First post - need help knowing how to use out loud words to tell someone about past abuse
This is my first post. I am kind of scared to write this and to have others read it - or have no one read this and pass this right up like it never existed in the first place.
My childhood traumas, sexual abuse traumas particularly, have haunted me my whole life - I always Knew what happened ( some of it, more as the years go on - the story unfolds in flashbacks, emotional flashbacks and just having the " blinders" come off and i no longer believe the narrative I created to keep me from fully grasping what happened.
But as I get older , the ways in which the abuse morphed who i am and created this scared person who hates herself and blames herself and just quite cant seem to thrive at all - become so much more apparent.
I can not fully trust people, i am terrified of a relationship bc i am terrified of being imitate ( it's a flood of emotional flashbacks, fear and panic and feeling trapped and I just freeze and endure it and wait to escape), i have given up finding love or even anyone that will love me, i am always alone ( i always feel alone even though people are around me - i just can not seem to connect), i just FEEL that i am never going to be okay and always feel so dang helpless. I end up disassociating all the time just to survive life.
I want something better for myself. I want the person I was born to be and the authentic life I could have had if this didn't all happen to me. I want to end the war I have WAGED on myself my Entire life. I want to not carry so much fear and sorrow with me wherever I go. I want to be free. Not a victim, not a survivor - i want to thrive!
And I finally got a therapist. and she is safe and kind and gentle. And I cannot Talk to her. And it is not her - I can not use my words to tell her what happened to me so I can begin to process and heal. I can use my words - i know i am doing it now. I mean, I cannot use my Out Loud words - I can not say, with words using my voice, what happened to me. I can't even tell her Who are the ones that hurt me - so much shame surrounding all of this, and so much fear.
I am so sacred that here I am at a crossroads and I have this amazing opportunity and i fear because i cant actually speak out loud to tell her - or anyone, I will never get help and I will harbor all of this pain in my heart and soul forever; that I will never thrive.
So I pose a question and I could REALLY use your help - whomever is reading this, if anyone is reading this:
QUESTION:
How do you use your Out Loud words- your voice, to talk about things you kept secret because you had to? How do you start? I literally lose my ability to speak ( about this stuff ) out loud before i can even get it out.
How did you start? Did anyone have this trouble I am talking about? How do you actually get these disgusting words out?
I appreciate any insights or personal stories that you can share that would help. And if no one reads this or responds - at least I had a safe place to get this out here .
@blissedNblessed. Yes I had trouble be able to speak about things that made me feel very ashamed. I think it’s a good idea that you are considering doing this with someone that you find to be compassionate. There were times that I tried to share with people who were not caring and it was hurtful. I had something that I was so ashamed of that it took me 40 years to speak out loud. It took me that long to find someone who would listen nonjudgmentaly. I think that it’s okay to take our time and go slowly speaking about these things. When I was younger I had a therapist who pushed me to speak about it all and this became overwhelming. This is hard, I hope that you give yourself some credit. It is brave of you to seek help.
@adventurousBranch3786
thank you so much for not only reading my post but sharing with me. I am so sorry that you tried to tell people that could not hear you , validate your experience or make you feel safe - i am so sorry you felt so judged. that is such a horrendous pain.
it helps to know that you too had trouble voicing what you needed to. i too waited SO long to get this out to someone...im 44 years old now and my traumas started quite early in my life.
i did write her an email - and told her about what she needed to know - lol, i wrote it so disconnected to my feelings and it read like a case study. but i got that out - but i truly do not know how to use my voice - i am hoping she will be able to gently guide me .
@blissedNblessed Everything you wrote here is so painfully relatable and I am sorry for all you've gone through. I'm going to agree with @adventurousBranch3786 and say that it's absolutely okay to take your time. A good therapist won't expect you to just jump into what you've gone through. They understand how painful it is and how avoidant we can be with talking about things. They understand the shame that keeps us silent. They understand that it takes time to work up to things and build up trust. They often have a number of different ways to get you to open up slowly and gently.
In all honesty this is still a struggle with the therapist we have. There are still things that haven't been discussed. There will be days when things will pour out and days when you can barely drag the words out of yourself. She'll understand and she will hopefully guide you as you need.
I want you to know how incredibly proud I am of you for reaching out here. I know it wasn't easy and you were so brave to do so. Be patient with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
thank you so much for your kind and compassionate words. i am so sorry that you relate...its a terrible place to be. but thank you for your encouragement! I am hoping the will figure out how to get me to speak out loud . I do need to be patient with myself, so true.
it helps to know that some days will pour out and other days words will crumble before they can come out - a process. Good to know that this is normal and I am not some freak.
@blissedNblessed You're welcome :)
You're definitely not a freak ❤
