somebodynew721 Member Profile

Overthinking University

Student Support / by somebodynew721

3 days ago

...See more Growing up, I wanted to study science at a university I’ll call Distant University. I was so excited to go and romanticized it in my head for years. Close to the end of high school, I changed my plan since I hate doing math and don’t know why I thought I wanted to take things like calculus. I like science but I don’t learn it easily, although I did pretty well in chemistry, physics, and earth science. I went the law/politics route and looked at different programs until I found a really unique one at a relatively closer school that’s still somewhat far. It’s one of the few programs in my field that can directly translate to a career and isn’t a “what are you going to do with that?” degree. The last thing I wanted was to pick a “do you want fries with that?” degree that might lead to trouble landing a job, as my goal is to buy a house etc. I went to this school and now I’m not sure. It’s lovely in summer with lots of outdoor space and wildlife, but the buildings are for the most part boxy and soulless, with a few nice spots. The people feel snooty and I feel as though they are secretly judging me, although I do tend to get anxious in social situations because I’m Autistic and grew up lonely with low self-esteem (which can also affect this) and want to be liked. My dorm feels like a prison cell, with cinder-block walls and a window curtain that opens to the wrong side, where the light hits my desk wall instead of going into the room. There isn’t even any direct sunlight since it’s blocked by the building next to mine, and the roof joining the buildings is my view. I’ve made some friends, but the connection is very superficial as I have a dorm to myself and often end up second fiddle to their roommates (is this a toxic thought pattern? It certainly seems so, although I’m never actually that petty about it and of course I still enjoy spending time with them and are nice to them. That is without question) and it’s only been a semester, so it needs time. What do I do? Do I need to change my perspective? There are few degrees similar to mine and were I to transfer, where would I go? What would I study? What if this is a case of “wherever you go, there you are” and I end up feeling the same way? I’d also likely end up struggling even more to make friends as a transfer student at a time where groups have been formed and nobody is able or willing to socialize, and I don’t drink or party or anything like that which is a popular thing to want to do at university. My school is considered a boring school but they still advertise a few huge parties a year with lots of alcohol… what is an actual party school like? Is it all a matter of perspective?

I often create characters to daydream of being them? Is this a sign of something I should seek professional evaluation for?

Personality Disorders Support / by somebodynew721

October 14th, 2022

...See more This happens occasionally and only when the circumstances are right, such as when I’m wearing a specific outfit or accessory, but sometimes I will create characters, sometimes with names or backstories and sometimes a nameless character, all with a specific daydream scene I play in my head every so often. I’ll be doing something, and I’ll create and narrate a scene in my head with my character to match it. The thing is, I don’t become the character - I simply imagine a scene with them, with me playing the character. I never lose a sense of true identity. For example, I’ll be at the park with my dog, and I will play out a scene of my character walking their dog, or just walking, in my head and imagine being them. It would typically be something like ‘As the character walked, they thought about their most pressing issue, or admired the weather that day.’ I always remain myself, but it is as though my real self is an actor playing a role or finding comfort/fulfilment in imagining the scene. I wonder if this is a sign of a personality disorder or something like that? I’m a very stable person and never lose touch with the real world, in which I’ve always functioned very well. I’m more than able and willing to talk normally to others and have never brought the scenes outside of my head or asked people to refer to me using a character’s name. Sometimes, my scenes do influence my mannerisms - if I am in my military jacket playing a scene of a fierce and resilient young person, I’ll typically appear more confident or stand up taller, and I might be less likely to back down from confrontation. If I’m in my favourite sweater and a skirt, playing a scene of a classy young person, I might be more verbose and eloquent, and kinder to others. However, I always remain myself, I never get lost in my characters to the point where my real life gets affected. I always pay attention when I’m approaching another person or crossing the street, I study often for school and practice my music, I always retain a sense of my real life and identity and can always pull myself out of my characters, but I’m often sad to and I love finding comfort in my scenes. I don’t really do this often - typically once or twice every week or two. How can I tell if this is healthy/normal or unhealthy, and what can I do if it’s unhealthy?

