Friendship
Before I even begin, I feel like I need to apologize for the somewhat negative tone of my post. It reflects the way I feel, but I'm trying to explain this issue, rather than simply sharing how I feel... Hope that makes some sense!
I have never had close friends. I have always felt like the spare part, the satellite moon to everyone else's close-knit 'planet popular'. So when I say that this is about my friend, it's in the true sense of the word. It's also in the singular - my friend, as I don't feel, no, I don't have any other friends. I have people I know well that I have come to know through my wife, I have close family who are very supportive, but in the 'my friends' category, for me there is but one.
I met this friend over 10 years ago through work. We work closely together and up until recently we also used to share an office, but due to other reasons, I had to move to the other side of the building. It is this office move that has highlighted the fundamental problem with our friendship.
Although I trust that I can talk with this friend about anything, I have become more and more aware recently how it is always me making the effort, contacting her, going to have a chat - giving a damn! And I hate this, the sense that I'm the needy one, that somehow I'm the plus one, the spare part, that if I was not there it wouldn't make much difference.
Just recently, I was really unwell, and subsequently have found it difficult to get around at work (I have some residual left sided weakness), and the sheer energy I need, together with trying to get back up to speed has made the last few weeks not so great.
Did my 'best' (only) friend get in touch? Yes, one WhatsApp. Has she even spoken to me since I've come back to work to find out how I am? No. I've had a few whispered 'we'll catch up' or equivalent, but no effort to show what I would define as true friendship.
I know my own standards are high, and I'm doing my best not to impose them on her. But all the same, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel fair. It feels like she doesn't care, that our friendship is one of convenience, not trust.
I'm now waiting for her to make the next move, as I've done my bit. I'm not up to chasing this, not right now, as I'm maxed out chasing my own demons.
Grits