I feel broken
this is a vent but thank you if you read. take care <3
I feel like I don't deserve to feel the way I do. it feels like my feelings about my own two non-consenting experiences are overdramatizing what happened to me. I want to not think of sex as just non-consensual, or sexual assault. I wish I could see it differently. since I'm in college it's hard to not think about my worse experiences when all anyone talks about is having sex and one-night stands. its so present around me that so many people just have sex and its not hard for them.
But in both of my experiences, I either revoked consent or didn't consent but still continued because I felt pressured. I only stopped by pulling away from him, or the second time my friend knocked on the door and thankfully stopped him and I from going further. (keep in mind this was 2 different situations, 2 different guys).
It's so hard for me not to think about it because the 2nd situation happened only 2 weeks ago and ive hung out with the guy and my girl friend twice since then. The 2nd experience resurfaced thoughts about what happened the first time I didnt consent. its just so overwhelming.
how am I supposed to just continue my life after it, and not feel like it was my fault? I want to hook up with someone just to prove to myself I can do it but that would only traumatize me more. earlier my friend was mentioning how she was texting a guy and he was sending spicy pictures and wanted to hookup but she said shes never even kissed a guy before. and I told her to go slow and at her pace cause she doesnt want to do something she regrets.
it feels like if I dont have sex or at least try to ill get left behind cause that seems like the only thing most teenagers care about anymore. im lonely but how can I connect when no one wants to know me as a person, only for my body? im back in therapy but I still have 2 weeks till my next session and these horrible feelings and memories just never go away. I cant take much more.
First I want to say, never ever feel pressured to do anything sexual just because it's the "norm" for people around you. There are so many people around you that are probably in the same situation as you or haven't done anything with anyone at all yet. Cause like how you told your friend, you can definitely go at your own pace. Non consensual sex due to pressure from society or from the other person, isn't healthy at all. It takes pieces from you slowly until you end up feeling awful like the way you do now. And sex is supposed to be something to enjoy when you are ready. Not something you need to do as a chore just because everyone else is doing it. Please allow yourself to take the time you need for when YOU Say you're ready. Not your friends, not any guys and not from society. Only you. I'm sorry your sexual experiences have not been the greatest when they should have been. And if you can, allow yourself to heal from your past occurrences before you try diving into that world. You deserve to have peace of mind and control over your sex life. It's not a race trust me you'll have plenty of time do that stuff later. Focus on yourself and I hope things look up for you from here on out. Much love and good luck
No problem I wish you the best and I'm free if you ever need to let things off your chest :)
@NovaCat227 @NovaCat227 I appreciate you offering, and I might have to take you up on it sometime. My listener account is @Gracehh21 since we cant chat through both of our member accounts. Whenever you're available id enjoy chatting for a bit :)
I'm glad you want to talk an I appreciate you as well! I'll kick you a message soon
I am really sorry that you went through this and are also dealing with the emotional aspect of it. First of all, I want to acknowledge how strong you are to even be able to share what happened to you and to be so transparent about what you are feeling. That is really amazing. Secondly, you have the right to revoke consent at any time. It is your body, your mind, your heart and you don't owe anything to anyone. You should never feel pressure or forced and if you ever do get out of there. ASAP. Protect your body and your mind....and your energy.
@kindnessngrace
Some people have already given great responses. I hope that those helped. I wanted to add my two cents. It was "not your fault". Kindly do not ever feel any guilt. Feel no peer pressure or any other kind of pressure. Do things only when & with whoever you feel comfortable. Wishing you good luck!
tybvy