How to keep going?
How can I keep going? It is so easy to say to calm down and breathe... And then what? It doesn't change anything. Bad memories are always there, voices and noises haunt me tirelessly and I can't escape, and it seems to get worse with time. How can I keep going?
I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of walking, I'm tired of trying to pretend that everything is ok and to continue with my life. How can I keep going when I feel tired just seconds after I wake up in the morning? My mind is tired, my body is tired, my soul is tired. I can't even get enough rest in my dreams because he's always there, awaiting for me, doing it again and again and again until I wake up in pain, just to face a meaningless reality where every second lasts and hour and it is as empty and pointless as the second before.
He took everything away from me. There is no light in me anymore. I'm tired and I don't know how to keep going.
You should keep going because you can't give up on yourself. No matter what have happened to you, the only one who can save u is u. I've also felt like that but there's always a little tiny light. You can step up for yourself and try again and again. Please don't give up, even if it's to hard to breath, stay.
@EimmyG2
I see that tiny light in the words you and everyone here tell me, and I'm so thankful. I'm staying, and no matter how tired and hopeless I am, I know myself and I know that I love myself enough to not give up.
@Kimmkimm Hey Kim
I understand what you mean. It's so hard fighting the same thing every day. The nightmares at night - the triggers during the day. Being so freaking tired - that it takes all you have to just doing the breathing
The therapist says that things get worse before they get better. Because I had thought that things would be better here by now and it's not. But he assures me that one day - it will be. I trust his words. Because some days that's all I have. His words that it wil get better
Sometimes - it's best to not pretend things are ok - allow yourself to admit to yourself and everyone who will listen that it's not ok - the people who love you and care about you will help you - tell your truth - talk about what happened. You were hurt and like you said - he took everything from you. Be silent no more - rant and rage about it - talk and break the silence - then you can take back what he took - it might not be the same but you can rebuild it
You are amazing Kim - I see your posts to people - and the kindness and gentle support that you offer is beautiful - even with what you're dealing with - you're still there for people. You are strong - stronger then you feel right now. The way I look at it - as many times as I want to give up and quit - I can't - because if I do - they win. I can't let that happen - they've taken enough - I can't give them any more - I refuse to let them take - me - as battered and broken as I may be - they can't have what's left. What's left is mine and I will fight for it - I need to fight for it. So do you - you are worth the fight Kim - you might not see it now - but it's there
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm doing it, I'm not letting them win. I'm trying to keep as busy as I can. I've been skipping school because my classmates are mean with me, but I've been studying day and night, I've finished all my assignments but it is so exhausting. Trying to keep my mind away from memories drains all my energy. But I can't allow my mind a minute to rest because if I do, I have terrifying flashbacks. Two nights ago I had the worst flashback I've ever had. I could say it was not a flashback, it was real, everything was real and it happened again. And I feel defeated, I feel beaten, I feel touched, I feel dirty, and I feel guilty because I know I didn't fight back, I cooperated, I did indescribable things. And I felt pleasure. What kind of monster am I to enjoy such a terrible thing? Guilt is the worst feeling, it consumes me slowly and it,s always there.
I don't know you but I wish so bad that you could hug me. Your words were so kind and melted my heart, and maybe that is what I need to keep going. Thank you, so much. I promise I'll keep going.