Corporal punishment anecdotes lead me to hit myself

Self-Harm Recovery / by somebodynew721

October 8th, 2022

...See more I’m often told about the corporal punishment my family went through. My Slavic great-grandparents, thirty years ago, would hit my mother with a wooden spoon or force her to kneel on painful things - I think it was wires. My father (who grew up in the 1980s countryside) was, if I remember correctly, belted and caned if he misbehaved. I sometimes hear my mother share stories with friends or neighbours of the corporal punishment and neglect that Gen X/older Millennials endured. “We respected adults and never voiced our opinions,” I interpret her as saying. “We just did whatever they asked us to do without *insert a stupid synonym for complaining*”. It seems as though previous generations are so much better because they were beaten into submission and perfection. I see them as perfect angels who did all the housework and were self sufficient by the time they were twelve, all thanks to the good old threat of leather. Or the hand. Rationally, there’s no way I’m right about that perception, but deep down, I feel like it’s true. I’m not as helpful, independent, or able to shut up and “quitcher complainin’” (how I hear it in my head) as I believe people used to be based on the fictional works I’ve consumed or anecdotes I’ve heard (for example, my dad did all the chores growing up and my mom, aunt, and uncle did not complain when they were left alone all night). My dad is absent now but my mom does an amazing job, she’s no contact with everybody toxic and has never hurt me. But unfortunately, with these anecdotes and the historical fiction I love to read that depicts children being lashed or struck as was socially acceptable back then, I have a feeling that I would be better if I were hit. So I’ve taken it upon myself to do the hitting. Sometimes if I’m really frustrated with myself, I’ll do things like slap my own wrist when I put my flute down or stop studying and fidget, in order to trigger a fear response that keeps me working. (As I would expect, it doesn’t work.) When I argue with my mother because I don’t want to do something she wants to do or something she wants me to do. I might go up to a mirror, yell at my reflection to shut up and deal with it, and sometimes punch myself in the head. My mom hates it when I do this and I don’t like it either. Luckily it’s a rare occurrence and I haven’t done some serious damage (and luckily I doubt I’m strong enough for that). She always gets upset when I do it and I think she’s worried about me but I can’t tell. I want to stop but I have this notion that corporal punishment and neglect makes you better, but rationally I know it only hurts people and has made a mess of some of my niblings we don’t talk to.

Coddled teen seeking independence advice

50 & Over Community / by somebodynew721

August 30th, 2022

...See more I never played outside growing up, I was a bit of a recluse in childhood and didn't like to do much. The few friends I do have are magnet school friends who don't live within walking distance. That means I missed out on roaming the streets in groups and just needing to be home before dark. I missed out on street smarts and Sucking It Up when I have a problem and now, I can't deal with adversity and still need to learn to be independent. I want to learn both. I want to learn how to be independent and deal with my own problems instead of needing my hand held through life. I need to learn how to accept my failures and make decisions. So here I am seeking advice from the generation who 'walked to school uphill both ways', as the quip goes. The generation who raised themselves and taught themselves everything they know, and was self sufficient by the age of twelve. The generation who played outside all day with nobody to look after them and whose only parenting was probably the belt (that is my stereotype, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). The generation who roamed the neighbourhood independently, thinking and solving problems for themselves and creating adventures from what they had. How can I recover from having missed out on that growing up with worrywart parents and no friends within walking distance? I still live with my parents, but am nearing adulthood and want to build independence and problem solving skills before I leave home. My intention is to move very far away so I have no choice but to develop independence, but I want to develop it before I leave home so that I do not end up in over my head. I have got to learn these skills - is it too late for me? What should I do? I don't want to just be another coddled, spoonfed 2000s baby.

Coddled teen seeking independence advice

35 & Over Community / by somebodynew721

September 4th, 2022

I'm ashamed that my brother was overlooked because of my autism

Disability Support / by somebodynew721

August 30th, 2022

...See more I have both low support needs autism and a younger brother. Unluckily for me, my autism, coupled with the fact that I was a homebody and a couch potato until my early teens, and that I went to magnet school and therefore had no walking distance friends to roam my suburb with, makes me pretty immature. I resent that and as I am nearing adulthood, wish to remedy the fact. I was, unfortunately, also a coddled kid. For example, I was driven to magnet school while my younger brother would have to take the bus; I always offered, both to him and to my parents, to come up with an alternate arrangement but my brother claimed he was okay with the bus. Until I outgrew my behavioural issues, a lot of time was spent on that. My brother fell by the wayside and had to grow up more quickly, despite my parents' best efforts and their being loving rather than neglectful, until I outgrew my behavioural issues years and years ago, and was able to learn to navigate transportation. In my early teens, I also spent little time with him. He always used to ask me to play video games with him, but I was all too eager to leave. Eventually, he stopped asking, and when I invite him on walks with the family dog, I get my just deserts as I am rightfully rebuffed most of the time. When our parents encouraged us to write short stories one summer day when we were young, I was in a bad mood and took it out on his story, which was about another video game and was pretty good, especially since he was a kid when he wrote it. He crumpled it up and I feel remorseful and ashamed years later. At least for this, I have a plan. I'm going to tell him that I actually thought the story was good and that he should write something else if he ever feels like doing so, even though it's been several years (I just want to get it off of my chest). My brother is now a recluse. I infer he thinks that we don't want to spend any time with him and that he isn't worth it, and my parents are rebuffed when they try to spend time with him now. This isn't up to me as a sister, but when I try to talk to my parents about this they tell me not to worry because it was all years ago and now he refuses to spend time with us anyway. But I'm convinced that, as loving as my parents were, we rebuffed him first. They do their best especially now that I am older, but I want to atone for my once having been so immature and needy and taking away from him. He should not have had to be so mature because of me! There has got to be something I can do to be a better sister and show him that we all love him. I cannot go to my parents as they would tell me to let go of the shame and not to worry anymore as it was years ago. (While he still plays video games, he wouldn't want to play them with me as I am completely new to video games and would be bad and inexperienced; he also has friends he plays with.)

Why can’t I just be lovable?

Personality Disorders Support / by somebodynew721

September 6th, 2022

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