Does it mean I’m ugly if I’ve never even been catcalled?
It seems that every girl except me has a story about being catcalled or harassed, and they have an irrefutable right to tell them.
But does it mean I’m ugly if nobody has ever sexually harassed me in any way? I’ve never even gotten any POSITIVE male attention, let alone negative - I was the fat kid who boys would ask on prank dates, which I would refuse. I dropped most of the weight but when school got too busy I had to stop exercising and gained half of it back. Even at my skinniest I was still convinced that I was fat and ugly and I’m also convinced that sexual assault means that that person thinks you are so beautiful and desirable that they literally cannot control their raging hormones and urges to fornicate with you when another part of me knows that’s not true and the perpetrator just wants to feel powerful.
I also have a power fantasy of being harassed and punching the perpetrator so hard I break his nose because that would be a Power Move and increase my self esteem by proving to myself that I am powerful and badass which I am not, and because I’ve often been a lonely girl I have a fantasy of somebody ELSE punching the perpetrator in my defence because that would prove to me I’m worth the effort to protect, and therefore loveable.
I suppose all of this is about self esteem, that fact is glaringly obvious. I want to feel beautiful, confident, powerful, worth protecting… so here I am. Perhaps all of these things come from within and I don’t need a rapist to prove them to myself. But how do I find them when I’m convinced I’m the scum of the earth (and incredibly insensitive, too, because of this answer?)
just for any necessary clarity, what I’m trying to say in the first paragraph is that if part of me thinks SA is about finding somebody so beautiful/desirable that you cannot control your hormonal urges and I’ve never even been catcalled let alone anything further while most other girls have an “I was catcalled at 12/13” story which of course they have the right to tell, does that mean I’m one of the ugliest? I’m aware that a lot of SA is about the perpetrator wanting to feel powerful and in control but I’m sure some of it is about urges people need to learn to control.
Catcalling is gross and pretty old fashioned. I wouldn't even say it's about power. Some guys just think "Might as well shoot my shot. I'll probably never see this girl again, so here goes.." But to whistle at her and make a blunt comment about how sexy she is probably won't work in person. However I do know a guy that has said those same sexual innuendo, one-liners over text on Tinder and has had more success than you would think there. He's not the hottest or most personable kinda guy either.
But never receiving a catcall doesn't mean you're not beautiful. I think most guys these days are reserved about calling a girl pretty or cute. No guy wants to be viewed as a creep or have rumors spread that he likes so-and-so because he called her pretty. Just because you don't hear it doesn't mean we never think it.
I think you're right about how those feelings of beauty, confidence, and worthiness have to come from within yourself first. I still struggle with that too, but we can't be reliant on others to validate those feelings for us. That's a pathway to being in a toxic relationship with a manipulative person.
I think you should just focus on yourself for a bit. Be the best that you can be AND be happy with that. Forget what other people say or think. If it's positive, cool. If not, then let go of it. Don't let negative comments live rent free in your mind, especially when there's nothing to learn from it.
Best wishes, Cain