@Kimmkimm *hugs you tight* I know it's not the same - but I hug you in my mind
It's tiring - keeping busy all the time - just so you don't think. It is a trauma response. Anything to avoid thinking about it. The fear and anxiety eat up energy too. You get to where you're afraid to go to bed - afraid to sleep because you know what is waiting. I have the same problem - some night I am terrified to close my eyes. I do this thing - usually I do it for pain but I found it works for anxiety too and it has helped me to relax. You lay down somewhere that you're comfortable - close your eyes and picture in your mind - you and a tire pump but this one has two ends to it. You use the one end to blow up balloons - any color you want - you fill the balloons with the fear and anxiety - when they're as big as they can get - they pop off and float away and then you fill another - and keep going - just filling up balloons. Time the tire pump to go with your breathing - slow and steady - think about nothing but those balloons. I thought maybe you'd like to try it but there's no obligation or anything - it's just something that helps me sometimes
You're not a monster - you can't help how your body reacts to things. I understand the guilt but the way our bodies react is out of our control. Sometimes there is no other choice then to cooperate - fighting back could have made it worse. It can be so hard when the flashbacks are that intense - I know we're supposed to get to the point where they aren't that way and we can remind ourselves that it's just a flashback - it can be hard to do - especially if you wake up that way. You could look into Image rehearsal therapy - I've been trying that sometimes for nightmares - but you might want to talk to your therapist about it first - if you don't have one maybe look into it alittle. If it's not a nightmare flashback and just a bad flashback - try to shift your focus to your puppy. Pet her coat - notice how soft the fur is - put you ear to her side and listen to her heartbeat and her breathing - slow and steady - notice the patterns on her nose - smell her coat - her bubblegum pink tongue - let her help calm you
Lol - I'm getting alittle anxious because I'm worried my reply is getting too long :)
We're all here for you - you don't have to deal with this alone. You're a warrior
Sending you good vibes ok?
Dear @mytwistedsoul
I appreciate every word you tell me. It does not matter if it is a short or a long post. I love reading it and I thank you for taking your time. As you said, nights are as horrifying as days because they come full of nightmares. I tried to describe that in a previous post and it just gets worse and worse. But I liked the idea of the balloons and I'm trying it tonight. I know it will be so helpful and I thank you for that. I know it will be awesome.
@Kimmkimm I hope it does work and you're able to get some rest tonight. You're safe
Maybe there is a place close by where you could take a self defense course? I know the Y usually has classes that you can sign up for. It might help alittle knowing that you can kick some butt
@mytwistedsoul
I think it worked. I tried it and I fell asleep in just minutes and without worries. I think I woke up but I can barely remember. Anyway, I feel rested, I had a nice night.
@Kimmkimm I'm glad you feel rested :) I was wondering it you tried it and if it helped any - but didn't want to ask
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you so much for checking on me. I already feel so close to you, I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable. I'm really thankful for everything you've told me and for listening to me. I don't feel alone. 🤗🤗🤗
@Kimmkimm You're very welcome :) you're not making me uncomfortable at all. This is heavy stuff we're all trying to work through - many hands make heavy work light. I'm allways happy to listen - I may not allways know the right things to say but sometimes we just need someone there to hold a light in the darkness
Be gentle with yourself ok? We're all here for you
@mytwistedsoul
I am being gentle. I want to share a little victory I had today. I was able to have my bubbles (word used instead some other triggering words described in my bio) and I feel clean and fresh. I feel comfortable and I smell good. This is silly, I know, but it makes me feel good. 😊
@Kimmkimm Its not silly at all - its wonderful! I'm really glad to hear that you were able to do this! Its actually a pretty big victory! It can make a big difference when we're able to do things like that for ourselves and it counts as self care too. And you went skating too :) you're awesome!
@mytwistedsoul
💖 I wish I could go out to have an icecream with you.
@Kimmkimm That would be alot of fun :) What's your favorite ice cream?
I completely understand these feelings. I just found out that my husband has been having an affair for four years with my best friend! He told me I wasn’t enough and due to my sexual trama he had a resentment to me. So now all those feelings and terrifying soul crushing dreams have come flooding back! But this thread has helped!!! Thank you everyone for sharing. I’m new to this app. So any advice is welcomed!
