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kindnessngrace
1 30,135 M Determined Treads 1
PathStep 42 Compassion hearts731 Forum posts72 Forum upvotes120 Current upvotes120 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2020
Bio

I love reading, writing, painting, sleeping, dancing, and helping others.

I'd like to overcome my self esteem issues, dealing with body image and loneliness. These are three things in my life that I want to improve on, as well as watching my weight, being more active.


Recent forum posts
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Requesting coping methods or a listening ear
Trauma Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 November 6th, 2023
...See more (Warning for talks about SA and coping mechanisms ex. ***) Hi all, I am just hoping for some friendly advice or someone to talk to. It has been a rough few weeks, my roommate moved out which gave me my own space at college for once and with that, my ability to stay in bed late and *** a lot. I know that hyper sexuality can be an effect of sexual assault, but for me it's gotten really out of hand but I don't know how to solve the problem. I have 3-5 different guys I'll be ***/talking to at one time (I know it sounds bad). I'll be in bed until around 3 or 4pm often because I don't have class until 4pm on MWF so I feel no rush to get up out of bed, which then leads to the *** obsession. Plus getting up late means not eating much all day which leads me to feel drowsy, have negative thinking, spirals, etc. I want to find a better way to cope with my assault than ***. But I need something that keeps my brain quiet. When I'm not online with someone or attempting to find someone who's available, my brain is consumed with thoughts about my assault, going through the "was I guilty? was it consent?" questions when I know that being under influence of alcohol means you can't consent at all. I will never know the true and full answer, only that my instinct 2 weeks after it happened was that I regretted it and felt wrong in my body. If anyone has recommendations of healthy coping methods I could try, or someone to talk to, I would appreciate it a lot. Most of the time it's just nice to feel like you're not alone. <3 Grace
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I Thought I Knew Him
Trauma Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 August 31st, 2023
...See more I've had 3 situations where I would consider them some form of sexual assault. The first doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things, but the second time was much more harmful to my mental health and happened a year ago this past Sunday. I've been struggling again this last week with *** and pushing myself to do it even when I lose sleep staying up late to do it. While this is not the main point of this post, I thought it would be helpful context. The main issue is my former college band director (he quit back in May to move states). He did some *** things when he left, was really petty and it's been a nightmare for the whole band to figure out. I guess what I'm most ashamed of is believing he was a good person. He started texting me pretty quickly after I joined band in January 2022. We were texting and I was just glad I had a person to connect with, he seemed nice and I thought nothing of it. He suggested we start meeting for coffee because he preferred face-to-face talking. I figured it was just fun cause we had a smaller band and he was making an effort to get to know me. We talked up to last May and at that point, he knew he was leaving and started getting more sexual with me over text. He knew I had been having some internal struggles with my mental health regarding my past experiences that went wrong and to put it simply, it was very inappropriate but I went along with it for some reason, I convinced myself it wasn't as bad as I thought even if it made me uncomfortable. So, now with him leaving in a really rude and petty way, I feel ashamed for even letting him get to know me or talking to me sexually like that and for sending things back. It took me at least a month to realize what we had done and to go back through our messages and see what I had "been okay with" at the time. and apparently, he's been weird with other students as well so that's also not reassuring for me or them. I hope they're doing okay. I think I'm just really ashamed for convincing myself he was okay to talk to in a non-professional way and upset that he turned out to be a completely different person when he quit. It feels like sexual assault all over again, it's really hard to convince myself there are good people out there who aren't just taking advantage of my kindness, my trauma, and my vulnerability. Thank you for reading if you got this far <3
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Struggling to be okay with myself
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 June 23rd, 2023
...See more This upcoming August will be a year since I consider what was me being sexually assaulted by a friend while I was under the influence of alcohol. It’s been a journey of struggles but also good days where I was able to push past it. It comes in waves but today was a rough one. I overanalyzed my sexuality and my experience with guys and sex. I was so vulnerable in the moment with the guy who did it and naturally my brain first goes to believe it was assault but then the other part of me thinks it’s not and it could’ve been my fault etc. either way, I’m struggling to figure out what this experience means for me and my future partner/relationships. Idk how to even acknowledge the idea of being with someone platonically, much less having sex with someone and feeling that nervous and vulnerable. I crave sex in the way that my brain is convinced it’s the only type of intimacy. I know logically that it’s not, but I am scared to call myself asexual even if I might align with it because it means that I have to relearn what intimacy and relationships mean for me. I’m scared of being alone, so thinking I could be limiting who could want me doesn’t help either. If you read this far then thank you. <3
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Little Passion for anything
Student Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 March 20th, 2023
