Hi

Tw for non-consensual:

So back in march, I found a guy on a anonymous app and we shared snapchats. I was just happy to have someone to talk to (at the time I was in college for my first year and struggling with loneliness). we facetimed too a few times and while we did that, one day we must've been more explicit in our texts. I was talking to him and he pointed his phone down at his "anatomy" and I was so shocked he'd do that. He asked if it was fine and I said yes cause I was nervous and didn't want things to be awkward. On that same call, he probably showed it at least 3 times where he was touching himself on camera, and as a result I think I felt peer pressured again. So, at one point I had started taking my shirt off but his call ended randomly and it sent me into a panic, I started hyperventilating. I told him I needed to wait before I called him back cause I got overwhelmed and it was fine. After that day, he started asking about meeting in person and I got scared and blocked him. A week after this, I unblocked him cause I thought he would be different, I was stupid.

He apologized for what he did on FaceTime a week ago, and then we agreed to meet up, we went out one night and it was nice (held hands, walked around the city, talked). then the next day he was going to come over to my dorm after work and he fell asleep (I felt bad from being stood up) but then he offered to make it up to me by taking me to the beach that night and we could cuddle and talk in his car. I told him through texting multiple times that I didn't feel comfortable doing more than kissing while we were together. we walked on the beach and it was nice (he kissed my face and held my hand, hugged me) but when we stopped he looked at me and I was hesitant cause I knew where it was headed. He kissed me without asking and then I felt pressured so I kissed his cheek and we hugged; then we pulled away and I kissed him back cause I was worried how he'd react if I didnt (I dont like making others uncomfortable no matter what situation it puts me in).

We walked back to his car and talked and lay down in the backseat. we kissed more there and the whole time I felt weird. I could barely look at him as if I felt guilty for leading him on when I didn't want anything. at one point he said to get on his lap and I did. We kissed and he started rocking my body down on his and I kept pulling away from the kisses and apologized. he said it was fine but after a couple times breaking apart we left and he took me home cause it was late.

After that, he kept asking if we could meet and I kept declining cause I had school work, and I felt bad about what i'd done with him. We set new boundaries and both said we weren't looking for long term, and admitted we would go separate ways if we found a long term person, but the other night still upset me. Thats when he asked about my roommate (said she was cute and asked if he could have her snapchat). This was after he'd joked over text about coming to my dorm and cuddling with my roommate and I, which I red flagged. Pretty soon after, I sent him an apology message and then blocked him after deciding "experimenting" with him was now off the table with my personal boundaries.

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Looking back at it, this happened a little over 3 months ago, but it's caused some serious mental issues as a result. I think about what happened every day (overthink), think about how guilty and ashamed I feel for this temporary relief from loneliness (but also ashamed I'd make that decision). He was my first kiss, first cuddle, first hand hold, first "date" if you'd call it that. I hate that I was so quick to act and it resulted in an experience that I now realize I didn't want and sticks in my mind to this day. I struggle to process that this counts as sexual assault even if it was just me not being consensual. I didn't say no, didn't clearly give signs but I said it was okay when he would ask. it's all a battle in my mind; I have recently had thoughts of self harm and haven't told my family since its so personal and terrifying for them to see me differently. (I plan to go back to therapy as soon as I go back to college in august; its free and confidential from family).

If you have any thoughts or tips for me id very much appreciate but this is also just a rant.