Fighting an invisible war
I have been having terrible body memories and I have been horrible, I am not handling it well. I couldn't stop hurting myself for the past two days and I am drinking a lot.
I had to hide away for a couple of days. I had to go back to my apartment, I got rid of all the mirrors and I stayed there trying to keep my shit together. I am not good, even when I try to be better I am just always fighting this invisible war that I can't see but I feel it, to my core. I feel everything but I cant remember. I am having nightmares still.
I am a mess right now and I am still hiding, but today was better. I hope tomorrow is better as well. I just need a fucking break.
I was in your position for years. Theirs nothing wrong with you, I promise. You’re just hurting. You’ve kept so much inside, eventually it has to come out but you don’t want feel that kind of hurt or hurt anyone while misdirecting your anger, (really your pain) on someone you dont wznt to or doesn’t deserve it.. I get it. But you’re going to have let yourself feel it eventually. Its going to suck but its better than coping with alcohol. A psychological therapist could be helpful as well. To help you make sense of things you wouldn’t be able to on your own. You aren’t alone, okay. Keep going cus though its a hard fight, its one worth while.
@beautifulsadspac3 Thank you. I am trying.
And thats all life asks for. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
@OliverCas I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling and not coping with the memories of your abuse. I cannot give you the assurance that you won't have days like this, but from my experience, you will start to realise that you're stronger than you think. Life will kick you down, more often as a victim of SA but be assured that you will pick yourself up. You have people here who care about you. You are doing so well in reaching out for support. Keep talking, keep your mind occupied, I'd advise journaling, drawing, painting, reading good books, watching movies, listening to music, but above all, be around others. Personally I know that when I most feel alone, I have to push myself to be around other people, yes, most of the time having to put on an act, as I can't show how I'm really feeling, but the sense of being around others does allow me to avoid the temptation of SH, over medicating or drinking. You just have to be careful about who you surround yourself with, and be prepared to be honest, open in saying that you're not ok, that you need space, that you're not willing to discuss if you're not ready to do so. The more you can rely on this right to be private, this need to be vulnerable, the better you will feel. And keep on talking to me, to us, sharing and seeking support. Grits
