Friendship
Before I even begin, I feel like I need to apologize for the somewhat negative tone of my post. It reflects the way I feel, but I'm trying to explain this issue, rather than simply sharing how I feel... Hope that makes some sense!
I have never had close friends. I have always felt like the spare part, the satellite moon to everyone else's close-knit 'planet popular'. So when I say that this is about my friend, it's in the true sense of the word. It's also in the singular - my friend, as I don't feel, no, I don't have any other friends. I have people I know well that I have come to know through my wife, I have close family who are very supportive, but in the 'my friends' category, for me there is but one.
I met this friend over 10 years ago through work. We work closely together and up until recently we also used to share an office, but due to other reasons, I had to move to the other side of the building. It is this office move that has highlighted the fundamental problem with our friendship.
Although I trust that I can talk with this friend about anything, I have become more and more aware recently how it is always me making the effort, contacting her, going to have a chat - giving a damn! And I hate this, the sense that I'm the needy one, that somehow I'm the plus one, the spare part, that if I was not there it wouldn't make much difference.
Just recently, I was really unwell, and subsequently have found it difficult to get around at work (I have some residual left sided weakness), and the sheer energy I need, together with trying to get back up to speed has made the last few weeks not so great.
Did my 'best' (only) friend get in touch? Yes, one WhatsApp. Has she even spoken to me since I've come back to work to find out how I am? No. I've had a few whispered 'we'll catch up' or equivalent, but no effort to show what I would define as true friendship.
I know my own standards are high, and I'm doing my best not to impose them on her. But all the same, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel fair. It feels like she doesn't care, that our friendship is one of convenience, not trust.
I'm now waiting for her to make the next move, as I've done my bit. I'm not up to chasing this, not right now, as I'm maxed out chasing my own demons.
Grits
@Grits1910
Hello there!
I'm so sorry to hear that. Relationships can be hard and complicated to navigate. It's good that you stay true to your standards! That's really important if you want to build a healthy relationship!
Talking to someone about relationships can really help! There are many wonderful and compassionate listeners that are ready to support and listen to you. You can browse the listener page here: https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/
Best wishes Vision <3
Thank you...I need to remind myself that adjusting my standards downwards is not the way I need to go.
Grits
@Grits 1910
First, don't apologize for your feelings because they are your truth your integrity your authenticity. They should be honored. They are your guide in life. Took me 4 years of therapy to see that lol.
Second I'm so sorry your struggling with this relationship with your friend, it seems very important to you. I understand you need her supportive connection.
Especially now with all your dealing with as of late.
Third. I understand about not having alot of friends . Due to my trauma background I could not connect with anyone all of my life . I was alone on my journey of life.,But surrounded with people/ family. I didn't trust anyone especially anyone close because all my trust had been betrayed very young. And being from a traumatic background it's more difficult to form good solid relationships. My search for connection put me in some really bad situations and I incurred more trauma from them as my life went on.
In recent past I came to 7 cups to find safe connections because I was so alone. In my experience being from traumatic background can make you very vulnerable to more predatory type people.
I have one friend that I can trust although I still have not divulged all my trauma to her . Maybe someday I will. My trauma is difficult for people to understand and really hard for them to hear it.
Anyway you have my understanding and my support. I can say just be your own best friend and hero until you can work it out with her . I find sometimes people are struggling with their own life issue and it's not about me. When I learn that it's such a relief because I always felt defective and different from other people. Especially as a kid. I never felt I fit in anywhere. I still feel that way. Trying to fix that in therapy.
I hope my post helps in some way. Remember, Your not alone my friend.
Take good care of you.
ABB 💜
Trust you to make me smile, to make me reflect on the positives, to give me encouragement to rely on myself!
I'm trying to avoid apologizing for the way I feel, as I know this habit doesn't lead anywhere positive.
The friendship is important to me - I want to be valued in my own right, to be needed by other people as a friend, to be important enough to make the effort. Right now I just feel like a doormat, that nobody remarks upon, that is there until it just isn't, and nobody noticed it disappearing.
I guess what's behind it all is the inner bone tiredness of not fitting in, not being 'normal' in having healthy relationships that are balanced and open. I know I'm respected in terms of what I do, I know, or think I know, that I'm liked, but I want this friendship to prove that someone can have that personal connection with me that's not just down to needing me to 'do' something... Just being around someone else who enjoys my company.
I feel like such a burden on others, constantly unwell, never quite the full package. What's wrong now? I'm often asked... To the point at which I hide what's truly going on. It's just a bit much - and that's underplaying how much it's getting to me.
Even today, a day that wasn't too bad, I end up falling down the stairs at work, landing on my backside, as my weaker leg gave way. Hugely embarrassing...I feel like such an old man, old before my time.
Defective and different from others... Sums it up pretty accurately...
Grits
@Grits1910
I understand.
Regarding feeling different/ defective - your not . You are a really good person who has to deal with more than normal stuff. And all your feelings and reactions are completely normal.
I'm so sorry you fell at work. ( The body keeps the score of our trauma) . I think accomodations might help you. Like an elevator if available. Looking for solutions and taking action on them is empowering.
I have a pretty painful physical ailment and I know it is a sign of all the trauma I've endured. I'm working with physical therapy to get it under control and strengthen weak muscle. I recommend PT it definitely works. I think these ailments that manifest physically are messages that we need to take good care of ourselves and put our needs first.
Trauma makes you feel powerless but action to change the things that are draining you will give you your power back.
I understand your need for support from your circle of people because I am a trauma survivor, but some may not be able to understand exactly what's going on with your needs because they haven't dealt with the level of trauma you have to wade through. To support you maybe if you give this friend some information on " how to give support" to people in trauma. My best friend has no trauma but she's open to reading books on how to support me emotionally when she's up to it . I try to save most of my neediness for my therapist. Dedicating weekly sessions to heal myself no matter how long it takes is working. It's just slow because I have so much .
I understand the emotional roller coaster your on and it's incredibly draining and you need help as I did. I was grasping at anything and anyone to help me but that can backfire.
Take your hero cape throw it on and take action. You can do it, your the strongest bravest person I know. And it's the perfect time to dress up this month lol.
Seriously though yourr stronger than you think and your not old -
Make time for self care, which includes time off to rest.
(The adrenaline I was pumping out was exhausting me )
Lately my go to inspiration book is " The voice of knowledge" by Miguel Ruiz.
Best Always, ABB 💜