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I am so confused

Saltandchili April 19th, 2021

TW - sexual assault and grooming 3 years ago I became homeless and began getting groomed by one of my male teachers. I was F15 he was M35. It started gradual but progressed over the course of one and a half years. Over that time lots of weird and uncomfortable stuff happened but nothing too crazy. However one time he got me behind the stage in my school, threw me onto the ground and lay on top of me. I literally froze and it felt like 10 minutes but in reality it was probably only 2. He didn't do anything but I remember just accepting my fate and I know that of he wanted to he could've. However I moved on from that and I was GRATEFUL that he didn't do anything else. Anyway fast foward to today. He had left the school for a year and now he's back. However he says that he has a video of him sexual assaulting me and showed me a snippet of it AND IT WAS ME!! We had went on a school trip and I can recognise where we are but I am totally unconscious and I am so confused. I have the tinest memory of being carried somewhere before but I have no clue how I got back into my room without anybody being alerted. I shared with two other people. I never knew I got sexual assaulted but now I am so confused and scared. My confidence in myself and my own memories is gone because I literally did not know that I had been attacked and I think that is honestly embarrassing for me. If anyone knows anything that could help please let me know, I reported him to the school in an anonymous email but they clearly didn't do anything and I don't have the strength to tell anyone :(

3
intelligentEast43 April 19th, 2021

My thoughts are with you.

amiableBlackberry92 April 20th, 2021

Dear Salt, I am so sorry you had to deal with that. I understand the grooming part as alot of ppl will not get that. Therapy has been incredibly supportive for me . I started that first and then meds, which the 2 together were amazing to my healing. 7 cups is a great resource! Reach out to a trusted person. If your still a student there may be some services provided by your school counseling office and they are trained to help you . I know how hard it is to tell. Im so sorry. I'm here if you need someone. Your not alone in your experience and remember you are not at fault these adults are supposed to protect not hurt you. ABB

peacefulIris56 April 20th, 2021

I understand how you feel scared and confused about this situation. It's to you that something happened to you and you do not know what happened exactly. It understand that you are scared too because this guy popped up back into your life. I see how this is confusing for you as well because you didn't remember this happening to you. The fact that he did those things to you and that he entered into your life again is scary because you are uncertain of what he may do. Also, the school will do nothing about it. It's understandable to feel scared and unsafe. I know that this hard for you because of the feelings on embarrassment. I am glad that you have the courage to reach out. By reporting him, what would you like to achieve?