself from having a relationship.
I'm afraid they will leave me......
@Rena21
I'm so sorry you went through this and someone took advantage of you while others did nothing and dismissed it. Your forgetting the situations is pretty common for some survivors. It is like stuffing what happened deep inside so you can go on with out feeling horrible, because it's stuffed so deep, sometimes it's not even remembered for a long time. Some others dissociate... they experienced the event, but they don't remember the details or they don't remember it at all happening. These are the ways some cope with such a traumatic experience. Sexually, some survivors become hypersexual, while others may become hyposexual or even asexual in an attempt to cope or to provide safety, or for even some, a choice to have control over their bodies since they didn't when it happened.
You didn't deserve to be assaulted, and you definitely are not bad. You coped the ways you knew how, and that's what you thought you needed to do at the time. You did great to share such an intense event here with us. If you need to talk to a listener in addition to posting, there are several who have experience themselves in being assaulted or know someone who has been and can understand your need to share more.
Can you identify what coping skills you use now to help you get through this?
@KristenHR
Hello thanks for listening my story, and willing to support me. Well it's like what I said to my story, whenever bad think happen, than I said this to myself "it's okay, it's gonna be fine tomorrow, you can trough this, hang in there, you don't need them, you can survive, like you always do. Ignore them" it's like a spell to me, and tomorrow I walk bravely like noting can disturb me, as the time being, I forget about it. In my mine it's like the bad thing never happen before, just my imagination. Well I think that was my coping.