...See more I just got off the phone with my parents and told them I was thinking of changing majors because I feel like it's not what I was expecting. Keeping in mind I'm a business administration major (leadership for sustainability concentration). I told them I was thinking of changing to communications because I've found required courses like accounting and economics difficult. For my BA major, there are 2 Econs and 3 accountings required to take and last semester I got a C in Econ and I currently have a C in accounting. I just cannot make myself engaged and do well because I find the content so boring and I chose that major looking for more of an "advertising" type of business, related to sustainability. I can't get myself to go to lab for help with concepts because I don't want to feel weak by asking for help but then I end up making it worse and making my GPA drop. im already at a low GPA because of previous classes and its likely going to drop below a 3.0 which is required to keep my annual scholarship. My parents pay more for me to go to school here than they would've if I'd stayed at home, so losing that scholarship would be horrible for the cost of my education but it would also likely make them wish id gone to school at home instead. Plus my sister is in school at the same time as me so its double the amount of money being spent. My dad said I could do the business degree and that I should expect hard classes because its business, and college will have difficult classes. it felt invalidating but at the same time, I know he's right. I just can't make myself care to do well in those classes. my mom then asked why I was looking at communication. keeping in mind my sister is also in that major and my mom worries about what job she'll get from it since she worked in communication and knows how the industry is changing because her job with the newspaper died. Both my parents kept telling me to consider why I'd want to change, what jobs would come from changing, what salaries, etc. and I understand those are valid questions. I just find the whole situation difficult and annoying to think about. I want my parents to understand but I also want to feel like my major is worth the money they're paying for me to go to this college. I don't want to feel guilty for wasting their money on classes I didn't need, even though I already feel guilty. I just wish it made more sense and they wouldn't question me as much but I know that's their job to question me and help me figure things out. and I know some people don't care as much about sustainability as I do but I genuinely get anxious thinking about how the world will be so f-ed up in probaly 10-30 years because of climate change and so then I think about why does it matter what degree I get when we might not even be alive by then. As well as the anxiety about having enough money to live by myself and find a well paying job. I'm constantly anxious about these things so in my head I just want to give up because why would anything matter for college or future jobs if I wont even see myself retired. Thank you for reading if you did, I know this is a lot <3
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It Takes so Long
Trauma Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 January 29th, 2023
...See more Is there anyone who would feel comfortable listening to me talk about recent changes in my life involving the assault 5 months ago? I'd greatly appreciate someone to talk to today. Take care <3
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Feeling really disconnected
Relationship Stress / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 October 28th, 2022
...See more I’m so tired and anxious. I battled all day over whether or not I should go to a guys hotel room to hookup with him. In the end I didn’t go and blocked his sna/pchat user but it left me feeling even more lonely and ashamed of even trying to get a connection to somebody that way. I’ve struggled with negative mental health issues as a result of sexting in the past and it’s like a drug that I know won’t have good consequences but it’s something I still (while more rarely) do. i also recently went through a sexual assault by a friend. Overall I’m just very lonely, seeking connection the only way I’ve seen works even though that way isn’t a positive connection. I hate hookup culture, likely for the reasons above, but continue to do it cause it’s the norm for college students like me. Honestly I’m very tired of feeling sad, I’ve been going to biweekly therapy but there’s just nothing that feels like it’s working. This situation tonight felt like a setback cause I haven’t allowed myself to sext in so long, and it feels like I knew my boundaries but dismissed them because I didn’t want to let the stranger behind the other phone down. I’m just struggling a lot recently and trying to see the good in things but it’s really difficult sometimes
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I feel broken
Trauma Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 January 30th, 2023
...See more this is a vent but thank you if you read. take care <3 I feel like I don't deserve to feel the way I do. it feels like my feelings about my own two non-consenting experiences are overdramatizing what happened to me. I want to not think of sex as just non-consensual, or sexual assault. I wish I could see it differently. since I'm in college it's hard to not think about my worse experiences when all anyone talks about is having sex and one-night stands. its so present around me that so many people just have sex and its not hard for them. But in both of my experiences, I either revoked consent or didn't consent but still continued because I felt pressured. I only stopped by pulling away from him, or the second time my friend knocked on the door and thankfully stopped him and I from going further. (keep in mind this was 2 different situations, 2 different guys). It's so hard for me not to think about it because the 2nd situation happened only 2 weeks ago and ive hung out with the guy and my girl friend twice since then. The 2nd experience resurfaced thoughts about what happened the first time I didnt consent. its just so overwhelming. how am I supposed to just continue my life after it, and not feel like it was my fault? I want to hook up with someone just to prove to myself I can do it but that would only traumatize me more. earlier my friend was mentioning how she was texting a guy and he was sending spicy pictures and wanted to hookup but she said shes never even kissed a guy before. and I told her to go slow and at her pace cause she doesnt want to do something she regrets. it feels like if I dont have sex or at least try to ill get left behind cause that seems like the only thing most teenagers care about anymore. im lonely but how can I connect when no one wants to know me as a person, only for my body? im back in therapy but I still have 2 weeks till my next session and these horrible feelings and memories just never go away. I cant take much more.