@dancingqueenalways
Hello Queen. I'm so sorry about the situation with your husband. I have no experience in relationships, in fact I'm aroace and I understand little to nothing of relationship, but I do understand cheating and I think your husband is being selfish and inconsiderate with you. I'm sorry about those thoughts flooding, I know how unsettling that is and how hope may seem like disappearing. But you're here, you're not alone. There are awesome people in here and you can be listened and supported here. It is a big step to reach out. Be strong 💝💝💝
Thank you thank you! In ten years this is the first time I’ve reached out to people that don’t know “us” all my friends and family are ours. Mostly related to him. I can get over him I’m not real worried about that it’s just everything else. From childhood to him! I did try the pumping up balloons. Since I’m in Florida I did it at the ocean in the sun. I didn’t sleep but I did relax and enjoy my happy place.
@dancingqueenalways
The balloons were a great activity. I really liked it. I'm glad it helped you feel relaxed. And wow! Florida must be so nice, the sun, the palmtrees, everything must be like a paradise. The only thing I could not stand is the heat.
I hope you feel a little better after the activity and after having opened your mind and telling your secrets. It is liberating somehow. I want to wish you a very good weekend. Please take care. 🌹🌹
@Kimmkimm
I know you've gone through some horrible things and that life has thrown you some serious curveballs, but I also know that you're a strong person and I know you can get through this. You are a wonderful person and I am so glad we have gotten to know you. I know words can only do so much, my hope is that that you can take some small comfort in your friends and know that we care for you deeply.!
@Fireskye13
Aww💜💜💜💜my little world💜💜💜💜
Where would I be without my friends. I owe everyone in here so much. Thank you, sweety. I'm tryng. 🥰
I love this little world. And yes I’m trying to have a good weekend.
@dancingqueenalways
I hope this weekend goes well for you.
Thank you! I hope you and everyone here today has a great day!!
@Kimmkimm
Oh my friend I wish I can give you the biggest hug in the world if we can meet one day(hopefully you don't mind)
Some of your thoughts sound incredibly familiar to me. The memories that kept me awake at night, that makes me ashamed of myself and wonder the purpose of life if I had to live with all these memories.
I just watched a film yesterday, and here's a line that inspired me, "it's the experience that makes you, you"
sometimes I wish I could get rid of my past and just live a brand new life, but that doesn't make me, myself anymore. If feels like living another person's life. The memories makes me suffer, but they also built me up.
Sometimes I also think that life seems so hard and too tiring to go on, but I would always think about some things that I still wonder, or yet to complete. I wish to see the sakura in Tokyo, I wish to take pictures with Mount Fuji, I wish to try a street food called Churro in Spain, I wish to see the ending of my favourite anime, I wish to travel some extraodinary places and meet some amazing people. And I also think about you, about how a beautiful and wonderful person you are, and maybe we could meet up one day and become good friends.
Whenever I don't see my future, I think about these. so I said to myself, "It's not time to give up yet. You haven't try this. You were given a chance to be born on this world, you gotta live as you wish before leaving"
Sorry for saying a bunch of random stuff but I just want you know that I really really care about you, and I love you Kimm.😘 You are so important to me and I can't imagine me in 7 cups if I have never met you. You are scuh a pretty, kind, and fantastic human being that deserves all the luck and love in this world🌸🌼
I hope you are having a good day kimmkimm and talk to my anytime you wish ⭐️⭐️
@Jnyx
My dear J:
What you say makes so much sense. I'm myself, me, because of all the things I've lived. Maybe if I had never had any peoblem, I would be a horrible and abhorrent. But I'm proud to be a sweet person, and I would gladly endure all my trauma again if it meant to heal one of my friends. Your words are so meaningful.
And you're right, maybe we have to keep dreaming so we can live to make our dreams cone true. I want to meet my friends in here one day, and that is a tremendous motivation to keep going. Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
I hope you're having a good time, and if you're not, please remember that there are people here that care about you and love you a lot, and I count myself between them.
Be safe, take care of yourself, be gentle to yourself and love yourself.
💖💖💖
I can't.
Hello, Never give up on yourself! Thanks for sharing. I really think you should see a therapist.
@pinkMap4438
Thank you. I'm not giving up.
