Hi I'm new here but struggling
Hi. I'm really struggling with my emotions lately. I've just started counselling for my childhood grooming and SA that happened with a close family member who is 7 years older than me.
I find it very hard to differentiate the feelings of love I have for this person as there a close family member and the hate I feel now I'm older and and what he did to me was wrong.
I grew up thinking it was normal and I thought that's how certain family members showed each other they love each other. I was promised toys and gifts if I did what was asked and kept our special secret. But now I feel soo much shame and I'm disgusted with myself for loving this person that abused me for 7 years.
@bestSkies5390
Allow yourself to feel what you want ........regardless of what the relationship is to this person.
love and hate are parallel and can be confused. Give yourself a break at a young age you were taken advantage of by a person who knew it was wrong or would not have asked you to keep a "secret".
Being part of your family does not mean you have to like or love this person .... that is simply not true.... ask yourself how would you feel towards this person if not "family".
Is your confusion around other in family still do not know so they expect you to be close?
IF that is it tell them the TRUTH what type of "family" wants you to be quiet about abuse so it does not ruin gatherings or something.....
My confusion is over how this person made me feel when I was younger and accepting what this person did was wrong it's conflicting. This person is no longer in my life but this is the first time I've started having counselling and it's bought uo all these old feelings.
At that time I felt loved and cherished and special. Now I feel disgusted for having those feelings because I now know I was abused I can say it but its accepting it how do u do that with these feelings at war with eacher
@bestSkies5390
I find looking from a distance which is what people do in therapy is hard to reconcile with seeing it in your own shoes.
you first know you were a child and it was normal to feel special when you have attention and gifts etc from someone you thought you could trust....
After the realization you can not turn back time and if you can see it was not your fault and punishing yourself for that is useless.... THE hardest thing we need to do in many things in life is to let go of the ideas ans feelings that keep us consumed by things we can not change.
@bestSkies5390
I understand and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I also loved my groomer. I know he used me, hurt me and was doing things that were wrong.
It's a twisted relationship that I'm trying to come to terms with. I think all of your feelings are completely normal. Therapy helps alot.
Know that your not alone . I hope this helps a little.
ABB 💜
Thankyou everyone for your replies. I'm glad I found it in me to to talk on this page. There's no judgement which is one of my biggest fears.