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Hi
Trauma Support / by kindnessngrace
Last post
 July 20th, 2022
...See more Tw for non-consensual: So back in march, I found a guy on a anonymous app and we shared snapchats. I was just happy to have someone to talk to (at the time I was in college for my first year and struggling with loneliness). we facetimed too a few times and while we did that, one day we must've been more explicit in our texts. I was talking to him and he pointed his phone down at his "anatomy" and I was so shocked he'd do that. He asked if it was fine and I said yes cause I was nervous and didn't want things to be awkward. On that same call, he probably showed it at least 3 times where he was touching himself on camera, and as a result I think I felt peer pressured again. So, at one point I had started taking my shirt off but his call ended randomly and it sent me into a panic, I started hyperventilating. I told him I needed to wait before I called him back cause I got overwhelmed and it was fine. After that day, he started asking about meeting in person and I got scared and blocked him. A week after this, I unblocked him cause I thought he would be different, I was stupid. He apologized for what he did on FaceTime a week ago, and then we agreed to meet up, we went out one night and it was nice (held hands, walked around the city, talked). then the next day he was going to come over to my dorm after work and he fell asleep (I felt bad from being stood up) but then he offered to make it up to me by taking me to the beach that night and we could cuddle and talk in his car. I told him through texting multiple times that I didn't feel comfortable doing more than kissing while we were together. we walked on the beach and it was nice (he kissed my face and held my hand, hugged me) but when we stopped he looked at me and I was hesitant cause I knew where it was headed. He kissed me without asking and then I felt pressured so I kissed his cheek and we hugged; then we pulled away and I kissed him back cause I was worried how he'd react if I didnt (I dont like making others uncomfortable no matter what situation it puts me in). We walked back to his car and talked and lay down in the backseat. we kissed more there and the whole time I felt weird. I could barely look at him as if I felt guilty for leading him on when I didn't want anything. at one point he said to get on his lap and I did. We kissed and he started rocking my body down on his and I kept pulling away from the kisses and apologized. he said it was fine but after a couple times breaking apart we left and he took me home cause it was late. After that, he kept asking if we could meet and I kept declining cause I had school work, and I felt bad about what i'd done with him. We set new boundaries and both said we weren't looking for long term, and admitted we would go separate ways if we found a long term person, but the other night still upset me. Thats when he asked about my roommate (said she was cute and asked if he could have her snapchat). This was after he'd joked over text about coming to my dorm and cuddling with my roommate and I, which I red flagged. Pretty soon after, I sent him an apology message and then blocked him after deciding "experimenting" with him was now off the table with my personal boundaries. ------ Looking back at it, this happened a little over 3 months ago, but it's caused some serious mental issues as a result. I think about what happened every day (overthink), think about how guilty and ashamed I feel for this temporary relief from loneliness (but also ashamed I'd make that decision). He was my first kiss, first cuddle, first hand hold, first "date" if you'd call it that. I hate that I was so quick to act and it resulted in an experience that I now realize I didn't want and sticks in my mind to this day. I struggle to process that this counts as sexual assault even if it was just me not being consensual. I didn't say no, didn't clearly give signs but I said it was okay when he would ask. it's all a battle in my mind; I have recently had thoughts of self harm and haven't told my family since its so personal and terrifying for them to see me differently. (I plan to go back to therapy as soon as I go back to college in august; its free and confidential from family). If you have any thoughts or tips for me id very much appreciate but this is also just a rant.
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