Can anyone relate.

this doesn't sound horrible. you don't sound horrible when you are trying to talk about what happened to you and how it affected you. you have every right to talk about it.

i can relate to that on so. many. levels. i was sexually abused by my cousin basically through my whole childhood starting when i was 5. i have never ever had any sexual experience that i could freely enjoy. i also hated and feared sex for so many years, not just for me but for other people too. i didn't want to know that a person has a sex life, because that would mean something is happening to them that i can't stop, that would mean they are hurting. i didn't touch anyone or let anyone touch me for years.

but the thing is, it can go away. the shame the guilt the hatred the fear, all of them. they can fade away, they can become old, they can be healed from. i wasn't able to touch my first girlfriend because of the fear that if i touch her, i will be like my abuser. i tried and learn to at least have a little fun while having sex, with my second theyfriend (they are genderfluid). i sometimes go back, that happened with the last person i had sex, they didn't ask if i wanted it or not, they just initiated and i though "okay, i can do this" but i realized i didn't have to and more importantly, i didn't want to. now i'm not having sex with anyone and exploring my body on my own, and when i decide (i know that will be my decision too, as much as it will be their decision) i will have sex because we both want to, not because they want and i go along with it. because i'm healing and i'm learning things about myself. you can heal too, you can learn new things too, you can feel better too.

you don't have to be ashamed of it. i know you feel like that, but this feeling is not the only option. there are other options. healing is an option. you don't have to have sex with anyone if you don't feel like it. also you may not have sex with anyone for the rest of your life if that's what you want. sex is not a necessity, it's just a thing people do to have fun or to have babies or to spend time or to feel closer to each other... and it's not even the only way to do any of these things!!

and if you want to be able to have sex again without turning back, without hurting, without feeling bad, you can get there. it is absolutely possible. there is just a lot of work to do on the way. work that may help you to feel more connected to yourself and feel better with yourself, and eventually feel better with other people too.

i'm glad you posted this and i hope you will be able to get better, change in the direction that you want, and be content and safe and peaceful.

take care!!

What you're going through is normal. It's not strange, and it's not wrong. When you decide to open yourself up again, and if you decide to, is entirely your decision, and waiting until you feel comfortable is a perfectly healthy thing to do. I've experienced this myself, and I'm still waiting for things to feel normal again, so you're not alone.

@emotionalCake7336. Your feelings are valid, you are allowed to feel the way you feel. We all are allowed our feelings I don't believe there's a certain way to feel because we are all different and react differently....I have to replay what happened to me with my partner repeatedly so that I can get past it. Almost like I need it this way to make it go away so I can enjoy sex again. Idk,..... I know confusing, Makes sense?? ABB💜